Hey friends! I’m baaaaaaack. It’s been too long, what have you been up to? Oh yeah really? That sounds boring. KIDDING! Jeez chill out guys, you weren’t this uptight a couple of months ago.
Since my last post I’ve been to many places on this beautiful planet, I’ve made loads of new friends, and seen some truly amazing things, but there’s one place I didn’t get to see. Capeside. So it’s with great excitement that I sit down and prepare to get stuck into this next episode of D.C. Join me, pals, and let’s have an adventure.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER, I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW WHAT WILL IT BE??
Oh this is what it’ll be. Once again Joey and Dawson sitting in his squalid little room, watching ANOTHER film. This one features Sarah Michelle Gellar running away from a killer with a hook. Wow, I wonder if that’s….Yep, it’s Scream 2, one of Kevin Williamson’s other creations. Hey, if you listen really carefully you can hear Williamson dictating his autobiography, “I really loved the meta potentials of having Dawson (AKA me) watching one of MY films in the series…”
Sorry, I can’t make out the rest of what he’s saying over the sound of my own projectile vomiting.
Quite uncharacteristically, Dawson likes scary movies. Maybe it’s because his real life is a rambling fairytale where he is the troll living under a bridge, hunch-backed and covered in giant purple warts, so horror makes him feel like a real boy, or something. Whatever the reason, he’s thrilled.
Joey meanwhile doesn’t enjoy scary movies, perhaps because she has seen real pain in her life. She doesn’t like to talk about it too much though, only anytime someone mentions their mom. Or their dad. Or money. Or their siblings. Or school. Or anything related to being alive.
Dawson calls Joey a “wuss” which leads them to have the inevitable tickle fight which all teenage boys and girls have while watching a teen horror film made by the adult version of one of them in a parallel universe.
After Joey says the movie is rubbish, Dawson calls her Roger Ebert (DAWSON LIKES FILMS OK?) and drops in that it’s Friday the 13th tomorrow. In return Joey let’s us know that Dawson has a penchant for scaring people because of his “dark side”. Err…wha?? He claims that he likes horror movies because they show ordinary people overcoming their biggest fears. I think we all know the “biggest fear” Dawson wants to overcome #DawsonHasNoGentials
(I’m pretty sure this episode re-cap will be trending on twitter straight after it’s published, so I’ll be inserting hastags to make your in-depth discussions of my thesis easier to find).
They switch on the news and learn that the lady killer has struck again!
Surely they could have found a picture of a woman who didn’t look exactly like Jen Lindley. Or maybe in Capeside there’s only two types of women? Must be a Betty/Veronica type situation. If that’s the case Dawson is Jughead. Sorry, I mean Butthead.
Suddenly Dawson has disappeared off the bed, and Joey is freaked out. She starts calling his name, then goes to leave the room…BAM
Yeah, OK. That’s pretty scary. They’ve done something to his eye, right? Please tell me that is not a normal human eye. If so, I’m never wearing another white face mask again.
Yawn, another excuse for a tickle fight.
The next day at school Dawson is romping through the halls with Pacey, explaining that he’s not going to be doing anything to celebrate Friday the 13th. His reason? “Because I thought my relationship with Jen was going to be some exciting movie, but in actuality the characters were flawed and uninspired, the love scenes were amateurish to say the least, and the ending wasn’t even tragic – it just ended”. I don’t understand why having a lame relationship means you can’t celebrate Friday the 13th, is that some American law I don’t know about? The 1976 law that states only those who have meaningful and passionate relationships shall celebrate the occasion of a Friday occuring on the 13th date of a month.
Also, is Friday the 13th a big thing in the US? In England it’s just “Friday”.
Anyway, Pacey is visibly disappointed at Dawson’s ennui as he goes to open his locker, but then BAM
Woah, how did Dawson get Grams to hide in Pacey’s locker all night? Oh no, it’s just a skeleton with red illuminated eye sockets. You can see where I made the mistake.
You know, Dawson’s going to a lot of trouble to scare his friends, when all he really needs to do is flash them his lower half to give them the fright of their LIVES.
Meanwhile…The inimitable Jen Lindley and her enviable bosom are arriving in a classroom. Oh my goodness you guys, I dressed in pretty much this exact same outfit as Jen is wearing for one of our super cool music videos!
(I’m the one with the beard)
Jen, understandably given her fantastic sartorial decisions, is being hit on by yet another 30 year old man posing as a high school jock.
