From as far back as my memory serves, I have always loved human interaction. I love considering people’s diverse opinions, giggling sincerely at their anecdotes, listening intently to their problems and offering up my best attempts at advice. I often correlate my self worth the value I provide to others. I like people to focus on what I’m doing, not who I am.
Then, a few months ago, I watched this video and it sparked an epiphany.
“Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.”
How lovely, glamorous even, she makes being alone seem. And Heaven knows we could all use some healing.
That video catalyzed my decision to break away my extroversion dependence. Instead of my usual preference to do things I’d rather not with people I love, I decided to try doing things I love with a person I’m learning to love: me. Between solo trips to restaurants, concerts, gyms, mountains and yes, even a bar or two, here’s what I’ve learned.
1. You have to know who you are to decide what you want.
When I began this experiment, I realized I had fallen into a routine that had led me incrementally astray from who I am. Like a frog in slowly boiling water, throughout college, I began changing for people without noticing. The girl who used to stay in to watch History Channel documentaries on Friday nights and loved going to local concerts or exotic, borderline weird places to meet interesting people, became a girl stuck in a perpetual cycle of binge drinking in gross bars trying to impress gross people whose opinions I didn’t even respect. Not because everyone was doing it, but because everyone I cared about was doing it. It took a jolt back to reality, an introspective look at who I’d become, to realize years of minor changes had severely altered me. I realized I was in the midst of a quarter life crisis, wanting to be anywhere but where I was, lacking inspiration and purpose.
How did I break the cycle? I re-introduced myself to the only one who could fix it: me. After taking myself on several hikes, dozens of bike rides and countless coffee shop parties-of-one, I remembered who I was, and that I would rather do things I love by myself than things that were of little interest to me with people I love. And after that, I even realized that I was doing them with someone I love.
She turned out to be an excellent companion. She has great taste in music, an insatiable curiosity to learn and grow, and enough gumption to compliment lovely people, inquire about restaurant playlists and spark conversations with pleasant strangers…even without a bourbon on the rocks as liquid courage.
And it’s at that point I began holding myself to a higher standard. I reassessed my career, my lifestyle, even my friends. I remembered my passions and resumed pursuing a purpose that had been deserted for far too long. It took me discovering whom I was, to even know where to start.
2. No one thinks you’re weird for doing things alone.
There is some pointless, unspoken social norm that tells us it’s deviant and unacceptable to be alone. Strangely enough, we only notice that norm when, well, we’re alone.
My friend recently moved to a new city. She considered getting a dog solely so she has an excuse to explore her new home without feeling alone. I don’t condone taking on the responsible of another life so you have an adorable and peaceable wingman, but I get it. Animals make it socially acceptable to be alone…or something. So I set out to prove her wrong.
The truth is, I have never been in a theatre or at a restaurant and whispered to a friend “Oh. My. Gawd. Look at Loner McLonerson and his imaginary friends.” Partly because no one talks like that, but also, I hardly ever notice a one-man wolf pack and if I do, it’s with a tinge of envy I think how fulfilling it must be to see a foreign film or try out an exotic delicacy for one’s own enjoyment and no one else’s. That is, until I started doing it myself and noticed I was afforded the same courtesy. No condescending whispers or glares were ever apparent on my solo adventures.
In fact, I recently took a bike ride to my favorite brunch joint, armed myself with a mimosa, some work and a book and hung out for about 2 hours. After some time smiling and exchanging small talk, the bartender inquired good-naturedly “Getting lots of work done?” I replied sincerely (with, to my surprise, more independent self-confidence than blatant self-loathing), “It’s a great excuse to drink alone.” He laughed congenially, gave me a wink and replied, “You never need an excuse to drink alone.”
And for the Super Bowl, I decided to truly test this theory and went stag to a bar. I ended the game with several new friends and equally numerous free drinks for being one of the few Giants fans there. The tinge of discomfort I initially had quickly wore off once Madonna’s mind-blowing cartwheels and my favorite commercials made for easy discussion.
