Hey friends. Guess what?! It’s DAWSON’S CREEK TIME. This episode is called ‘Baby’, so unless it’s a documentary about Jennifer Grey, I think this is the one where Joey’s sister has her baby.
Once again, the episode opens with Joey and Dawson having their patented movie night. Jeez, you’d think Dawson had invented VHS or something the way he carries on.
At first glance I thought Dawson wasn’t wearing shorts and just had gross skin flaps around his thighs. I also thought I’d proved once and for all that he had no genitals but, alas! The case trudges on like Jen in bootcut jeans. Speaking of Jen:
Err, what are you doing at Joey and Dawson’s Patented Movie Night, Jen?! Did no one tell you? God, this is sooooo awkward. I like how Joey hogged the bed so she could sit next to the D-Dog, while Jen just had to slump into the most uncomfortable chair ever. Joey is super rude and leaves after only watching ONE FILM but then Jen jumps up and (rightly so) apologises for gatecrashing their time-honoured tradition. She also says, “Since you and I have decided to slow it down, Dawson…” The manner in which she says it, with her arms folded and a kind of “It’s really important to me that you remember this Dawson” tone, is similar to how an adult would talk to a child who repeatedly throws their poop all over you.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT…
Will it be yes? Or will it be sorry (that’s a reference to the theme song).
Next morning at Joey’s, everyone is talking about her sister’s baby, blah blah blah. Also, Joey is drinking Diet Coke in the morning? Do you do that? Am I missing out?
Over at Jen’s Gram’s, Ol Sourpuss is blinded by knickers.
Then she gets pissy with Jen after seeing her “art calendar” with pictures of naked men on it.
Grams: It’s a dirty calendar
Jen: No, it’s an art calendar
Grams: In this house, we don’t ogle naked men.
Jen: No, you just pray to them right?
ZING! Jen 1, Grams 0!
Grams gets so upset at this remark, she superglues her hand to her waist.
Whoa, nice car, Ms Tamara Jacobs!
Pacey is trying to convince Ms Tamara Jacobs to go on a proper date with him because he’s sick of just sitting around her house in his underwear. Hey, aren’t we all.
Ms Tamara Jacobs finally relents (for a bloody change) when Joey suggests they “go to Providence”. Is that a place or is it innuendo for something? ‘I’ll take you to Providence later, darlin’. Eww.
In the boy’s bathroom, Dawson and Pacey discuss the latter’s illicit affair. Pacey uses his genitals to pee, but Dawson has to make do with just washing his hands
Oh shucks, a goober was hiding in the bathroom stall listening to their conversation. What’s more, he was smoking a DRUGS CIGARETTE.
Dawson tries to get Jen over to his house for smoochy times because his parents will be out of town at couples therapy. Jen declines, maybe because Dawson describes his house as ‘Leery Manor’. That’s wrong on so many levels. Jen changes the subject quickly and asks if the “weird Pacey rumour” is true.
I really like the extra’s hair in the background.
Dawson waddles off to find Pacey, but he’s already heard the news from uber ’90s girl.
Pacey nearly passes out
and Dawson has awful hair.
Dawson and Pacey escape into a music room, where Dawson encourages Pacey to try and control the rumour using his powers of irreverence. Pacey replies, “This is the wrong time for an Obi Wan moment.” I just watched Star Wars again recently so I get that reference. Cool.
I love how evil Pacey looks here.
More Darth Vader than Obi Wan, AM I RIGHT?!?! Cool. Cool, cool cool cool. (Abed reference)
Obviously Dawson’s plan doesn’t work because Dawson sucks. Ms Tamara Jacobs is teaching Romeo and Juliet and waxing lyrical about “forbidden fruit”. BIG mistake for this romancer of teen boys.
She still has her name written on the board! It’s been weeks! Surely everyone would know her name by now?! How dumb are these students?
Loads of boys keep making jokes about things like whether or not her boobs are real (?!) and it only gets worse when Pacey shows up late. “He probably needed a rest from last night.” Uh oh, looks like this creepy love affair might be coming to an end. I’m so sad! (I’m not sad at all).
Pacey moons over his problems on the pier, when Joey shows up.
God, if Suri saw this outfit, she would be disgusted.
Joey tries to empathise with Pacey (in her trademark petulant sulky way) and claims that “I’ve been there before”. OMG, DID JOEY HAVE SEX WITH MS TAMARA JACOBS, TOO?! WHEN? *wastes three hours trawling through YouTube for deleted scenes*.
Oh no, I’m sorry, it’s not that Joey has actually been through what Pacey is going through. No, it’s that she’s noticed an opportunity to hijack Pacey’s misery and turn it into a way for her to once again whine about her dad in prison/dead mom/pregnant unmarried sister. Urgh, GET OVER IT, JOEY.
Look at her smug “I have felt more pain than anyone else” face.
When Joey gets home, she finds her sister in labour in their beaten up blue van. It’s pretty shocking, see:
Since their phone is out of order and they need to ring the ambulance, Joey’s sister makes Joey row her over to Dawson’s. Although why they didn’t just get in the car and drive to a payphone in town is beyond me. Hey, remember the ’90s, when nobody had mobile phones or genitals?! Haha, memories.
PLEASE NOTE THAT IN THIS SCENE IT APPEARS TO BE SUNSET, YET IN LATER SCENES THE SUN IS STILL HIGH IN THE SKY.
Joey: Oh my God, the boat is leaking.
Joey’s sister: That’s not the boat, Joey…
#Hilarious pregnancy japes.
Dawson gets all flummoxed, probably because he knows he might see some real life genitals for the first time, and Joey’s sister just gets really sweaty.
