Hey guys. So this week I played with my band Summer Camp in Italy (which was amazing, we ate everything. Even, like, people’s shoes). A really nice guy at our gig who is on Twitter (@MRancati) knew I was a Creek obsessive and made a crying Dawson gif mask for the show. He put it on in the middle of the set to surprise me, needless to say, I nearly died. How amazing. Here is a really dark and fuzzy photo of me and Massimo in crying Dawson gif mode:
Anyway, on with the show!
Haha, look at Dawson’s E.T. doll
Hahahahaha, what a goober.
Joey and Dawson are having a discussion about whether or not to finish the movie they’re watching. You can imagine how entertaining it is. Then they have a tickle fight, but in the middle of it stop really dramatically and stare at each other
“Wait, don’t only goobers with E.T. dolls have tickle fights? Do we want to be those people?” Then Joey says that all films are rubbish because (bit of a tangent here) boys are only attracted to girls for superficial reasons. Joey claims THE ONLY GIRLS boys like, I repeat THE ONLY GIRLS, are ones “from New York, with blonde hair and bony arms and big boobs”.
THE ONLY GIRLS IN THE WORLD THAT BOYS LIKE ARE THOSE ONES. So basically, most of us are f**ked. (This is also quite a harsh speech, because Jen actually has got bony arms).
Dawson suddenly realises Joey is right.
And this makes him realise there might only be one type of boy that girls like. And it almost definitely won’t be the one with an E.T. doll that he places carefully between himself and members of the opposite sex. Joey says, “You can’t stand the fact a girl might go for the guy with a bigger joystick”, which obviously upsets Dawson greatly because…
DAWSON HAS NO GENITALS. #dawsonhasnogenitals
They’re using a really cool song in the opening shots of Capeside High, it goes, “Blister (I’ve got a blister on my finger), blister” #firstworldproblems
Dawson is waddling through the hall in yet another great outfit – khaki linen blazer anyone? – when he spots Pacey hitting Jen’s giggle button.
Dawson shoves his way over to them, “Hey guys! What’s so funny?” But they refuse to tell him, probably because they were discussing his E.T. doll. Then Pacey makes fun of Dawson a bit, and Dawson doesn’t find it amusing in the slightest. Instead he takes Jen’s hand and leads her down the hall, swinging her arm like a butthead.
Later in the locker room, Dawson tricks Pacey into telling him what he and Jen were laughing about, Dawson crying, “You told her people called me Oompa Loompa?!”
Whoa, this is a twist I did not see coming.
Dawson is really upset and tries to slam his locker but it just kind of bounces back. #firstworldproblems
In [can't work out which class this is] class, Jen gets into trouble for sticking up for euthanasia, “Sometimes it’s just a matter of time, sometimes life is a bitch”. The teacher, who seems fixated on the fact that Jen is from New York, says, “THIS IS NOT TIME SQUARE, MISS LINDLEY.” No duh. Jen gets Saturday detention.
OH MY GOODNESS, THIS IS THE BREAKFAST CLUB EPISODE, ISN’T IT? *freaks out for about 3 hours*
In a surprising move, Joey beats up two jocks in the cafeteria after they cut in line. (And call her their concubine).
Detention for Miss Potter.
A super sweaty Dawson gets roped into playing a little post-gym basketball with Pacey so Pacey can show off to the cheerleaders. Dawson, looking particularly old here, gets hella pissed when Pacey explains his reasoning, “Dawson, you suck more than I do!” Then he calls Dawson ‘Oompa Loompa’ and Dawson does this:
Detention for a sweaty Master of Leer(y).
NEXT DAY: SATURDAY DETENTION:
Pacey is already there (why?) as Jen and Dawson turn up. He reveals to them that his nose is broken and Jen starts cooing over him.
LOOK WHO IT IS!!! Abby Morgan!! Who is, according to Dawson, “from hell”. I don’t know about her being from hell, but this outfit certainly is.
Voice of a fashion person: “And here we have Abby, who is wearing a lovely boxy, tartan zip up jacket from Satan’s new collection, which she has paired with glittery grey eyeshadow and some frumpy black trousers.”
I love this Rent-A-Librarian they’ve hired in.
