Biopics are pretty much the greatest things in the world, and I don’t care if you disagree with me. I have been thinking about the kind of Lifetime movie Anna Nicole starring Agnes Brucker. Lifetime has a way with these kinds of stories: the trainwrecks in life that we love to watch crash and burn…yet we are still a bit endeared to them. For whatever reason, I personally liked Anna Nicole Smith. There was something about her kooky candy coated sweetness that I appreciated, and watching Anna Nicole got me thinking about who else I would love to watch a Lifetime movie about.
So let’s talk about it.
1. Monica Lewinsky
Has everyone else forgotten about Monica Lewinsky or what?! I would argue that maybe the Lewinsky scandal should be even bigger than a Lifetime movie. Maybe it should be on the big screen! Perhaps it is a sign of my age, but when Lewinsky and President Bill Clinton’s sex scandal was exposed, it was like the biggest deal ever.
And I want to watch a movie about it. Lewinsky herself is interesting enough as a person–the way she talks, the things she said to justify her relationship to the married POTUS–that this could easily be a Lifetime movie.
And she’s still alive, of course, so it makes it a bit easier to make fun of.
2. A lost Kardashian
I don’t know, man. I feel like we know so much about the Jenner/Kardashian clan, but there has got to be another one somewhere out there. Some sad and crazy Kardashian cousin maybe? Someone who is similar to Kim but maybe not as blessed with doe eyes and perfectly shaped lips and a superstar baby daddy?
Lifetime should search him or her out, and proceed accordingly. And likely get sued for billions because I think E! owns the Kardashians?
3. Edward Snowden
I mean, duh. Snowden is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen if the internet’s interest in him is any indication. We sure love a controversial “whose side are you on?” story, and if he is potentially good looking? Count. Me. In.
Plus, there’s the added interest in his girlfriend that screams drama. Or potential drama.
4. Tom from Myspace
What ever happened to Tom? Poor, poor Myspace. It was basically the father of social networking, yet we all mock it for the style of profile picture (bathroom mirrors) and busyness of the pages (remember how you could pick color themes or have a million background pictures?). Tom was sure something, though. He created an industry as far as I am concerned, and now Myspace is just known by the phrase, “Didn’t Justin Timberlake buy Myspace?” Yes, he did, and what is even going on with it still?
Tom was friends with us all, and we owe him a Lifetime movie. I mean, good grief Mark Zuckerburg got an Oscar nominated film created after him. Aaron Sorkin wrote it! The least we can do is give Tom a moment on the silver screen.
5. Gunther from Friends
Well sure now, maybe Gunther isn’t a trainwreck, but maybe he is? For being such a Friends encyclopedia, I cannot believe that I don’t know anything about James Michael Tyler. I know bits and pieces, but what if there is more to his story? What if he was secretly in love with Jennifer Aniston like Gunther was not-so-secretly in love with Rachel? This could be Lifetime gold here, people! The bit character who got a job on one of the most famous television shows of all time just because he happened to work at a coffee shop they filmed in? What’s his story? GUNTHER, WHO ARE YOU?
6. The kid who played the baby in Ghostbusters 2
Obviously child stars are the people Lifetime movies, and humanity in general, are super interested in. They are always weirdos, they always have such strong tragedies in their lives, and we always know barely anything about them. But what about those untouched child stars? Not the ones who starred in sitcoms from the 1980s, but the ones who played baby Oscar in Ghostbusters 2 haven’t been explored. Twin brothers Hank and Will Deutschendorf live in San Diego, or so the Google tells me. Get on it.
7. Janet Hubert aka The First Aunt Viv
I am sure we have all heard the drama surrounding Hubert’s outrage at Will Smith and the rest of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air crew because, for whatever reason, she has been speaking out lately about the injustice of her termination. We only know a bit of the story though…this is unmined territory. How rare was it for a sitcom in the 1990s to keep a character, but replace the actress? These days, we don’t do that anymore. We replace the character–like when Michael J. Fox left Spin City, Charlie Sheen didn’t play Mike Flaherty, he attempted his own not endearing Deputy Mayor of New York City, but I digress. Hubert’s story must be interesting plus we have what we expect in all Lifetime movies: she’s kind of crazy. I love people who fly off the handle, don’t you?
8. A Palin kid
Or heck, why don’t we just make it the whole family? I know there have been TV movies about Sarah Palin before, but come on guys! I know I’m not sick of her yet–well, I’m not sick of making fun of her yet. You can’t possibly be either. What’s up with the Palin kid that got knocked up before marriage? Wasn’t she on Dancing With the Stars? At least make a Lifetime movie about her boyfriend. That ish would be juicy.
9. The Human Barbie
Have you guys heard of Valeria Lukyanova? For some inexplicable reason, I ended up googling her for about an hour yesterday and then I had nightmares about it last night because she terrifies me a bit. How interesting would it be to know the why behind Lukyanova’s decision to “enhance” herself with enough cosmetic surgery that she almost literally looks like a plastic human being? Daddy issues? Mommy issues? EVERYTHING ISSUES? I mean, this girl took a beautiful human being (because she is obviously pretty, underneath it all) and become a disproportioned doll basically. Ugh, I don’t know, maybe this isn’t even just Lifetime worthy. Maybe this should be a documentary or something. I want to hear her real story.
Ooh ooh! And it turns out she and the Human Ken don’t get along. How is this movie not in the works as I type?
AND SHE APPARENTLY ONLY EATS HONEYDEW. WHY IS THAT A THING.
10. Amanda Bynes
I mean, duh. I should barely have to explain myself on this one. Bynes is the definition of a trainwreck. She’s even stronger than that, in fact. I am so confused and disturbed that Bynes has gone down the path of completely insane, at least to the public eye. She was a sweetheart–someone that stood out from her counterparts. She was always normal looking–not too skinny or overdone. Her roles in movies were fantastic. She’s the Man is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. She was a role model! And now she is someone we mock on twitter and study like a zoo animal. Ugh, Amanda. My heart is broken.
…and I want to watch a movie about it.