Dawson calls the ambulance but then breaks the news that although the ambulance is on it’s way, it’s stopping in Ducksberry first. #Hilarious small town japes.
In response to this, Joey’s sister grabs the phone and delivers a venomous diatribe which pretty much ensures no ambulance is ever going to come ever.
Pacey is waiting for Ms Tamara Jacobs. When she arrives home, she starts having a go at him for behaving “like a boy”. Wait wait wait – do you think she’s actually been under the misapprehension that he’s an adult?! That would explain so much! God, I’m so relieved! I take back all the judgmental things I said about her lack of moral compass, etc. Clearly it’s just that she has some sort of problem with recognising people’s ages!
Oh no, I was wrong. She did know.
She breaks up with Pacey and he nearly cries. It’s almost as if HE’S A CHILD.
Joey bursts into Gram’s house, breaking up a theological discussion between her and Jen, and resentfully asks Grams to deliver the baby.
Because both Joey and Grams are sour pusses, they can communicate on a different level with each other and don’t need to use words. They just glare at each other:
On the way home Pacey’s brother stops him and is REALLY MEAN to him about “making up the Tamara rumour”. It’s super horrible. Like, I think the world is going to end. He also says that there is going to be a special board meeting about the affair.
Back at Dawson’s, Mr. No Genitals is trying to convince Joey’s sister to let him film the birth. Seriously, will he never give it a rest?! What’s next, filming Grams as she bathes in lemon juice?!
Also, I could not hate that weird white waffle shirt he is wearing more if it grew teeth and bit me in the ass.
One of my pet peeves/guilty pleasures is when they show “the camera viewpoint” in films and TV shows. It always looks like this, with a little guide box and the red record spot.
All it does is remind you that what you’re watching is fake, because if we’re suddenly seeing this camera viewpoint, then what does that mean for the rest of the show? Is this a documentary? Who is filming it if so? Shouldn’t the red light be flashing? Have you ever used a camera that looks like that inside it? I especially love it when they use, like, a super 8 camera and the footage they show you is all pristine black and white.
Anyway, Grams is really nice, and I actually think this might be a bonding moment!!! It’s so easy to forget someone is a nasty racist when they help deliver your baby.
Over at the Courthouse (Whoa,things move pretty quickly in Capeside! It’s been, like, 2 hours!), Pacey is trying to talk to Ms Tamara Jacobs, but her sassy attorney stops him. I thought this scene was going to develop but it didn’t and I kind of regret including it in the recap.
Urgh, put it away, dork breath!
Through Dawson’s eyes we see the pain this labour is causing Joey. Because, you know, every emotional moment that happens to anyone ever will illicit some sort of hurt in Miss Potter. Poor, sour little thing.
Cutting back to the courthouse, Ms Tamara Jacobs is JUST about to start telling the court what happened between her and Pacey, when the young man himself bursts in and says, “IT’S NOT TRUE!”
When this happens in real life, what do you do if you’re there a bit early? Do you wait outside so you can time your entrance for utmost drama? Or do you sneak in and watch from the back then pretend you’ve just arrived? “Oh! Phew, I err, made it in time! Yay!” Same with people who stop weddings. If you arrive just after they’ve asked if there are any impediments do you just not say anything? Or if you say it late do they still listen? I really, really, really need to know. Preferably, like, this week.
I like that they made little signs saying “Board Member” for each of the “Board Members”.
Pacey takes all the blame and says he made it up to get attention. Again, this scene was a bit meh.
Joey is now beside herself with misery, partly because there is a lot of blood showing, something which Jen helpfully says in front of Joey’s sister. Ol’ Sour Puss Grams calms down Joey’s sister, and Dawson just swoops in there with his huge camera. Grams whacks the camera out of the way, and I rejoice emphatically.
The birth is getting seriously complicated and Joey’s sister starts yelling that she needs pain relief. So Grams makes her recite the Lord’s Prayer.
Now that he has been banned from making his weird little film, Dawson bounces off to find Joey, saying, “Hey, I can’t wait to tell my Mom what happened in her living room!!” (Not reeeeeeeally the time Dawson).
How does he get so much volume and height with his hair? It must be blow-dried, but does he backcomb it too? Either way, it’s impressive. I’m not going to give Joey the satisfaction of telling you what she’s saying about her pain. Yes, it’s really sad, but it’s also basically her personality.
Joey’s sister has the baby, mainly because Joey comes back into the room and holds her hand.
Is Joey’s sister happy or scared? Please debate.
Pacey goes and visits Ms Tamara Jacobs at her secluded beach house. HOW IS THIS THE SAME DAY? WHAT TIME DO THEY FINISH SCHOOL?! 12?
Loving the chilled out glass of pinot, ponytail and plaid shirt vibe. It’s a look that says, “I may have just gone up against the school board for sex with a student, but that’s no reason not to go home, kick out some Pharcyde and have a little beverage.”
Ms Tamara Jacobs breaks the sad news that she is leaving to Pacey. But not only is she leaving, she has already PACKED UP ALL HER STUFF and TENDERED HER RESIGNATION and FOUND SOMEWHERE TO STAY IN ANOTHER CITY. Okay, what the hell is going on in Capeside? How did she have the time to do all of that? Is time different in this town? MAYBE SHE’S A WITCH.
She explains that she wants to meet someone her own age, and that she wants to have babies too. She also says, “I want to be their [the babies'] mother, not their girlfriend.” HOW MANY BABIES HAS SHE DATED?!
Look at her, the weird baby dater.
I love that they cut to this little bird sailing its own boat in the sunset.
Then there are loads of shots of the baby and Pacey walking along the sea front and Jen and Grams in the same room and Dawson trying to snog his camera.
See you next time!
All images screen-grabbed from my DVD