From Our Readers Let's Talk About Sex From Our Readers

No really, let’s. Because it scares me. And I’ve never had it.

I’m not one of those girls that has been single for her whole life. I proudly flaunted my 4th grade boyfriend, and the one I had my sophomore year in high school as if those relationships meant anything. But even at the time, sex was out of the question. I was too young! In fact, in fourth grade, I don’t even think I knew what sex was. In high school, I had the opportunity, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every health teacher’s voice would ring in my ears. My parent’s would pop into my head. I would pop into my head. Only it was me from the future and I was filled with so much regret that I didn’t wait for someone I really LOVED to give my body to. And I know that sounds all prude, but it’s true. Since then I haven’t had another boyfriend. And clearly if I can’t do it with the guy I’m dating, the whole party hook-up thing isn’t my scene.

Three weeks ago I turned 20 (Ah! 20!). And all of a sudden this whole virginity thing started to bug me. You see, when I think about being a 20-year-old virgin: 1. I feel OLD and 2. I feel kind of like a loser. And that is completely not fair. Why has society conditioned me to feel badly about respecting my body and sticking to my values? Why should I be embarrassed that I haven’t yet experienced sex after only 20 years in this world?

It’s no secret that I’m a virgin and if asked, I’ll tell the truth. There is no shame in not being ready, or being afraid. In my mind sex is a big deal; it’s an act in which you’re closer to another person than you’ve ever been before. That’s scary! You’re left completely vulnerable, wholly relying on your partner to catch you as you’re falling nakedly through a void of uncertainty. And that’s why I’m waiting. Because I can’t imagine having sex with someone that’s just in it for the pleasure. I’m waiting because I want it to connect me with someone on a deeper level than I have ever known. I don’t want it to be only a physical act, but an emotional one as well. I want to look into my partner’s eyes and dive with him into an ocean of raw emotion and vulnerability, and emerge connected to him in a way I didn’t know was possible.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. I don’t actually know that sex requires vulnerability and raw emotion. Duh, I’ve never had it. But I have to believe that if you do it right, it does.

For those of you who like me are waiting for the right time or the right guy, you’re not alone. You’re not wrong to wait, and you shouldn’t feel the need to rationalize your decision. I believe that having the patience to wait for the right guy will make the experience as magical and powerful as I’ve been told it will be. After all, it’s called making LOVE! It should be done with someone you love, right?

So yes, I’m a 20-year-old virgin. And despite the pressures of society and the media and everything else that tells me that being 20 and never having had sex is super lame, I’m okay with it. It doesn’t mean I’m a prude, or a loser, or weird. It just means I believe it’s something worth waiting for. There is nothing wrong with that.

Evelyn Pearl is an open-minded and open-spirited college student living in Newark, DE who enjoys organic food and nature walks in the rain. She hasn’t decided on a career yet, but she hopes it will involve much travel and many adventures throughout her life. After several failed attempts at blogging, this is the beginning of her writing endeavors.

Featured image via Shutterstock

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  1. 20, going on 21, and I’ve never even been technically liked by a guy.

    Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Us women need to stick together in times like this, remind each other why being single is so freaking awesome.

  2. I’m a 25 year old virgin, I haven’t even had a boyfriend, I was (still am) this chubby funny girl with a lot of guy friends. It’s lovely to know there are others like us, I never felt the shame of being a virgin before, and I haven’t, but i started to feel the need of someone to love me, specially in a deeper sense.
    I’ve never had a boyfriend, and sex to me was something wrong, specially before marriage, but now i’ve understand that that’s not true, it’s something beautiful made to enjoy and feel pleasure.
    Everyone says to me to already give it up, that it won’t be special, the first time never is, but i won’t believe them, because i know that i have not waited in vain, and reading your comments motivates me more to really wait for the person thats going to enjoy that moment.

    Kisses and hugs,
    K.

  3. I had sex for the first time when I was 20. I was living in Australia, young, pretty, single, had some very liberated friends in a town that was 80% guys. I was like “oh god I just want to get it over with” and when I did it, I realized to me .. it’s not such a big deal. I didn’t feel different after, it wasn’t actually like “a big moment” it just happened. Not with someone I loved or even liked (and it was REALLY good. one of the best times) and then it just kept happening and it became normal,
    It’s a really personal decision when to have sex and when to do it for the first time. If you want to wait or if you don’t it’s so important to understand it’s YOUR body, YOUR happiness, and YOU get to choose … great article! :)

  4. Lots of respect to you on stating true to yourself and doing what feels right. Have you watched Laci Green’s Sex+ videos about virginity on YouTube? They are so good, from reading your article I think you’d like them :)

  5. I loved this article! Not because I am still a virgin too, I had my sexual debut at 15 with a girl I was madly in love with. The sex was akward at first, but it helped me figure out what I really liked, which was great. We were together for 1,5 years and I wouldn’t change anything about that relationship even if I could. I love this article because people are stigmatized for choosing to wait or have sex early in life. It is a very personal choice that belongs to you, and you alone. Waiting is not a bad thing, and neither is not waiting. All choices are equal and beautiful.

  6. It’s all about whenever you are ready. Other people may be ready sooner or later and that’s them. I waited until I was with the right guy and in love, but not everyone does and that’s fine too. Respect is very important though. Also, the thing about sex is no one understands it the first time. It’s impossible to understand something you haven’t done. But then you learn and that’s a good process too. It’s about open communication.