It turns out people don’t think being alone is weird. Many times, they think it’s commendable, desirable even. If they do think it’s weird, it’s probably because they have some deep-rooted traumatic memory of eating lunch in a bathroom stall alone a la every late 90’s – early 2000’s teen movie.
3. It’s good to be comfortable with being uncomfortable:
This is probably the greatest lesson I’ve learned. Being uncomfortable means you’re growing. Eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or try on your favorite pair of skinny jeans and you’ll know I’m right.
It’s on the edge of discomfort where the magic happens. Where panic turns to a pleasant, natural high and you know you can tackle the world. Where tripping in front of a handsome stranger and laughing it off leads to a sushi date, where joining an elderly stranger for a game of chess becomes a life-changing lesson and where attempting to climb a mountain (literal or figurative) with the will, but not necessarily the way, ends in sweet, sweet victory.
So what are you waiting for? Get yourself a pint of life’s figurative ice cream and start living a little.
4. Once you start doing things you love, you’ll inherently meet people you love.
Once I began to reconnect with who I was and had the newfound confidence to do things that were meaningful to me, I naturally found myself surrounded by amazing people. Once I began seeing bands I loved, I met people who shared the same passion for music. When I began hiking, I met hikers from 8-years-old to 80-years-old who shared my fervor for nature and fitness. When I got back to reading nerdy books, strangers on planes commended me on my literary choice and struck up meaningful conversations.
If you stop trying to impress people and get a bit more selfish, worthwhile people will come into your life like bees to honey. And you’ll never have to pretend to be someone you’re not. From experience, that is a beautiful thing.
Now obviously, you have to be smart about your solo adventures. If you decide to explore dark alleyways or warehouse raves alone, you might gain some life lessons you didn’t sign-up for. While being open-minded and spontaneous, you must, of course, also be cautious and aware.
Now that my mom and my D.A.R.E Officers from 3rd grade are content with that disclaimer, back to the point: learning to be alone has been the single greatest paradigm shift in my life. My confidence, independence and overall sense of wonderment with humankind have increased exponentially and I feel more alive than ever.
Now it’s your turn. Once you’ve tried it, I’d love to hear about your experience. Ready…Set…Go your own way.
You can follow Kirsten Stubbs on Twitter.
I don’t know, I had a good one this morning. I was ninnurg in my neighborhood (25 mph streets), and there is one section about 30 feet long that doesn’t have a sidewalk, so I’m as close to the 3-foot-deep ditch full of water as I can get. Mustang comes cruising towards me, and I check over my shoulder to make sure he has room to use the other lane, because if he doesn’t, I’ll jump in the ditch. There was no one else coming, so I stayed right on the white line and he moved barely to the left, so I put out my hands in a Come on, dude! kind of gesture, and ..winged his antenna. I heard him slam on the brakes and basically do a burnout coming back my direction, so I diverted down a side street. He chased me down there, and unfortunately, it was a dead end, so I ended up having to face his profanity-laced tirade that ended with, Maybe next time, I should just hit YOU! I told him, yeah, you were close, but I was in the grass, bro. Didn’t get a plate, because it took me by surprise. I hate having to assume that all drivers are idiots, but the more I encounter then while ninnurg, the more I’m convinced.
I really need to try this more often. I miss a lot of opportunities because I’m often too quiet and shy to go certain places alone. I’m even too embarrassed to go for walks in my own neighborhood by myself. I know it’s weird, it’s just how I’ve always been. I did muster the courage once to go see a play on my own on a study -abroad trip (I couldn’t pass it up because it was Hamlet with David Tennant) and it was so worth it! I hope I can start doing more things on my own – it sucks never going to concerts just because I can’t find anyone I know with the same music tastes…it’s just harder when I’m by myself because I’m too self-conscious and I am an extreme introvert. Maybe if I take it one step at a time…Thank you for the post!
