Hey guys! It’s another week and another Dawson’s Creek episode! I really hope you like this one. I have to say, I had no recollection of a lot of the intensely bizarre moments in this particular slice of Capeside pie. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll vomit. Oh, and if you haven’t seen episode 1, you can read it here.
Season 1 episode 2 (‘The Dance’) opens with fabulous footage from Dawson’s latest movie masterpiece. In this scene the characters played by Joey and Pacey are about to kiss. However, Joey pulls away at the last minute in disgust. Cut to Dawson’s room where he and Joey are watching the footage.
Joey: “Pacey is so unkissable.”
Dawson: “Please? Do it for me?”
Dun dun daaaaaaa. Oh, she will my friend, she will. But it’ll take about three seasons and you’ll go mental when it finally happens.
Once again, Dawson is talking about Jen and how he plans to woo her. Joey warns him that, sex-wise, in New York things move faster than Capeside. What, so New York sex is double time? Can someone from NY confirm this?
Dawson argues, ”Well, how enchanting for her to meet a strapping young man who doesn’t have sex on the brain.” Hey, look! The chubby 1950s Mayor is back! Why, good evening, Master Dawson of No Genitals!
He then says, ”Jen is a young woman in charge of her own body” and makes me want to hurl.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
Dawson finishes the fake Joey head for the decapitation scene the next day and seems really proud of it. Lord knows why.
Hey, does anyone know what decade we’re in? I’ve forgotten.
Okay, it’s definitely the ’90s. #rollerblades.
Confession: This girl was actually in the pilot but I didn’t mention her because I couldn’t remember who she was and therefore thought she must be a pretty minor character. Yet here she is again, making a very important announcement, “Nobody forget about the big dance on Saturday!”
Look at the poster behind Dawson! It’s the I Know What You Did Last Summer one again!!
Dawson talks to the teacher of film class (err, what?) who has denied him entry because he enrolled too late. Dawson tries being all cute and coy but Mr. Film seems totally unimpressed. It’s almost like he doesn’t realise that Dawson is a cinematic visionary of fantastic proportions who is destined for Hollywood greatness with his scary films about sea creatures and decapitated heads.
He eventually relents but commands him to sit at the back and not participate. Judging by the standard of Dawson’s films throughout the rest of the show, this makes total sense.
Meanwhile, in a different classroom, Pacey is waiting for Ms Tamara Jacobs. Okay, hold up, let’s talk about that hair. What is going on here? Has she clipped the two side sections back? But then how is it all big and puffy on the top of her head? Is she hiding something in there? If so, what?
Ms Tamara Jacobs tries to get rid of Pacey by saying that it’s not his class but Pacey is insistent. ”We really need to talk, there is a lot to discuss. We could start with the open-mouthed kiss if you’d like?” All together now: That’s soooooooo Pacey!
Ms Tamara Jacobs completely denies that any kiss took place and begs him to leave. I like the fact they have this conversation in loud stage whispers in front of the class, like a rehearsal for an Amateur Dramatics farce.
“Oooh no, young man, we did not kiss!” (Winks at audience)
“Why, Ms Jacobs, I believe we did!” (Twirls moustache and comedically taps her on the behind)
Also, excellent extra work acting from the long-limbed boy in the lime green sweater. I left my mouse cursor on him for you.
Delivering the parting line “Your tongue was in my mouth”, Pacey strolls out of the classroom, leaving Ms Tamara Jacobs very flustered. Although that might be because of the rodents living in her hair.
Dawson slaps his lunch tray down onto the table with Jen, Joey and Pacey and launches into a monologue about how they’re going to have to work really hard to get his film ready in time for the festival. Yawn. Joey says she’s not happy about kissing Pacey, who replies, “Hey I’m not engorged with this idea either!”
(PACEY USES WORDS LIKE ‘ENGORGED’ BECAUSE HE’S READY FOR SEX, DID YOU GET THAT?)
