While editing my college’s newspaper last week, I came across a story that stopped me dead in my tracks: “Cambridge, MA hosts first ever Feline Film and Video Festival.” Never had I ever seen a more perfect headline. Though I didn’t know what such an event would entail, I was intrigued by one very important opportunity that it presented: the opportunity to make a genuinely relevant cat pun. At that moment, I could feel the eyes of every Internet user turn towards my tiny liberal arts college, waiting for a response. Tired of the usual “purr-fect,” I became determined to find a cat pun that was both unique and entertaining. I had a lot to consider:
If we substituted “mewment” for every “moment” out there, the world would be a much squeakier place. Take Kelly Clarkson’s classic coronation song, “A Moment Like This,” for example:
A mewment like this,
Some kittens wait a lifetime,
For a mewment like this,
Some kittens wait forever, for that one special hiss.
Cat-titude is not just “attitude” with “cat” spliced in. No, no. It is a whole separate idea. Someone with cat-titude might try to act unimpressed with your attempts to pamper them. They may swat at you whenever you try to hand them things, scratch the door whenever they want to go outside, or suddenly sit on your laptop while you’re using it, without explanation.
A meow-sician can be one of two things. It can either be a musician with an affinity for cat-themed songs, or a cat with an affinity for human-themed music. (The latter is unfortunately less common, but with all the technology we have out there today, I’m sure singing cats will become a reality in no time.) We finally have a name for Phoebe Buffay.
Aside from the fact that it sounds a little violent, “claw-some” is a pretty cat-astic replacement for “awesome,” which is overused in our society anyway. What better way to spice up our vocabulary than by adding more cat themes?
This is the catch-phrase for everyone with cat-titude. Anyone who attempts to say this aloud must also flip their paw back dramatically before chasing a piece of dust into the distance. If Elle Woods were a cat, she’d say this every couple of sentences.
Humor me here: imagine Maleficent (2014), the fairy tale retelling of Sleeping Beauty, with cats. Angelina Jolie, with her unusually pointy cheekbones, would become a Siamese cat and Aurora, with her natural curiosity and inexhaustible sleepiness, would be. . .well, she could probably stay because that sounds pretty cat-like already.
One synonym for “athletic” that the dictionary neglects to mention is “cathletic” which is really just another word for “lazy.” (That is, if we’re judging the behavior of all cats on the Garfield comics and not 8-week old kittens that seem to have more pent up energy than a nuclear power plant.) Cathletic people prefer to unwind on the rug in front of a fireplace or on windowsills that they clearly can’t fit on.
Why do we still use the phrase “puppy dog eyes” when “kitten eyes” are much more persuasive? Kittens have a certain innocence about them that make them incredibly convincing. One look and I will give them anything they want. They have the power of “purr-suasion.”
You know when you’re walking down the hall and your cat is lying down somewhere on her back, looking fluffy and harmless, and you just can’t help but sit down and pet them for a few hours? That’s pro-cat-stination. It can come in many different forms, the “hallway” trap being one of them. Others include “seeing a cat next to a piece of string,” “seeing a cat next to a laser pointer,” and “seeing a cat.”
Going back to my newspaper story, in the end, the other editors and I settled on this pun. Paw-sitive is just cat-related enough to be funny but just subtle enough to be professional. It’s paw-sitively the best cat pun out there.
Honorable mention: Caturday
I was going to include Caturday, a play on Saturday, but that would suggest that cats only deserve our full attention one day out of the week, and I wouldn’t want to spread lies like that.
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