Life Lessons Learned From: The Princess Bride Shannon Woodward

So, it was about time (circa 1987) that someone noticed that there was a giant, heaving gap to be filled. One that the people cried out for in droves. The desperate, unquenchable thirst to breed ‘Romeo and Juliet’ with ‘Monty Python And The Holy Grail.’ Most importantly, they did not forget to leave out the most incredible, charismatic, adorable man-child of all time: Fred Savage.

He'll always be Kevin to me.

Aside from being hysterically funny, this movie may have the most useful subliminal message of all time. It’s actually hard to count how many times it’s repeated by the characters in the film: ‘The most important thing in life is true love,’ AND ‘Life isn’t fair.’

"Life is pain, Highness. Whoever tells you differently is selling something."

As utterly romantic and entertaining as this movie is, I think it’s interesting that the two ideas are constantly presented in tandem. Damn cynics (truth-tellers). Also, considering the whole story is being simultaneously told to a child, it seems to be utterly fitting as “life lesson” material. Alright. Enough real talk.

  • “Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse & tormenting the farm boy who worked there.”

    "Farm Boy? Polish my saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." (WHAT!?)

    Honestly, I feel like this movie starts a bit like how I would imagine a sadomasochistic porn to start. But when I looked at the box again it clearly said “comedy.” The only thing I can draw from this is that hot dudes with flowing blond hair really get off on getting kicked around. True love!

  • Actually, while we’re here I’m just going to go ahead and do a tribute to flowing blond hair. I seriously doubt I am the only one who could use a brief 90’s heartthrob detour.

    The stuff dreams are made of!

    Backstreet is not back, alright?

    This is not Jared Leto. This is Jordan Catalano. Yes, there is a very big difference.

    BRING BACK THE HAIR!

    I think we’ve seen enough. Shall we?

"We are but poor, lost circus performers."

 

  • Ok. Guys. I don’t know how this lesson bypassed our dear sweet beautiful Buttercup. When someone approaches you and announces themselves as a Carney: Run. It means they are obviously moments away from knocking you out with the Vulcan death grip and kidnapping you in order to start a war. I was really under the impression that this was knowledge that we were all born with, but, just in case you too missed the memo: write it the hell down.

 

Andre The Giant dog paddling. Learn from this what you will.

  • Wise advice from Mr. Hall’s corner: “Never get involved in a land war in Asia, and never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”

    And, can all suicide attempts please be postponed until the next period!?

    This is so crazy. I was literally JUST about to start a land war in Asia. In the nick of time, Mr. Hall.

  • Farm Boy here, in a pretty crazy turn of events, got involved in some kind of hand-me-down-evil-pirate-persona scheme. This is pretty baller. I’d actually be really into inheriting a bad-ass alter ego. If any of you have one and are willing to hand it over to me because, say, you would prefer to watch reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond” for a while, holler at yo’ girl. Though,  I’m not sure if it would be possible in today’s world. Given how quickly photos and information travel, it would be a little difficult for people not to notice a full on face change. But, then again, I’m not sure Bruce Jenner hasn’t gotten away with it.

    Bruce Jenner?

  • You know, I think it’s fantastic that someone finally employed one of the many giant rats of New York City. I find the blatant lack of diversity in the show-rodent world absolutely appalling. It’s all about the newest model with them. Who is the thinnest rat? Who has the shiniest, most slender yet shapeliest bucked-teeth? Who eats cheese the hottest? Ratatouille? Ugh. Please. As if any rat looks like that naturally. Sorry. I don’t mean to be judgmental. Our pal Giant Rat here even takes 3 sword stabs and a bout with flames to meet his maker. That’s how a real Giant Rat goes. With dignity.

    Real rats have curves.

  • This is the first time I have ever seen the hot water pail/cold water pail head-dunk-sober-up method in action. I’m not sure it would be effective sans friendly giant, but, I would really like to find out. Volunteers wanted.
  • So, evil douche-prince here has a dirty rotten plan to murder Princess Buttercup. She tells him she’s in love with her Farm Boy, Wesley, and that she will surely off herself if he forces her to marry him. He says, “Please consider me as an alternative to suicide.” I’ve gotta be honest. I think this is a pretty strong pick up line. This could really work. Especially in Jersey.  Or among dentists. I don’t have a problem with dentists, but, I did read they had a high suicide rate. I sure hope that’s not true. But, if it is, this pick up line could really catch on among that demographic. Keep that in mind all you evil douche-princes out there.  On second thought, forget I said anything.

    Rude dude.

  • Despite the movie’s underlying message, the lovers live happily ever after. I mean, it is a movie. At the end, Fred Savage’s grandpa says: “Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most beautiful. This one left them all behind.”

I’m just… wondering what that judging process was like, that’s all.

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  1. This movie is on my most favorite list! You should also see the Swan Princess. It is animated, but I laughed till I cried and I don’t usually like cartoons. Your post is too funny. Glad I stumbled across this. Kay, NC

  2. Favorite movie of all time, and this post really just explained to everyone in the world why it is such.

  3. “Real Rats have curves.” Hahaha, I love it.

  4. Thanks for the uproariously great laughs! Hoping for more.

  5. Oh Jordan Catalano and your mid-90′s hair! I agree bring the hair back !

  6. Just watched this with my boyfriend last night! He had never seen it before, I’m proud to say I popped his Princess Bride cherry.

  7. Don’t forget! “Columbo” as the grandfather!

  8. Fabulous as always :)

  9. Ha what a perfect way to start off Hump Day! I LOVE IT!

  10. Have fun stormin’ the castle! Still one of my favorite movies of all time.

  11. also, yes, bring back the hair!! swoon.

  12. oh, morning laughter via shannon w. how I love thee. This movie rocks my socks, always has. Always will. Once I stumbled upon a conversation in which someone, a complete stranger (!), was dogging this movie and I got into a heated argument about how stupid they were. I won, naturally.

  13. love the Clueless crossover! If they could have only hooked up Vizzini with Miss Geist, the whole situation could have been avoided.

  14. This was full of so much win, I don’t what to praise first!

  15. 1. This is amazeballs. I’m probably going to have to go back and read everything you’ve written now because that’s how I roll.
    2. Every time someone talks about this movie, I have a compulsive urge to tell them to GO READ THE BOOK. Seriously. The Princess Bride by William Goldman. As good as the movie is, it can’t even compare to the book. THE BOOK IS AMAZING AND HILARIOUS AND PERFECT. Read the book please and thank you.

  16. His name is Westley. Just saying. Otherwise, this is totally awesome.

  17. love it!!

  18. Inconceivable!

  19. Oh my. I adore this. It felt as if I was reading something I wrote. Yes, I love myself that much. This genius. You are genius. Come to Melbourne and drink tea with me immediately.

  20. “This is not Jared Leto. This is Jordan Catalano. Yes, there is a very big difference.” – Best Evahhhh!!

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