Abby immediately displays how evil she is by offering them all a stick of gum, and when they say yes, cackling, “As if!” Whoa. She is truly the spawn of Satan’s black and rotten womb.
They all gang up on her and make her tell them why she is in detention. Apparently she had an ecstacy-fuelled orgy in the boy’s locker room. They look at her like she’s just parped out a really smelly fart.
Dawson comments on how this episode is a complete rip off of The Breakfast Club, and thus, hearing him discuss John Hughes, my passion for life slowly slips out of me and I lie on the floor in a crumpled shell of what I once was. Dawson, you have ruined JH for me, forever.
“That movie stunk,” says Jen in regard to The Breakfast Club and I start working on crude designs for implements I can use to kill her.
Then Pacey chimes in, “Emilio Estevez, he was in those duck movies remember? Those were classics, so funny.”
I bet Kevin Williamson felt really clever and smug when he popped in that joke. I can just imagine him smirking to himself, surrounded by Scream posters and pictures of himself in his office, wearing his I Know What You Did Last Summer T-shirt, and eating sweets from his The Faculty branded Pez dispenser. Oh, with his E.T. doll on his lap, naturally. (For those of you who don’t know, Pacey AKA Joshua Jackson, was in the Mighty Ducks films).
They get really really bored (after about half an hour) so Abby makes them play truth or dare, starting with Pacey, who picks truth…
Abby: Why are you in detention?
Pacey does some amazing stuttering and then picks a dare instead. Abby dares him to kiss Jen on the lips for 10 seconds.
LOOK HOW EVIL ABBY LOOKS HERE!
Jen tries to avoid the situation, but Joey and Abby are forceful, while Dawson looks on in silent terror. Here is a pic of Joey being forceful:
Pacey submits and looks at Dawson while he snogs Jen.
Do you think Pacey secretly likes Dawson?! Because I do.
They kiss for way longer than 10 seconds (11.45 seconds to be precise) and when it’s over, Jen does the, “Oh, I’m so dazed from that incredible kiss” look that people always do in movies, while Pacey smoothes his lips with his fingers, implying the kiss hurt his mouth.
What a weakling.
It’s Pacey’s turn next and he turns to Joey, asking her who she likes and then looking pointedly at Dawson. She refuses to say and asks for a dare instead, so Pacey says she has to kiss Dawson for 15 seconds. I don’t get, in regards to truth or dare, why people wouldn’t just say “Nah” and walk away. There are no consequences from not performing your dares or telling your truths. Therefore it’s a really flimsy way of getting your characters to do things they wouldn’t normally. Kevin Williamson, you should remove E.T. from your lap and be ashamed of yourself.
So then, finally Dawson and Joey kiss. THIS IS HUGE, GUYS.
They play some awesome grrl rock over it about being up all night and stuff, so it’s totally amazing.
Jen is gobsmacked.
Pacey is thrilled.
Abby is keeping time.
It’s only 10 past 11?! How has all this happened when it’s only 10 past 11?!
Joey picks Jen next and asks her if Dawson is the guy in the school she is most attracted to. Again, why would you answer truthfully?! Also, why has no one used truth or dare to ask Dawson if he has any genitals?! Jen says, “Yes, Dawson is the one I like the most.” Oooh, burn.
Dawson gets upset:
“But attracted to, who are you most attracted to?!” he squeals.
Jen explodes. “Of course it’s Dawson!” Then she says (and this is super bad guys, be prepared), “Maybe, Joey, if you spent less time thinking about me and Dawson, you would have a boyfriend of your own.” MIAOW.
Dawson decides to save the day by suggesting they all break out of the library and go for a walk around the school. Hey, chill out with your big fun plans, Mr. Giggles!
Jen takes over and they steal away to the photocopier to play a game called ‘Guess My Butt’. Oh heavens above, WHY??
Why would you want to do this? Especially with a group of people who’ve just made you kiss the person you’re secretly attracted to and then called you a loser with no boyfriend?
Dawson gets really upset when Jen correctly identifies Pacey’s butt. “How did you know?” he whines. ”Duh, because she’s checked it out,” proclaims Pacey. He then says Dawson is jealous of him, that’s why he’s been acting like a little puke lately. Err, earth to Pacey, Dawson always acts like a little puke. Pacey calls Dawson an Oompa Loompa again (lol, why?!) and Dawson launches into a tirade where he accuses Pacey of being rubbish at everything, so they decided to have a re-match of their basketball game.