Kimberly, you sound so much like me a few months ago. I always assumed even in a crowded room full of people, if I walked in alone, the world stopped so people could stare and laugh at me. Now I realize no one cares and I own it like everyone cares! Now I see it not as I’m here alone because I’m unlikable or unfriendly, but because I am confident and content with who I am and am able to take on the world as a party of one. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Best of luck!
Thank-you for this article! I moved to new city halfway across the world about a month ago, knowing absolutely no one, and it has been a bit of a struggle at times to come to terms with not having familiar faces around. You’ve inspired me to get out there and learn to enjoy spending quality time with myself.
That’s amazing to hear Phoebe. Amazing, serendipitous instances can only happen if we give them a fighting chance! Best of luck.
I love this post. (:
I’ve always been one of those (few, at least around me) who never minded going out alone, or doing anything alone. I love the freedom of doing things at my own pace, without having to worry about others waiting too long, or thinking that I’m too troublesome. And while I love doing things myself, I do get more self-conscious of myself when I’m outside; ‘what would people think?’ ‘Are they wondering why I’m alone?’ ‘Do they think that I’m one of those whom others dont like, and so cant find someone to go out with?’ Though despite those thoughts that flash through my mind sometimes, I’m still off doing it. Thanks for assuring me that that’s not the case. (: Been on holidays alone before (somehow, toured the place myself though I went with my Dad, and slept in a hotel room myself when I went on a schooltrip with others I werent close with), and I loved it, doing what I love without having to accommodate anyone else on where to go and how much time to spend at each place. I do intend on going on a holiday one day to somewhere I love, totally alone.
And right now, I’m studying overseas, so somehow or another, I’m alone again. Yes, I’ve made friends, but I guess it’s still different from being home with family and friends I’ve been with for so many years. Staying in a studio, so I still end up being by myself often. While I do miss having someone cook for me, and having help cleaning up, I relish doing all these at my own time. And on a selfish note, it’s a sense of peace from all the problems back home that my friends are plagued with because they will rant about their problems to me.
Alone does not equal lonely, and I love being alone. Thank you for this article. (:
Thank you for reading and sharing your own story, Kang. It’s incredible to hear in some ways, even in solitude, we’re all in it together.
Kirsten Marie you are AMAZING and always inspiring! This post is so true and I appreciate having little reminders like this every once in a while.
i loved this poem from the moment i heard it a few week ago. It motivated me to start a new tradition with myself. The wednesday night coffee and cake event! After a stressful day at work, having one hour to read and sip coffee by myself, means i go home to my family a much more relaxed and amicable me….
I love the idea of taking yourself out on dates. You’re pretty good company.
This is an amazing article. I felt like I was reading about me.
In a funny way, you are. So many twenty-somethings go through this. In a way, we’re all alone together.
this was amazing, i always am bashful going to concerts alone frack that and let the adventure begin
Frack it indeed! I like your style.
This is just amazing such an Epiphany!
Your four points are innirestetg. I do miss the altar rails, but I think they would be too time consuming in the modern church. Our church serves about 4000 people in 5 masses every Sunday. I think Altar rails slow things down considerably. I REALLY like the vernacular, but I know there are a lot of Catholic’s who appreciate the beauty and mystery of the Latin mass. I have been Catholic for 4 years now, and am in my 60′s. I could not have made the leap to the Catholic Church (after a life time as a protestant) if I had to learn another language, too. I fear the Latin might be a barrier to all our separated brothers and sisters who might want to come home some day. It would have been a barrier to me. And didn’t Paul actually make a point about making the mass understandable, as in one understandable word being more valuable to the unbeliever than lots of words in another language? I guess Ad Orientem can be good, but so can the priest facing the people. If I couldn’t hear the priest while he faced away from me, my already much too distract-able mind would be a lost cause! Yes the Mass can be, and usually is, beautiful. Thank God for it.
Thank you so much for reading, Tatiana!
I applaud you for this article! Extremely insightful, and struck a chord with me as well. Sometimes it feels weird doing things alone, but it also breaks you from constraints of forced small talk and allows you to explore your passions to your heart’s content.
I’m a huge fan of live music and will be venturing to a concert on my own tonight! I’m nervously excited.