What. Are. They. Putting. In. The. Water? I can only assume this guy has that syndrome Robin Williams had, where you age really fast. They made a documentary about it called ‘Jack’, remember? Why they didn’t call it ‘Robin’ I will never understand. Just a marketing NIGHTMARE.
Anyway I think this guy has it. He is probably going to show up in the next episode with a colostomy bag hidden under his Letterman jacket. OR MAYBE THIS IS THE LADY KILLER IN HIS EXCELLENT DISGUISE??
Poor Boy-Man asks Jen out for that evening, but she says no because she isn’t over Dawson and his “original and imaginative dates”. Let’s just pause for a minute while we remember some of these magical moments in one of the greatest love stories of our time…
1. The occasion when Dawson invited Jen to watch a movie at his house, but also invited Joey who claimed the bed, so Jen had to sit on an uncomfortable stool surrounded by all of Dawson’s E.T. dolls. Mmm…Romance.
2. The time that Dawson romped around Jen’s garden, sticking his bum out and lamenting the demise of his parents’ relationship. He then made Jen swear a blood oath never to hide secrets from him. Ahh…true love.
3. That day Jen’s ex-boyfriend (who is also weirdly afflicted with Robin Williams’ Boy-Man disease) showed up and demanded to stay in Dawson’s room for the night while stroking his mountain of chest hair. Eeek! Peril!
4. The sad end of their relationship when Dawson finally discovered that Jen had (gasp!) made love to boys before she met him. After which he ignored her for several days and wouldn’t hold hands with her in school (that’ll show her), so she unceremoniously dumped him on the pier.
5. The evening Dawson dragged Jen back to his troll bridge where he groaned at her discordantly until she promised never to tell anyone about you know what. #DawsonHasNoGenitals.
Step aside Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, there’s a new couple in town!
Joey is, of course, eveasdropping on the conversation between Boy-Man and Jen, because she’s so desperate to get a slice of the troll boy for herself. Then BAM
AAAAAAAHHHHHH A COMPLETELY UNCONVINCING RUBBER SNAKE HIDDEN IN HER SATCHEL AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Please God, why would you let this happen??!!
Jen picks up the snake and smiles knowingly, “Dawson” she says. Joey replies, “Dead Dawson”. Jen shrugs, “You have to hand it to him, he has a sense of humour”. At this point Boy-Man steps in, “Hey, I have a sense of humour!” Then he has to run off because the bell has rung and he’s, “never late to class”. This guy makes Dawson seem like an accordion playing, cowboy hat wearing, moped riding dreamboat.
At lunchtime in the cafeteria Dawson announces that his parents are away so he’s having a seance at his house.
I really like how he’s let his hair grow long in the back like a mullet.
Wait, did I say love? I meant hate so much I want to bake my face into a gigantic cake so I can eat myself to death. Jen whimpers that she isn’t going to be able to come because she has a date with Boy-Man. Then she and Dawson have the following exchange:
Yes, does that bother you?
No it doesn’t bother me, does it bother you that it doesn’t bother me?
No should it bother me that it doesn’t bother me? Are you bothered that I’m not bothered that it doesn’t bother you?
It doesn’t bother me that it doesn’t bother me that you’re not bothered that I’m not bothered…should it?
OI, FARTBREATH TWINS, YOU BOTHER ME
Sadly that’s not how the scene really ends. They only stop talking when Pacey sticks a rubber dismembered finger in his mouth (don’t ask).
Jen gets really upset that Dawson hasn’t stuck anything rubber into her locker/bag/mouth to give her a scare….Nah, too easy. Her misery is understandable, since looking at her expectations of romance, Dawson doing something of that ilk would be tantamount to a marriage proposal.
Cut to: Dawson in film class (the only class he’s EVER in) being a show-off about Hitchcock. Then duller than milk Boy-Man corners him after class and asks him how to have the perfect date with Jen Lindley.
Dawson says he’ll think about it. Meanwhile Jen opens her locker to find THIS terrifying note.
Her outfit isn’t that bad.
Anyway. Jen is crazy wazy scared. She is so scared in fact that she goes home and starts chopping carrots. Then…THE PHONE RINGS
(Isn’t this exactly the same as the plot of Scream and Scream 2 and Scream 3….and, um…what’s the next one in the series called? Screams? In Space No One Can Watch Scream? No…Promethescreams? Anyway, point: made).
