Earlier this week I started thinking about Ewoks. You know Ewoks, right? Those furry little dog-like/bear-like creatures from Return of the Jedi that lived on the forest moon of Endor?
So anyway, I love them. I mean I love Star Wars (the original trilogy, duh) so much it hurts and I also love dogs and cats and pets and babies and stuff and I was just sort of daydreaming about Star Wars and how awesome it would be to have an Ewok.
Think about it.
Seriously think about how much more awesome your life would be if there was just an Ewok with you right now.
So anyway I made a list of why I think that Ewoks would be the best pet-friend ever. (Other pet-friends can include whatever pet you already have that you think you could also really be friends with; you know, that pet you could have a real interspecies friendship with, and not just because you own them or whatever. Pet-friends!)
1. Ewoks are cute. Obviously. Ewoks look a lot like bearded dogs (Schnauzers, Brussels Griffons, Other Breeds of Dogs With Beards, etc) but unlike bearded dogs they also look like teddy bears but they are furrier and therefore cuter. They also kind of look like both gremlins and Furbies but are one hundred percent less scary than either because, as this first point is all about – they are really cute.
2. Ewoks can talk. Yeah you can actually communicate with an Ewok. I mean it’s going to speak a different language from you so unless you are fluent in Ewokese than you’ll have to do a lot of miming or suggestion through physical movement, but either way it will be a lot more communication than you have with a dog. And also whatever it is they are saying sounds adorable.
3. Ewok babies are mini-Ewoks, and thus have a cuteness that is too insane to comprehend and write down in words and just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt almost because they are like horribly disgustingly cute and my feelings about their cuteness would probably best be expressed by a GIF of someone freaking out over the cutest thing they have EVER seen.
4. Ewoks love to party. Spoiler alert guys, but at the end of Return of the Jedi the Ewoks have a party and it’s awesome with cool tribal drumming and dancing and hip-swaying and bopping on stuff and general cheering and it’s in this giant treehouse complex with bridges in the forest and it looks straight up awesome.
5. Ewoks can save your life. Not only do I mean this in a literal sense, because an Ewok could hijack a large AT-ST Walker and/or a speeder bike and/or murder someone with a spear, but I bet if you were super bummed and feeling aimless in your life and you had a lot of questions about what to do and your future and other common existential crises and then you got an Ewok you would just be so stoked to be hanging out with an Ewok all the time that you’d feel better. In retrospect you’d probably say something like “that Ewok saved my life.”
6. Ewoks fend for themselves. Unlike a dog or cat an Ewok could definitely get themselves a car and drive to the store and go get their own food on their own dime. Like you wouldn’t have to worry about that, which is super awesome when you think about other possible pet-friends. They could probably also use a toilet which sounds one hundred infinity times better than picking up dog poop seven times a day.
7. Ewoks are from outer space. Ewoks’ native habitat is the forest moon that circles Endor, so in other words they are extra terrestrials and that means you have an alien for a pet-friend. That’s just so incredible on so many levels I’m just going to leave it right there. Alien.
8. Just because.
9. Ewoks have a real sense of self. This might seem a little abstract but think about how committed they are to their religion and raising their kids and telling stories. It’s great because we, as a separate culture, can access just how rich and complex their culture is, thanks to not one but two made-for-television-movies about the Ewoks and also the animated series Star Wars: Ewoks!
Ewoks not being real is probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. But this almost makes up for it.
Ewok photo via The Most Adorable Movie Creatures