  7. OMG you are sooo right! i’m gonna turn 19 in a couple of days and still am a virgin. i’m proud of the fact that i’m waiting for the right guy and don’t give a damn about what society has to say, but whenever i think/talk about sex, i feel VERY curious and that makes me just wanna let some dude pop my cherry as fast as possible and get this over with already. maybe society did get inside my head. maybe it’s other people’s pressure which makes me think about my singledom every second of every day. so to sum things up, i believe in love though i’ve never experinced the feeling before. i believe this fight against whatever people have to say about my virginity(hell, even my sex life) is worth the fact that sex is probably cupcakes and rainbows with someone who respects you and your body and shares a grand fantastic love with you. age is not a relevant part of this equation. EVER.

  8. I think sex is somekind of animal instinct, and the need for sex is sometimes reciproc to intelligence. To me intelligent discussions, especially about science, are usually more exciting than sex, if you can compare apples and oranges. However, for women sex is also more a mental, brain experience than for men. Oranges are better than apples in my taste too, and pears are better than oranges if you know what I mean.

  9. I’m in a similar situation. I had a boyfriend for 2 years and we were intimate but never had acutal intercourse.
    It never felt right. We broke up about a year and a half ago after I realized I was in a domestic abuse situation (nothing to do with sex).

    This was the best thing I could have ever done, at the age of 23 I have now realized that I am bisexual, it was bizarrly like a switch went off on my head and I was like “oh”!

    I never realized but I have always been attracted to women and at the moment more so than my attraction to men. It’s a very liberating feeling. I always stressed that I wasn’t into sex enough with my boyfriend and now I know why!

  10. Thank tou so much for sharing your story with the hello giggles community! Soceity to me places too LITTLE value on sex and I applaud you for not falling trap to those pressures! You (and many others) are not alone and I 100% believe in waiting and am waiting until I am married because sex to me is something special for love! Good for you girl! Happy holidays!

  11. I feel you. I waited until I was in love to have sex and it took until I was 25. But I don’t regret for a second waiting as long as I did, or sharing myself with him when I did finally choose to. Being in love makes all the difference in the world.

  12. And Hello Giggles continues to be relevant to my life at just the right time. I’m in the same boat as many other commenters. Lately, it seems like any guy I get interested in wants sex not too long into a relationship. Even my friends that are girls are like, “Yeah, it’s common. No big deal.” But to me, it’s a huge deal. I think that if you feel ready and want to have sex, go for it (just be safe!), but I want to wait until I’m really serious about a guy before having an intimate, physical relationship with him. I’m starting to feel like I’m the one with weird values. I don’t see anything wrong with waiting. No one, even your friends or society, should pressure you to do something you don’t feel ready to do.

  13. fuck what society, parents, friends, or anyone else says – it’s your body and your life – and you will know when you are ready. Great article. :)

  14. Loved this post! Not only because I’m 25-year-old virgin, but because so many girls need to see this to remeber that is cool to wait and there’s no shame on that.
    “Love is waiting.”

  15. I lost my virginity a couple of months ago, about a week after my 21st birthday. The guy? My boyfriend, we had been together about a month. Before that we had been friends again for three months after losing contact after high school. In high school for the last year or two we were close friends and he was my formal date (formal is the Aussie prom). We were not a couple in high school, and looking back now, we weren’t meant to be together then. We had the years apart to experience life after school and grow, become better people and then out of the blue we reunited and here we are. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he was the right one to lose my virginity to. And I would like to think that my first time was the first time that all girls should experience and deserve to! Trust me, wait for the right one, the one who will consider you and make sure you’re comfortable and that you can talk to about what you like and dislike, and vice versa!!!

  16. Respect! I’ve never understood why women are seen as “uptight” or have “too high of standards” (things I have heard) when they don’t have sex (or a boyfriend for that matter) and are waiting for someone they love. But then again if we were to just go out and do it with anyone who’s available and are void of emotions for in order to avoid seeming “weird” for our age, we’re called sluts….
    You can’t win either way!

  17. I love this post. Thank you. I am 24. I, personally, waited until I felt it was time. I was 18 and I’m still with that man. I waited until I felt in my heart/brain that I was time. We have a beautiful 4 yr old together now. I never felt peer pressure from friends to do the deed, and hopefully this post helps others who feel pressured. Wait, it’s worth it.

  18. It’s sad that society has conditioned people to think the younger you lose your virginity, the better. Waiting is an individual choice but you shouldn’t be made to feel that it’s wrong. I think you’re very brave to write about it publicly and it will inspire other people who have chosen to wait too.
    Here’s another article about celebrities who waited past 20!
    http://collegecandy.com/2013/04/01/celebrity-virginity-ages-after-20/#photo=1

  19. You go girl! This message does need to be heard. For those who aren’t ready there shouldn’t be so much pressure. Society has created this awful stigma that being a virgin is a bad thing, when in reality it’s a personal decision and aren’t we always fighting for the right to make our own decisions? No one should be chastised for that. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong, and never stop being you!

  20. I very much appreciate this post! Although I’m no longer in your position, I definitely waited longer than what is advertised as the “norm” and had been headed in the same direction. Many of my friends still are virgins entering their 20s and they feel pressured that some “window” is closing. I know I felt it too. Thanks for finally giving girls like us a voice!