Despite the fact the guy on the other end of the line has a sort of Kanye West vocodered voice which would make any normal person laugh, Jen is riveted to the spot in fear. Then she decides it’s Dawson on the other end of the line and starts playing along, “This is Drew Barrymore”. Hahahaha good one Kevin. Kanye West says he wants to have her heart but she replies, “Pick someone else’s, mine is a little dented”. Groan. These River Creek kids, always crowbarring their teen angst into every conversation. Even when they’re talking to a murderous Kanye West.
Murderous Kanye West starts to imply that he’s in the house, so Jen grabs her vegetable covered knife.
Murderous Kanye West says, “This guy Dawson sounds like a real loser”. LOL you know it! *Hi-Fives Murderous Kanye West*.
Jen runs all over the house obeying the commands of Murderous Kanye West, and gets freaked out in the room where her Grandfather is lying in bed, comatose. Murderous Kanye West claims to be hiding under the bed, so she breathlessly goes and looks. She screams when her Grandfather’s limp hand falls onto her head, but after carelessly tossing that back onto the bed, she runs out. She doesn’t find anything except the front door handle rattling like someone is trying to open it (actually a bit scared now TBH).
Then something seriously scary happens. Myyy ffingers aaree actuallyy shakkking as I wwwrrrite thiiiss…Jen runs to close the now open back door when someone, or something, grabs her arm – BAM It’s the skeleton from earlier!
Nope just Grams again. #NopeJustGramsAgain
Oh awesome, some kewl rawk musak and a collection of exterior stills.
Charming! *Cake onto face, eats self to death*.
Over at the Leery residence, Dawson is hanging a baby from its neck.
And you didn’t believe me.
Joey shows up and they have ANOTHER tickle fight. Ugh.
Pacey arrives (thank goodness) and they drive to the store for food and drink. Why do you need catering at a seance, aren’t all the guests dead? Hahahahahahah ghost jokes #GhostJokes
Joey stays in the car while the two men, sorry I mean fifteen year old boys, do the shopping.
In the store they see a couple having a fight, the guy storms off, leaving this lady in their company.
I’ve been thinking about applying blue eyeshadow on my eyelids so that it completely covers my whole eye socket, all the way up to my eyebrows. Now I can see how great it looks, I’m gonna go for it!
This lady proves herself to be unhinged by shouting “YOU WANT ME TO SCORE YOU SOME WINE?” and then sliding a bottle of merlot into her saggy leather handbag with diamante studs.
Dawson is, of course, outraged.
Meanwhile, back in the car…
“David” claims he is lost and asks how to get to Providence. Joey gives him some directions and then gets freaked out, “Sorry was I staring?” asks David, “It’s just you have the most intense eyes”. He then asks Joey if she lives nearby but before she can answer…BAM
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD WHAT’S ALL THAT WEIRD FLUFFY STUFF AROUND DAWSON’S HEAD??? OH MAN WHAT IS IT?!!
Oh, chill, it’s just his super gross blowdried mullet. Phew!
Dawson tells Joey off for talking to strangers. He tells her she has to be careful because, “It’s the 90’s!”
Pacey makes the really stupid mistake of inviting Blue Eyeshadow to their seance. Which is awesome as then the gang are chased all the way back to Dawson’s by her crazed and violent ex-boyfriend.
That’s soooooo Pacey!
Boy-Man shows up at Jen’s and takes her to Dawson’s seance. Of course #OfCourse
Wilma, Fred, Scooby et al are all a bit weirded out by Blue Eyeshadow.
I hope it’s not her make-up as I’m doing mine as I type and it looks seriously awesome. I might get it permanently tattoed onto my face!
Jen confronts Dawson about the note and the phonecall, and Dawson denies all knowledge. SPOOKY.
Blue Eyeshadow goes looking for some ice to have with her red wine (?!) and discovers one of Dawson’s little creations.
Yeah sure, it’s scary and all, BUT ICE IN RED WINE??!?!?!!?!?!?
Dawson pulls out his seance book, yeah we all have one. Don’t you? Awkward.
I assume Dawson has this one:
Here’s a reader’s summarisation:
“Presley Parker is hoping to put her previous party disasters behind her, but things get off to a rocky start when she agrees to host a seance party for Jonathan Ellington. Jonathan is a micromanager, and his wife’s tastes in decorations are cheap….I’d feel badly about what I am going to write if Presley were a real person, but since she isn’t, I won’t. I hope Presley has a long career planning murderous parties. These trips are always fun.
NOTE: I was sent a copy of this book in hopes I would review it.”
Thanks. Glad you alerted us to your journalistic bias.
