No really, let’s. Because it scares me. And I’ve never had it.
I’m not one of those girls that has been single for her whole life. I proudly flaunted my 4th grade boyfriend, and the one I had my sophomore year in high school as if those relationships meant anything. But even at the time, sex was out of the question. I was too young! In fact, in fourth grade, I don’t even think I knew what sex was. In high school, I had the opportunity, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every health teacher’s voice would ring in my ears. My parent’s would pop into my head. I would pop into my head. Only it was me from the future and I was filled with so much regret that I didn’t wait for someone I really LOVED to give my body to. And I know that sounds all prude, but it’s true. Since then I haven’t had another boyfriend. And clearly if I can’t do it with the guy I’m dating, the whole party hook-up thing isn’t my scene.
Three weeks ago I turned 20 (Ah! 20!). And all of a sudden this whole virginity thing started to bug me. You see, when I think about being a 20-year-old virgin: 1. I feel OLD and 2. I feel kind of like a loser. And that is completely not fair. Why has society conditioned me to feel badly about respecting my body and sticking to my values? Why should I be embarrassed that I haven’t yet experienced sex after only 20 years in this world?
It’s no secret that I’m a virgin and if asked, I’ll tell the truth. There is no shame in not being ready, or being afraid. In my mind sex is a big deal; it’s an act in which you’re closer to another person than you’ve ever been before. That’s scary! You’re left completely vulnerable, wholly relying on your partner to catch you as you’re falling nakedly through a void of uncertainty. And that’s why I’m waiting. Because I can’t imagine having sex with someone that’s just in it for the pleasure. I’m waiting because I want it to connect me with someone on a deeper level than I have ever known. I don’t want it to be only a physical act, but an emotional one as well. I want to look into my partner’s eyes and dive with him into an ocean of raw emotion and vulnerability, and emerge connected to him in a way I didn’t know was possible.
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. I don’t actually know that sex requires vulnerability and raw emotion. Duh, I’ve never had it. But I have to believe that if you do it right, it does.
For those of you who like me are waiting for the right time or the right guy, you’re not alone. You’re not wrong to wait, and you shouldn’t feel the need to rationalize your decision. I believe that having the patience to wait for the right guy will make the experience as magical and powerful as I’ve been told it will be. After all, it’s called making LOVE! It should be done with someone you love, right?
So yes, I’m a 20-year-old virgin. And despite the pressures of society and the media and everything else that tells me that being 20 and never having had sex is super lame, I’m okay with it. It doesn’t mean I’m a prude, or a loser, or weird. It just means I believe it’s something worth waiting for. There is nothing wrong with that.
Evelyn Pearl is an open-minded and open-spirited college student living in Newark, DE who enjoys organic food and nature walks in the rain. She hasn’t decided on a career yet, but she hopes it will involve much travel and many adventures throughout her life. After several failed attempts at blogging, this is the beginning of her writing endeavors.
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