Whenever someone I don’t know that well or am meeting for the first time fly has his or her fly unzipped, I’m at a loss for words. On one hand, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want them to think that I’m looking at their crotch. On the other hand, if I don’t say anything, their unzipped zipper will be staring me in the face, haunting me, and I may look like an even bigger creep continuing to glance at their zipper. Also, they may realize it and say, “Why didn’t you tell me?” This is something I worry about on a daily basis, but I realized there are strategies that make it so I need never worry again- nor should you. I’ve got some tips on how to handle this most delicate of awkward situations.
Be a Copycat:
If you are walking up to someone to meet them and you suddenly realize their fly is unzipped, smoothly and swiftly unzip your fly as well. Hopefully this way, upon arrival, the person will be like, “Hey, your fly is unzipped.” And you can respond with, “Hey, what a coincidence! So is yours.” Not only have you solved all the problems of this encounter in one fell swoop, but you also share a common bond. I recommend only using the copycat method when the person you are meeting is bolder than you, as well as equally observant. If they aren’t, they might not say anything to you about your zipper, which leaves the two of you walking around with your zippers undone.
Another thing to beware of with this method is your ability to unzip your fly stealthily. If the person sees you unzip your fly, they may think it’s really weird and there is really no good way to explain yourself. Therefore, before heading out, I recommend practicing unzipping in a quick and covert manner.
Be a Regular Cat:
As you walk up to your friend, slyly look at his/her zipper. If it’s undone, do everything in your power to cover it up. It’s your job as a friend and as a person mimicking a cat to stay on them at all times. Perhaps you don’t enjoy physical contact, or maybe you aren’t big enough to effectively conceal the person whose fly is undone. In these instances, I suggest forcing them to hold a large object that can mask their undone zipper. One example: a large fanny pack, an extremely long necklace with a featuring huge medallion, or an enormous piece of driftwood. Since you never know when you’ll encounter an undone zipper friend, you might want to keep one or all of these large shielding objects at hand. Remember a cat’s got nine lives, so don’t worry about risking your life or dignity to help an unzipped buddy.
Drop the Cat Metaphor and Be a Human
One of the best things to do, if you can’t make like the different cats in my zipper scenarios, is to simply come right out and tell the person. Do it swiftly and matter-of-factly. You can say, “hey your fly is unzipped.” Or a simple “hey” with a nod of the head and gesture with the hand that signifies their zipper is undone. Just don’t over-think it with cutesy stuff like “XYZ” (“eXamine Your Zipper) or “What does Superman do?”
“Yeah, well yours is open.”
No need to be coy here. We’re all mature adults, right, only one of us is walking around with his/her fly down.