Absolutely, Anna. When you reach that point where a bit of discomfort becomes exciting, rather than horrifying, you unleash the potential to really grow and explore.
Thanks so much for reading.
When the student is ready, the teacher will come. There have been a few times in my life when I have been alone for one reason or another and I loved it – but the moment I rejoined civilization, I forgot about it and shrank back from the next opportunity to be solo. At parties and things where I don’t know a lot of people, or when I’m around people who are talking together and I’m afraid of interrupting unwantedly, I always hang back pretending to be OK with being alone when I’m not. My goal this year is to become OK with being a party of one, and that’s a good thing.
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We shouldn’t be psrsriued that some people get upset when they see us doing something to improve our health. They may feel guilty that they are neglecting theirs. You can’t expect them to to appreciate your in their face example. Please don’t try to get even with an irate driver, they may take it out on the next runner they see. Maybe we should be sympathetic that we don’t live in their world. Just saying, we all have problems.
Best of luck, Amy. Cheers to finding clarity in solitude!
This is just what I needed
I’m so glad to hear that Sophia. I hope reading it was as cathartic as writing it was.
Dude, Kirsten. Such a great article. Beautifully written and inspiring. I was in Vancouver alone in my hotel room after a long day of shooting. No one was going out because of total exhaustion. But I was still on this creative high… And I didn’t want it to end. So I slapped on my favorite vintage dress and went out to a bar alone. I had dinner, chatted with the bartender, and then met this guy who ended up being super interesting (in a totally not sexual way. He knew I was married). Anyway we went to the next bar and I ended up making 3 new friends–one of which was a deaf dude who I played a game of pool with. We had to communicate through text, but it worked. And it was an amazing night. There is so much value in exploring life by yourself. Thank you for speaking about it so eloquently and with such heart. I think you convinced a lot of us to explore our loner side. Xo
Dude, B-Money. You know I think you’re hella dope. Keep changing the world!
So true. This article and the video has inspired me.
Following reading this, i have booked myself a concert ticket for this sunday to see an artist that i have since neglected due to time constraints/ social occassions with friends that i wasn’t too fussed about. Ive been to a concert alone only twice before and people did question me about it, but i loved the feeling of going with myself and not having to worry about being a burden to your friends or worrying if they’re liking it to.
I can’t wait! x
You inspire me, Gemma. I hope you enjoy your experiences (and write about them!)
Thank you all so much for the kind sentiment. This topic is a very personal one and I hope others can find strength and comfort in solitude. I’d love to hear others’ stories, so if you have one, drop me a line on Twitter @KirstenStubbs (the Kirsten/Kristen typo will haunt me my entire life… perhaps my next post?
Cheers!
-K
Love this… Thanks, I think you all will love Susan Cain’s recent TEDTalk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
I cannot wait to watch this. Thank you, Mark!
What a lovely article, Kristen! I love it. I’ve realized this, actually, at college. Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused.
“Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused.” Just added that to my notebook of quotes. Love it. Thank YOU for the inspiration.
This is such an important message, especially for women, and maybe especially for young women, to read. We live in a society that somehow still measures our worth by the number of people who want to hang out with us – and for many young women, by how many men want to hang out with us. But if you truly value yourself (I always jokingly said I was the coolest person I knew), then you should be honored to go through life with you as your main companion. There is a certain value to being comfortable with just yourself – in the end, it probably means you have that much more to offer both to yourself and to the world.
You hit the nail on the head. All I have left to say is PREACH!
I’ve recently begun a gap year on the opposite side of the world to home, and being alone is one of the many perks. I, also, have met many people while on solo adventures, like making friends on the high street while helping out an old man who’d collapsed! (he was okay) You really do meet the nicest people when doing things you love that are worthwhile
Thanks so much for reading and sharing, Zoe.
i really really enjoyed this article. beautifully written. being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely.
I love the conversation stemming from this article. I’ve written down several of my favorite quotes from commenters, including yours… “Being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely.” So true. Thanks for reading!