Hey, life can throw you a few curve balls every now and then. A killer decides to machete his way through your house party or that crazy old legend of the deformed freak who lives in the woods turns out to be true after all. Don’t lose hope! I have seen a lot of horror movies and I can help.
*After running into something unpleasant, for example a full on bloodbath. Never walk out of the room backward. OH, and if you feel the need to call out for a buddy who was with you and he or she doesn’t answer by the tenth time you have called out their name, they are dead, so stop calling their name. At that point the killer is only going to be laughing at you behind your back while thinking he is actually doing society a favor by killing you. Also, while calling out for your friend, please don’t utter the words “Come on now, this isn’t funny!”.
*When driving down a dark and deserted road, don’t pull over to pee. I know you have to go REAL bad and it feels like you will never run into a Texaco or a Target but you will eventually, trust me. If you absolutely must go, don’t walk 4 miles away from the car to find a bush.
*While walking with your buddy through the woods and you run into a serial killer, it is every man or woman for him or herself. Remember, you don’t need to outrun the killer, you just need to outrun your friend.
*When said friend is being ripped, bludgeoned or hacked to death don’t just stand there, watch in horror and decide to run when the killing is over. Go ahead and get a head start. I know your friend took the fall when you stole that candy bar from the 7-11 when you were both 12 but it is obvious a higher power does not want him to live any longer, move on. He would want you to.
*When walking around in the dark trying to escape from some evil entity with nothing but a dying flashlight, don’t smack the side of the flashlight with your hand. Trust me, your smacking it won’t release some kind of magic battery recharging juice that will suddenly make the flashlight work.
*Always be nice and considerate to the weird, deformed recluse who lives down the street from you. When a gang of asshole teenagers burn down his house with him in it, in a prank gone wrong of course, you won’t be on his shit list. When he inevitably survives the fire and plots revenge, he’ll remember YOU were the one who made him baked goods and picked him up from the Denny’s at 3am when his car wouldn’t start. You’ll be in good with him.
*When a wacky local announces to you that you and everyone in your group will die if you stay at (insert choice of lodging here), honor it, respect it. Yeah, he may be merely whacked out and full of shit but just in case, drive a few more miles to a place that doesn’t have a crazy nutjob walking around, warning people of their impending doom.
*When moving into a new house and evil spirits tell you to get out, just pack up your shit and go. Don’t try to find out the history of the house or hold a seance to ask the evil spirits why they are there and a bunch of other stupid and fruitless questions. This is only going to get you involved in righting their wrongful death or you will find out your fourth cousin on your mom’s side killed the loved ones of the evil spirits and now its game on for revenge! All you really need to know is that they can make your life hell and they want you to go. Just move, quickly.
*If someone tells you that you will die if you say something in a mirror 3 times, turn off the bathroom light, make a batch of fudge and watch Family Guy. Nobody has ever been murdered while watching Family Guy.
*When traveling with a group of friends, hang out with the sweet and virginal girl of the group. That will make you a sex-free saint by association. You never know, the trip could take an unexpected turn with a sadistic madman who hates loose women following you around (They remind him of his mom, you know). Hanging out with the slutty girl who wears blue jean short shorts and a skimpy tank top is only going to result in you being gutted and hung from a tree.
*When driving and you become lost, don’t trust that homemade sign that reads “Detour”. Trust me, even the poorest of rural areas have a Department of Transportation and they have actual and professional detour signs. Unless your GPS says “Turn left at the homemade detour sign”, just keep driving.
I hope these tips help you out. I must go now, the lights have mysteriously gone out and instead of just lighting a candle and calling the power company, I need to go down to the dark basement in just a t-shirt and panties to fix the problem myself. Wish me luck!