Dawson decides to kill off Joey’s character earlier in the film so that she doesn’t have to kiss Pacey. Now if only he could find another actress to do the kiss instead… someone maybe from New York… where sex is double time…
In Ms Tamara Jacob’s classroom, Pacey’s English lesson is taking place, with a discussion about Wuthering Heights and why Cathy pushes Heathcliff away. How uncanny that they would read a book where there is an intense love/hate relationship that exactly mirrors the one between Pacey and Ms Jacobs! It’s totally insane! Just plop these two on a windswept moor and don’t let them bathe for three week and BANG, you’d been in Bronte’s novel!
Urgh, look below – the blonde goober is back. Pacey’s face says it all:
With the well-placed use of a slow zoom (high five), we focus in on Ms Tamara Jacobs as she explains that Cathy rejected Heathcliff because they should have never been together in the first place. They were from two different worlds.
It’s almost like she’s trying to send Pacey a message about their own relationship…
In film class, Dawson is sitting at the back, silent but deadly, like a fart. Hey, look who it is again!
How did she get there so fast?! Seriously, who is this girl? What happened to her? Have I just wiped her from my memory because she wears purple eyeshadow? What does that say about me as a person?
Blonde goober and Evil Jock are talking about their film entry for the festival and Dawson is not amused. Later, he tells Joey about it and gets really upset. Or he’s constipated. It’s hard to tell with him.
Annoyingly for Dawson, Joey doesn’t seem to think that someone else entering Boston’s film festival is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. Maybe Joey doesn’t realise that there is only supposed to be one entrant into the film festival and that entrant must be Dawson Leery No Gentials with his Super Awesome Film about a Sea Monster which is filmed On A Lake. Duh Joey!
And oh no, look!
Jen is wearing the most awful outfit in the entire universe! Slip on brown leather wedges, nylon-mix bootleg pants and a stripy cardigan! Poor Dawson. Oh, and she’s also talking to Evil Jock!
Back at the ranch, Mr. Man Meat (Dawson’s dad) is yet again fixing something because, you know, he’s a man. Dawson asks his dad if he’s seen his video camera, to which Mr. Man Meat replies, “It’s next to our bed… err, you might want to take the video out.” Eww, Dad!
Dawson No Genitals starts yet another super boring monologue, “I don’t condone your sexual relations, yet I admit I need advice because my own inexperience is hindering my female interactions.” Mr. Man Meat, thankfully, stops him there. “Woah, what’s the question?” Dawson admits sheepishly, “I have an issue with the mechanics of kissing.”
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?!
Dawson just happens to have the fake Joey head with him so Mr. Man Meat instructs him to kiss using that.
Yes. Seriously. Someone wrote this scene and what is more, people filmed it and worse than that, it actually got broadcast. Obviously Joey has climbed in through the bedroom window and is watching this terrific hell unfurl in front of her.
Oh except Joey loves it and finds it endearing because she desperately wants to lock lips with Dawson No Genitals: Kisser Of Decapitated Heads.
While Dawson runs out of the room giggling like a schoolgirl, Joey stays upstairs and overhears Mrs. Leery talking in hushed tones to her lover man. Not cool. Mrs. Leery bursts out of the room where she’s been hiding and runs straight into Joey who says, “I know about you.”
In other news: I don’t get why Joey hasn’t done her shirt up this morning.
Cut to: Dawson’s Super Awesome Film about a Sea Monster which is filmed On A Lake. It’s the bit where Joey’s character gets killed.
Dawson is really thrilled about how realistic his dead body looks and uses this to woo Jen. He should just pick up the decapitated head and show her his new smooching technique. Shudder. Instead, Jen goes to find Joey while some moving ’90s fem-rock plays – a woman singing ‘Holding Back the Tears’ in a faux-Irish accent. Awesome.
Things turn odd when Jen compliments Joey on her breasts. (I am watching this episode in utter disbelief.) Joey’s response? To grin bashfully and say, “Oh no, but I’m too tall!” Seriously?!
I can only imagine the writers had the following conversation. While high.
Writer 1: “Hey, so we need to get Joey and Jen to bond.”
Writer 2: “Well, um, don’t women bond over discussing their bodies?”
Writer 3: “Yes, totally! Jen should compliment Joey on her boobs and then talk about ‘the weird thing her hips do’. That’s exactly how it happens in real life!”
The conversation ends with Jen saying, “It’s completely normal to hate the way you look.” Ladies, I nearly cried.