Boy-Man takes Dawson to one side and thanks him for having them over, “This is perfect, how many guys would take a girl to their ex-boyfriend’s house on a first date? SO original!”
Dear Boy-Men of Capeside,
Get a frickin’ clue.
Dawson tries to avoid the awkwardness of the conversation by decorating the house with seriously scary red scarves.
Um are those dragon eggs in that bowl Boy-Man is holding?? Behold, Daenerys!
They all sit down and get started on the seance. Pacey suggests they try and contact the victims of the Ladykiller so then they can identify him and get the reward money. Dawson mentions that they say the Ladykiller stalks his victims, usually coming into contact first with notes and phone calls.
Boy-Man gets worried, “You got a call, didn’t you Jen?” She nods, “Yes, and his name was Dawson”. Dawson swears that he wasn’t the one to call her…He tells the rest of the story of how the Ladykiller attacks, it’s almost as gross as his outfit, but not nearly as terrifying.
Boy-Man becomes jealous of the attention Dawson is receiving, “I have a story” he yelps desperately. He then proceeds to tell a really bad story about a single mother who picks blueberries and her child gets eaten by a snake.
Then comes Blue Eyeshadow’s story. She basically says that she’s crazy and has a great big knife in her purse that she uses to kill teenage boys. Then the lights go out and everyone screams. The phone is dead too so they all split up to check the doors are locked and get flashlights and stuff. It’s great because Joey and Pacey have the opportunity for one of their angsty arguments about how she’s in love with Dawson, and he only dates crazy older women.
Their sexual-tension filled discussion is interrupted by a swinging axe suddenly releasing itself over the stairs. By releasing itself I mean it suddenly starts swinging. I don’t mean it poops all over the floor. I’m pretty sure axes can’t poop.
Jen and Boy-Man find a mirror in the closet with the words, “You’re Gonna Die Tonight” written on it in fake blood. What do you think’s going to happen? Is Jen going to die tonight? Will she ever learn to put heat protector spray on her hair? Who looked better in the outfit, me or her? Is Joey going to smile once this whole season? Now I’ve got blue eyeshadow tattooed on my face, how do I get it off? How many people would it take to tackle Dawson to the ground and buzz cut his weird neck hair?
Downstairs Dawson gets a seriously big fright. He looks in a mirror. No, not really, THIS HAPPENS:
Dawson screams with fear but it’s OK she’s really alive. Were you scared? Did you think she was really dead? It’s difficult to build tension when all you’re doing is writing down the events of a TV show with no music or, like, moving images, to make it scary. Sigh. My life is so hard.
Dawson gets upset that the Scooby gang let him believe Joey was dead. Joey replies, “Boo hoo, it was all Jen’s idea, and a good one I might add” (who talks like that?!). Dawson gets pissy with Jen and Jen retaliates by saying that the notes and phone calls she got from Dawson were way too scary. Once again, Dawson is adamant that those phone calls were not from him. No duh, they were from murderous Kanye West.
Nice saggy red jumper, yoghurt-head.
Also, can we always shoot Dawson’s scenes in semi darkness like this? Think it would really help reduce the number of upchuck incidents.
Dawson runs upstairs to cuddle his E.T. dolls or get some paintbrushes or something (of which he has several. What’s he gonna do, paint on some genitals? #DawsonHasNoGenitals).
Jen runs up after him and makes him swear that it really wasn’t him who was Murderous Kanye West. She makes him say, “Honest to God”. Again WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?!
Dawson once again denies that it was him. Of course the thing that really bothers Jen now that she finally believes troll boy, is not WHO THE HELL DID CALL ME THEN?! but “Why didn’t you want to scare me Dawson?”
Dear potential serial killers,
Rest assured that you ever try any of these tactics with me, my main concern will be getting to the police as soon as possible and requesting to be locked up in one of their underground bunker things (sure they have them), while the entire police force of England Upon Thames waits in there with me. With cake. My priority will not be running to that fluffy-mullet troll boy whom I dated for a couple of weeks when I completely lost my mind, and asking why it wasn’t him who threatened to kill me and pretended to hide in the room where my Grandfather is lying comatose.
