The day after his 40th birthday my husband looked me in the face and told me that he didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore. Boom. And the world comes tumbling town. So here I am, alone, broken hearted and the single mother to my four month old daughter. Two months on the stories are out, everything is on the table and I’m rolling the divorce ball. He told me I couldn’t make him happy and fundamentally he didn’t want us back. I felt like I had no wind left in my lungs. For days.
I spent the day with my best friend, and I spent 20 out of 24 hours of that day crying. Nothing felt like it was moving as it should. The ball was rolling and I felt like I was on a train that was rushing out of control and I couldn’t get off. I felt out of control and lost and hopeless.
I went to talk to him, we decided we could try and fix it, see a therapist and try to get ourselves back together. That was 10 weeks ago. Its better but I still cry every day. Sometimes with him, sometimes on my own, sometimes in the shower, in bed, in the car. I hear a song and the sadness that is filling me up overflows. This experience has made me determined to show my daughter that love is worth fighting for, truth is always the way to salvation. Sadness is also there for a reason, so I wrote her this letter.
Dearest daughter of mine,
I want you to believe in love. I cannot guarantee the world will always show you love in its most obvious form, but in every moment, you will find it if you look hard enough. It might be in the kiss after the goodbye, it might be in the friends who you find solace in after the break up. It might be in the stranger who smiles at you in the shop.
Do not be afraid to love. It is scary. It makes you vulnerable. It is undeniably, unequivocally and absolutely worth it. Every relationship, weather that person is with you for a second, a season or a lifetime, is sent to teach you something. It is never something to look back on with regret. You were sent into every moment of your life buy a greater life force than us, and the lesson you were meant to be taught was given. Find the goodness in those moments, minutes, months and memories.
Remember your values, they are your guide. If something is not sitting well in the very pit of you, it is not for you. Trust that voice, it will lead you down a path of lesson and goodness every time.
Trust the journey.
Emotions come for a reason, let them well up in you, let them overtake you. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel joy, laugh and smile. If you hold them in and push them down, your authenticity is compromised and they get stronger and more intense. Crying is just the pressure value being released. It heals. Just as much as a hug. Let the people you love see you cry. It is easy to be a woman who has to be strong and hold it all together. But the truth is, it’s not easy to live that way for long. The truth within you is better released. It makes you stronger still to express yourself.
These lessons have not come easily to me and it is my mission to make sure you hear them earlier than I did. The dreams I have for you and your life are happiness. Unadulterated joy. I wait patiently to see this adventure play out before me and watch you grow into a fierce, strong, loving woman. A force to be reckoned with.
If I loved you anymore I would explode into a cloud of rainbows and glitter baby girl. Love always and endlessly, Mum.
By Krystina Fisher.