My broken heart dominated my college years. I either made mistakes or dated mistakes. Without someone beside me, I felt I didn’t know how to move within the universe. Of course, I now know that feeling of hopelessness is ridiculous. From all of my crushes, I learned something, but it was a long road to take towards gaining freedom from constant hurt. Below are some cliché, nonsensical and sometimes terrible poems I wrote to deal with feeling lost and in love…
we are strangers sitting on an airplane eating those salty peanuts. there’s an occasional silence surrounding the occasional crunch and the occasional hum of babies and airplane motors. i say we talk about meeting in this unmeetable place. i say we take our hands from the salty peanut bags and shake.
my name is ryan.
alice…nice to meet you.
and for three hours we speak.
we are going to visit our families…they have gotten sick from snowflakes and they are awaiting our lovebeats.
so ryan, are you a pisces? because i am a pisces. you’d think we would have met months ago. and yet, a plane has brought us to meet in this unmeetable place. the cabin is pressurized and we are small in this small place.
in the seats behind us, a boy baby flirts with the small baby girl and the innocence is tainted once the little boy looks at me.
the plane lands and we divide, hoping to meet in a more meetable place.
i want to test how much i think of you by never sending you this text, because if i send it, i’ll get an immediate response that will make me think of you mechanically, not cosmically.
how many times do you think of me? nevermind, that will give me a mechanical answer.
people are filing out of the train now…
it’s lonely before the last stop.
how does it work?
is there a test?
are there cliff notes?
if so, i didn’t take notes and i’m going to fail.
I’m confused. How did I ever like you?
ok. that is all.
i powdered my nose for you. i made cookies but they did not have enough flour. butter and sugar. chocolate chips.
i miss you.
i write these long, drawn-out, nonsensical paragraphs about it.
no one really knows because i tell them we have only had empty glass kisses. maybe i just miss your arm around my body touching me lovely. maybe i just miss the idea.
i was not anything to cherish last night. i woke with cloudy eye goggles into the cold air…locking your door and running over the stairs with trippy feet. it was just to fulfill an absence and yet i’m absent.
do you remember when we rearranged your entire apartment a rubix cube? the TV sat in the bookcase and the goldfish swam in the bathtub. i thought that sometimes we were feng shui wonderful, but never did i think it always.
butter, sugar, chocolate chips.
i ate the dough and my stomach took it all in sick.
the eharmony website says that someone out there is ready to love me. so i apply. hi, what is your name? do you like cats? do you hike? i am curious. when do we go hiking? i would like to know.
i think i can love you too if you are out there to love me. if the website says it, then we are out there for each other to love each other.
anyways, i like cats. that is why i asked you if you like cats.
do you like my picture? on eharmony? i took it myself. if i use the flash, i look that much prettier. do you use the flash too? ya..i thought so. anyways…hope to see you soon.
maybe tomorrow? or not. we don’t have to meet. we don’t have to meet ever.
it would be nice though…how about tomorrow at 3pm? café so and so? no? ok. yeah. i’m busy too.
Ways to Say It
i would give my bone marrow to you if you needed it
your hair doesn’t smells like flowers, but it’s definitely interesting and I would smell it forever.
the sky looks brighter when you’re around. and when you’re not around, it’s way too dark and the scary monsters come out.
“you make me a man.”
“you make me a wo-man.”
It’s so easy to be with you, I sometimes wonder if I’ve been tricked.
You’re the strongest branch on my tree,
The brightest bulb in our house…
To know you humbles my soul.
Every mountain with you becomes a grassy knoll,
Every storm a drizzle,
Every cry a single tear.
You’re my teammate in this battle,
A firearm off and on.
Without you, I have no idea.
All these poems were written without any training. I hold myself responsible, especially for not reading Shakespeare that often.