Lots of love,
Somehow the pair get super close to kissing before Jen pulls away and says, “Nope, no, not a good idea”. OK. Serious question, have any of you ever done this? Have you ever got one second away from kissing someone, so close that their fluffy mullet is tickling your cheek, before you decide it’s a bad idea? This has never, ever happened to me. If I don’t think kissing someone is a good idea, say for example, because they’re my friend’s mother, I tend to stand quite far away from them and generally behave in a manner that is conducive to the fact that I don’t want to kiss them. I do not stand very close to everyone just in case I might think halfway through the conversation that kissing them is the best course of action, and only allow my “bad idea” reflex to kick in at the very last moment. Maybe I should though? Maybe this is the way to have a really exciting life. The sort of life where you have a deep dark secret in New York, then run away to a creek and make friends with a motley crew. A motley crew where the other girl hates your guts completely, and the fluffy troll boy you were dating now hates you so much that he (gasp) no longer takes time to scare you on that worldwide national scare-holiday (scoliday if you will), Friday the 13th. That sounds like the kind of life I want to have! *starts standing really close to all my friends’ mothers*.
Pacey and Blue Eyeshadow are standing on the porch outside the house. Greeeeeeat idea guys. Pacey sidles up to her and says, “You know, I’ve been with older women before”…THAT’S SOOOOOO PACEY
Before he can really turn on the charm they hear a rustle in the bushes, “Wow did you hear that rustle in the bushes?” Pacey asks. Then next thing you know – BAM
Blue Eyeshadow’s boyfriend shows up and starts breaking things and trying to get into the house. It’s kinda scary.
They all run round the house, locking all the doors and closing all the windows. They forget about Dawson’s window though, and he climbs up the ladder and gets in the house. Getting scarier.
He finds Pacey and starts trying to strangle him, but Joey comes to the rescue, whacking him over the head with a frying pan. (She whacks the boyfriend over the head, not Pacey). Suddenly Blue Eyeshadow is in love with her boyfriend again. Wait, if wearing blue eyeshadow makes you crazy and encourages you to date wayward men, I really need to get this stuff off fast. Scariest.
Party is over guys.
Boy-Man walks Jen home. She says she’s really glad the night’s over, and he’s surprised, “Dawson said you loved to be scared”. Boy-Man explains that he was worried he wasn’t as unique, or creative, or imaginative as Dawson, so he asked Dawson for some advice. Apparently Dawson said Jen got a kick out of being scared, which is why Boy-Man called her and left all those notes around the place.
Aww look how smug he looks about it.
It makes sense that Dawson would know that Jen doesn’t like to be scared and so would use that to sabotage her next relationship. I mean, the first thing I always bring up on first dates is whether or not I like to be scared. It’s a pretty normal thing to talk about with a potential boyfriend, right?
Hahah they reach Jen’s door and Boy-Man says, “Well, looks like we’re here”. Oi, gooberbrain, you’re not Frodo and Sam travelling through Mordor, you just walked about 100 metres from her ex boyfriend’s house!
Securing his place in the annals of lamest one episode love interest ever, Boy-Man asks Jen for a goodnight kiss. Ugh seriously, why?
Jen is just saying no, when Grams opens the door. Jen tries to use this as an excuse to get into the house, but Grams seems to really like this boy. When he picked Jen up she said, “you’re an honour role student, quarterback, and you go to church every week”. What I want to know is how the hell Grams has access to the School records, and why is she stalking young men in Capeside?
So Jen is stuck out there after Grams gives them her stalky blessing. “Take your time”, ewww.
Adding to the grossness further, when Jen does enter the house Grams refers to Boy-Man as “good stock”. She is making me more nauseous than Dawson’s hairy knuckles right now.
Grams gives Jen a letter.
Aww. A bit of white card with one lame line written on it in black felt tip, with his name scrawled underneath, no kisses or platitudes. Wow, he really does care about you Jen!
He might as well have just thrown an old receipt through her window with “Today is Friday the 13th” written on it in troll slime.
In Dawson’s room he and Joey are in their pajamas discussing the moment Joey fell out of the closet. Ick she’s doing that thing where she talks out of the side of her mouth because she’s so shy and vulnerable. “For a moment I thought you might even be sad if I died”. Of all the things these Creek kids say, this has to be the most ridiculous.
Dawson takes the bait, of course.
He says he would be inconsolable if Joey died.
Sigh. Katie Holmes is so pretty.
They’re now having a conversation about what would happen to Dawson if Joey died, and how Joey would feel if Dawson died. Then they get into bed together and snuggle down to watch the news. Perfectly normal teenage behaviour. Nothing strange about that.
OMG LOOK WHO THE LADYKILLER WAS!!!
It’s the freaky guy in the Cosby sweater who was talking to Joey earlier! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Great episode guys. Thanks for watching. Now, seriously, who wore the outfit better – me or Jen?