Back on the set, Pacey and Jen are filming their Big Scene where they have to make out. Despite this being entirely his idea, Dawson freaks out, whimpering like a petulant child. “I am cutting the kiss,” he announces.
When filming is finished, Jen walks back to her house. Dawson runs after her like a douchebag and invites her to his dance-themed movie night. Really Dawson? Really?! She breaks the news that she’s actually going to the dance with Evil Jock. No way! How could she pass up a night of sitting in Dawson’s studio (bedroom), watching Saturday Night Fever (Dawson loves films) after he’s described it as “the chance to dance without moving our feet”?! What is Jen’s effing problem?
After ranting to Joey, Dawson decides to take action and attend the dance himself. Why he has to go dressed like the dude from Riverdance is beyond me:
Yeah, peace man.
Joey slips downstairs while Dawson is doing his hair and walks in on Mrs. Leery snogging Mr. Man Meat.
She waits till Mrs. Leery has extracted her tongue and then confronts her in the hallway. The basic gist of the conversation is, “My mom was brilliant but now she has died so don’t you dare cheat on Mr. Man Meat.”
THE DANCE. They’re playing that really fast song by Savage Garden which no one knows the lyrics to but you always try and sing along anyway, shouting the bit that goes, “chick-a cherry cola”.
Check out this extra’s outfit!
Got to love a man in a Zach Morris shirt and wedge sandals.
Jen is having a great time dancing with Evil Jock in his high-waisted stonewash jeans. She doesn’t seem to care one bit that he’s 40 years old.
Speaking of people being okay with age differences (smooth segue), Pacey has gone in search of Ms Tamara Jacobs. Is it wrong that I love her Hawaiian-style cropped shirt?
Dawson “Lord Of The Dance” No Genitals and Joey arrive. They spot Jen on the dancefloor with Evil Jock and Dawson drags Joey over so they look less conspicuous. He forces Joey to dance with him, “Just shake your ass back and forth”, but suddenly the band starts playing a slow number so they have to groove cheek to cheek. It’s super awkward.
They get pretty close, with Dawson saying, “Hey, Joey, you’re pretty good at dancing,” but then Jen and 40-year-old Evil Jock Virgin turn up and ruin the moment. Then, bizarrely, the music changes to Gina G’s ‘Ooh Ahh Just A Little Bit’ as Dawson follows Jen off the dance floor and into the corridor. Jen asks him to dance but he pouts, “What about Cliff?” so she tells him to forget it and disappears into the bathroom. Dawson slumps back into the gym, dragging his heels and complaining to Joey. I can’t remember what they said because I was completely distracted by the two long bits of hair hanging down on either side of Joey’s face.
Why? Why would you do that?
Eventually, Dawson picks himself up and bounds over to Cliff and Jen like a demented golden retriever, the sleeves of his oversized shirt flapping in the breeze. He taps Cliff on the shoulder and says, “Thank you for showing Jen a wonderful evening but I am here now and ready to collect the object of my desire.” Excuse me while I vomit.
Okay, I’m back. Jen storms off in a fit of righteous indignation while Pacey, Dawson and Joey walk home together sharing their woes. Mrs. Leery comes home from work and shares a moment of romance with Mr. Man Meat but she ends it with the patented guilty-look-over-the-shoulder-of-the-person-you’re-hugging-move that they always have in soap operas.
On the pier, once again, Ms Tamara Jacobs is waiting for Pacey under the pretence of telling him it’s over. However, they obviously end up doing this:
After Joey refers to Dawson as a sphincter – finally! – he finds Jen on another part of the pier. (How long is this bleeding pier?) Jen tells him she’s really really angry and Dawson apologises but says he’s scared of getting pushed into the friend zone. He says he wants to be her “big adventure”. Cheesy, right? Well not as cheesy as Jen’s response, “Well, I’m up for an adventure. What do I have to do?”
Before they can set off on their creepy love trip, Jen tells him some home truths, specifically about how in New York she was moving really really fast (double time sex). Then they dance together even though there is no music and probably tonnes of mosquitoes. Joey watches them, looking almost as sad as her decapitated head…
Images: All screengrabbed from my own DVD