I am not a genius. My SAT scores and my tendency to always misspell the word “cereal” (which is only spelled correctly here courtesy of spell check) have made that fact abundantly clear. “You must just have street smarts,” I bet you’re saying. Nope, not at all. In fact, if you asked me to tell you what direction north is, I’d probably just point up at the sky.
I lack what some people would call “basic common sense” and because of that, I’ve made what everybody would call “some terrible mistakes”. But now that I’ve been through the fire (literally, I stuck my hand in a fire pit to get a fallen S’more), I want to give back. Like Jesus or one of those people who volunteer for medical studies so they don’t have to get a real job, I want my suffering to help others. So here are a few of the important life lessons that I learned through experience, that I hope to pass on to you.
Don’t Buy Cheap Toilet Paper
I don’t care how poor you are, your ass deserves better. Cheap toilet paper is scratchy, hard and potentially dangerous. A good swath of toilet paper is like a nice hug for your lady parts. I once bought crappy toilet paper to save a few bucks and every visit to the bathroom felt as if I were marching to my own death. If you have to choose between paying rent or splurging for Charmin two-ply, choose the latter. Apartments come and go but your butt is forever.
Don’t Watch Sexy Movies with Your Parents
Sure, Monster’s Ball is an academy award winning drama that deals with race, family and the power of love – why not watch it with your parents? Don’t do it! Before you know what’s what, Halle Berry will be straddling Billy Bob Thornton, topless, begging him “make me feeeeel good” and you will want the couch you are sitting on to swallow you alive. Watching a sex scene with your parents is only slightly less humiliating than actually catching your parents doing it. I once watched The Reader with my dad and the minute Kate Winslet got naked in the bathtub with that boy, I actually contemplated faking a stroke. Instead I just awkwardly mumbled, “This scene… weird!” and then shoved an entire Swiss cake roll in my mouth. So many movies have sexual content in them these days you can never be too sure. Stick to watching films with them that are safe and innocent, like Up or Faces of Death.
Don’t Do Bikram Yoga
I get it. You want to stay in shape while at the same time keeping up with all the latest workout trends. But unless you enjoy the feeling of exercising in someone’s mouth, stay away from Bikram Yoga. In case you don’t know, Bikrim is the practice of yoga that takes place in a humid room with a temperature of 104 degrees. I did one session and almost passed out five minutes in, not just from the heat but also from the smell. The entire room stunk of sweat and crotch, like a poorly ventilated strip club. Unless you’re a fan of perspiration – and by that I mean other people’s flying at you from every corner of the room – stay away from Bikram.
Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs
There comes a time in all of our lives when having bangs seems like an amazing idea. Unfortunately, that thought usually comes at 1am after you stalked your ex on Facebook while comparing yourself to pictures of his new girlfriend. Since there are no salons open at that ungodly hour, you will think, “I can just cut my own bangs. No big-ee.” How very wrong you are. If you’re anything like me, when you’re finished, the front section of your hair will resemble Jim Carrey’s in Dumb and Dumber except much less attractive. Please leave it to a professional. Getting bangs is a big life decision, right up there with getting married or having children. You wouldn’t try to deliver your own baby, treat your hair with the same respect.
Don’t Date a Douchebag
Now, this one is easier said than done. We ladies love us some jerks. Something in the way they don’t return our calls and refuse to hold our hand is a real turn-on. It won’t end well, this I promise. I once dated a guy who offered to help me move then charged me $100 for labor. The sad part was that I actually paid him and shortly afterwards he broke up with me. If you date a douchebag it will cost you, not only your self-esteem but possibly a hundred bucks. For that type of money you could just buy a really cute top and feel great about yourself.
Now go out there and make me proud!!! But if that’s too much pressure, just try to not get a food stain on your outfit.
image via sodahead.com