Has this ever happened to you? Do you call your friends little pukes? How do you settle problems after playing truth or dare? Why is Dawson such a little puke? Would you check out Pacey’s butt? Have you ever played ‘Guess My Butt’?
For some reason, Pacey has removed his top. Dawson has kept his on, probably because he has no nipples. #DawsonNoNipples
As they’re watching Pacey and Dawson play the worst game of basketball ever, Abby drops the truthbomb to Jen and Joey, “You two can never be friends because Joey is in love with your boyfriend.” Jen is totally shocked:
And Joey is really rubbish at denying it. They show Jen and Joey in utter turmoil over both being in love with the same guy, then cut to Dawson stumbling around the court with his blow-dry bouncing all over the place, his leather thong necklace hanging delicately over his sweaty grey t-shirt as he fumbles with the basketball. Yeah, what a babe. Who wouldn’t fight over this old-looking wheezy dreamboat?
They realise they have to be back in the library asap because Rent-A-Librarian is going to be checking up on them. CUE BREAKFAST CLUB-INSPIRED, RUNNING THROUGH THE CORRIDORS MONTAGE.
I really hope they don’t try to do the dance scene, I don’t think I can handle it.
As punishment, the gang have to re-organise all the library cards after Rent-A-Librarian tips them out onto the floor. Then she says, “Are you hip to my lingo?” which I think is supposed to make us laugh because an adult trying to be young is apparently really lame, but it’s actually pretty cool.
Well, cooler than Dawson, anyway.
They finally finish after a nail-biting race against the clock and Rent-A-Librarian commends them for their hard work. Before she leaves, she reveals that the real reason Abby is in detention is because she was tardy on many occasions.
Oops, didn’t mean to leave the mouse cursor there.
The gang then round on Pacey demanding to know why he’s in detention. He keeps on refusing to tell them, so Dawson calls him a big fat liar and then says Pacey should stop being mean to him and calling him an Oompa Loompa. ”Every insecurity I have about myself is tied up in those two words,” Dawson explains. This is so typical of Dawson, to have a totally rubbish and meaningless insult used against him and not be able to cope.
Is Dawson orange? No. Does Dawson work in the sweet factory of a crazy hermit who wears purple velvet suits? No. Does Dawson sing when he’s happy? Thank GOD, no. Does Dawson wear green and white striped socks everyday? No. Does Dawson have to roll inflated purple girls out of rooms? No. SO WHY DOES HE CARE??
Dawson claims the insult is so awful for him because he’s a virgin, but Oompa Loompas weren’t all virgins. Were they? I don’t think they were. Oh man, I really don’t get it.
To make Dawson feel better, Pacey explains the reason that he’s in detention. It’s for servicing himself in the toilet. EWW. All together now: that’s sooooooo Pacey!
Dawson apologises for taking his weird goober insecurities out on Pacey. “I guess it’s because I can’t handle the fact that Jen doesn’t want me.” WHO DOES THAT? IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE? WHO SAYS THAT? MAYBE THAT’S WHY JEN DOESN’T WANT YOU, DORKBREATH!
Jen tries to console the most self-obsessed boy in the whole wide world. She handles it pretty well, turning it into a sad monologue about how everyone hates her because she’s from New York and still thinks she’s in Time Square and stuff, and she says that it’s really nice that Dawson is kind to her because it makes her feel better about her delusions that she’s still in New York.
Love Joey in the background there.
Pacey and Dawson make up, and it seems like everything is going to be okay, when suddenly Joey leaps to life. Apparently, there was just too much of other people being in pain for her to handle so she screams, “I’m going to go to my grave a virgin.” This is totally, and completely unintentionally, hilarious.
Then, OMG, she reveals that the person she does want to have sex with is…
(Goodness look at her crying face)
(She actually gets stopped from saying who it is by the entrance of Rent-A-Librarian. Goddamn that bloody walking cliche).
WHOA, THAT EPISODE WAS GOOD.
All images screengrabbed from my DVD.