Look At You, America! Such A Big Girl! Such A Pretty Girl! Jill Kushner

Happy Belated Birthday, America!  You don’t look a day over 235!  You guys, she is exactly a day over 235.   If you want to learn how to pay a lady a compliment, stick with me.   Might I also suggest, “America, those jeans look amazing on you.”  And, “Yes, America.  You have a free pass to sleep with Shia Labeouf, even though we’re engaged.”

Meanwhile, I can’t tell you how psyched I am that it’s July 5th because this Bicentennial G-String is killing me.  Maybe I should keep it on to represent.  Why am I treating it like it’s Event Underwear?  That’s an immature outlook.  Who am I to not love my country on the daily?  Especially since William and Kate asked if I would pick them up at LAX on Friday. They’re just like us! What better way to represent the United States of America than to pick up a Prince and Princess from some other country in an American flag thong?   There’s royalty and then there’s classy.  And since Jill rhymes with classy, the Bicentennial thong stays on!  God bless America!  And you’re welcome, Sisqo!

I had a good holiday weekend.  I came east to visit the family in Baltimore and did some boating.  When people pass each other on boats out on the water, they wave.  This is adorable and I wonder why we’re all so much bitchier to each other on land.  I blame the land.  Because in spite of everything, I still think people are really good at heart. Although… I think someone else thought that before me.  While we were on the water, we passed by a red, white and blue buoy that marks the exact spot where Frances Scott Key wrote The Star Spangled Banner. Surprisingly enough, he did not write it at a Starbucks, which I found refreshing.  Although I’m still curious about his access to caffeine – or lack thereof – while he was being creative.  But I guess he had other stuff going on that helped drive him.

I also watched True Blood the other day and realized that the Fairy World depicted on True Blood looks exactly like a club Stefon from Saturday Night Live would describe:  “It has everything: fairies with melting faces, fruit that glows, time that speeds up and Gary Cole.”  I spent one awesome afternoon drinking red wine and reading my favorite book, A Wrinkle in Time. Mrs. Whatsit is even more bizarre when you’re tipsy.  Can you make wishes one day after the country’s birthday?  Because I’d definitely wish that Elle Fanning wasn’t too old to play Charles Wallace.

While I was away, I heard that Southern California is looking to secede from California, which sucks because I do not feel like packing.  I only just got around to organizing all of my snow globes by climate on four different shelves and I don’t feel like doing that again.  To be fair, I might not be real clear on the definition of “secede”.

Oh, also while I was out of town, the LAPD tasered Andrew Keegan.  Uh, you can’t taser actors, even if they’re having a really loud party and allegedly get aggressive with the cops.  You simply can’t taser actors.  This same rules applies if actors are robbing a bank and definitely if actors are robbing a train.  The LAPD should know this.  You can make pretend taser actors or quickly sub in a stunt double and you can taser stunt doubles.  But please don’t taser the actors.  Actresses, however, can be tasered at any time.

Some other things of concern from this week that I didn’t get to cover:   There’s a low-flying NASA plane flying back and forth between Baltimore and Washington that’s suppposedly measuring air pollution along I-95 (while it simultaneously creates air pollution along I-95) and  there’s such a thing as flesh-eating cocaine. Plus, John Malkovich has launched a clothing line.

Best wishes on your 235th, America! You’re gonna need it.

Image via someecards.com

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  1. It’s a talented funny that keeps me engaged such that my time is not automatically sucked from me by that damn somecards site. Thank You! And now, straight-crush be damned, off to somecards!

  2. Yeah, ummm…Andrew Keegan hasn’t really done anything good since ’10 Things I Hate About You’. And, well…that was a long time ago. The movie ‘Fast Glass’ starring him and Nick Carter does NOT…I repeat, DOES NOT count!

  3. If Elle Fanning plays Charles Wallace, can Charles Nelson Reilley circa Match Game play Mrs. Who? He has her glasses.

  4. this is one of those times where i want to ask a girl to have my babies and i get totally depressed about how anatomy works.

    in other words, i have a huge straight crush on you.

  5. would you really call Andrew Keegan an actor? :-/

  6. You’re hilarious!

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