It can’t just be this lesbian. I went to my first Los Angeles Galaxy game the other night and it was awesome. Granted, when asked if I wanted to go, my response was: “That’s soccer, right?” Sometimes I’m not the best lesbian. I can’t name any WNBA players and I wouldn’t know what to do in a Home Depot and I’m allergic to cats. If I didn’t like girls, I’d be straight.
Back to Beckham – that guy is crazy sexy. You don’t need a degree in Heterosexuality to know this. Even his hair was the hottest hair on the field. It flopped and fell way better than any of the other hairs on the field. I learned that there are 11 players on each team plus referees, which comes to roughly 24 hairs on the field at any given time. That’s a lot of hairs and David’s hair was the clear winner. There’s a good chance that I was the only one doing this math in the stadium during the game.
He’s also crazy good at soccer. Like, ridiculous. And then, get this: the morning after the game, he and his wife Victoria had a baby girl! I guess that makes me Aunt Jill. You don’t need a degree in Family Medicine to know that that’s how that works.
That same afternoon, before heading to the Galaxy game, I did stand up at a Halfway House for women which presented the unique opportunity to kill in front of ladies who have possibly killed. Telling jokes in a living room in the daylight has never been so intriguing. A lot of these ladies were lifers who had been in prison for over 30 years. I watch enough TV to know that this just might be my wheelhouse. I went in thinking that if I didn’t get hit on, they should take away my lesbian membership card. Or at least all of my Gina Gershon DVDs.
I told them that I thought it was so great that they were starting their new lives and how cool it was that while the rest of the nation was super emotional and bummed about the release of the final Harry Potter movie, they weren’t… because they probably haven’t seen any of them yet and still get to see all eight! Thank god they laughed. Many of them were smokers so I reminded them that they’re now putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes to warn people of the hazards of smoking and that I’d just found out that they’re gonna use my 8th grade picture even though I’m not even a smoker. It was just that bad of a picture. So, I hope my big hair, braces and turtleneck underneath a pink button-down helps at least one of these women stop smoking. I think it went well. I didn’t get any phone numbers, but I think I know how to find them as I’m pretty sure it’s just one number for the lot of them.
It’s been crazy hot, so please don’t expect segues. I’m psyched for it to cool off a little as I prefer the cold weather. Although, the minute it gets chilly, I always fall into the same trap. I sleep with a sweater model – they’re so cozy and so east coast. I’m particularly fond of “Sweater Actresses”. These are the awesome actresses who have a tendency to act with their sleeves pulled over their wrists and about halfway over their palms. Neve Campbell is probably the best, but other favorite Sweater Actresses include Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. Love, love and love.
I’m worried that this post is jumping around a bit and that you’re thinking that I’m making fun of the above ladies, but I’m not. Not the ex-convicts, not the movie stars and most definitely not Lady David Beckham. I think that’s the proper way to refer to him. He’s knighted, right? I’m probably just being paranoid, which is actually how I’ve been feeling ever since I came to the realization that I’m pretty sure that my therapist has finally gotten sick of me. Here’s what happened: I walked into my regular appointment last week and she had on what was obviously a fake mustache and kept saying: “No English! No English!” I was like, “Um, I know it’s you. You work out of your house.” I’m sure I’m over-thinking this.
Look, at the end of the day, I’m probably just way too aware of stuff. But I say it’s better to be extra aware than not aware at all. For example, a woman in Ireland has died of an allergic reaction to the dog she had sex with. People, know your allergies.
Image via splashonline.com