I get the opportunity to pucker up and taste boysenberry-flavored lip gloss at the same frequency at which a person stubs one’s toes in a given year. It just seems to happen, as if the greater power out there places a girl next to me and says, “If you can’t play tonsil hockey with her, you should probably just retire from all physicality with the opposite sex.” There’s something almost magical before that moment happens. She laughs. I laugh, albeit through Catholic-produced Irish spirits which makes my breath smell like lacquered furniture. We know the bare minimum about one another. She handling an advertising account that is in the same fruit family as her lip gloss. Me…well…broke and single, seemingly fitting perfectly snug like like a credit card swipe. The planets have alligned and it’s time to smush faces.
But we don’t. At least not yet.
Because women should be the ones to make the first move. Yep, I said it. 2012 should be the year when all of you strong, smart and sexy ladies start grabbing men’s heads like they were bowling trophies, using their ears like the handles, and planting some memorable smooches that will resonate all the way into 2013 for those chaps. It’s a known fact that women hold the golden ticket when it comes to kissing. A guy always wants to make a move, but it’s the woman’s decision to either give him the go ahead, or pull back like there was some type of elasticity involved in the courtship. With that being the case, it seems only logical for all women to take over said duties in the New Year.
This first kiss trepidation that can occur on both sides stems from not wanting to feel that terrible pit in one’s stomach, when disappointment settles in your gut like a medieval weapon had been swallowed. Ladies have the ability to give birth, surely they should be the ones who give rise to things that come in the Eskimo, peck, French, butterfly, superhero, wet and goodnight kiss variety.
Ladies, you shouldn’t be embarrassed about making the first move. You certainly don’t have to put it on your CV, although I can’t promise you that it won’t lead to V.D. But that’s neither here nor there. You may say to yourself, “I went to a liberal arts college and got my degree in art history, I don’t kiss boys. They kiss me!” WRONG. Don’t think so, I’ve got another sure-fire test to see if you’re going to be a kissing fool in 2012.
1. Do you have lips?
2. Have you watched Fried Green Tomatoes more than once?
3. Do you kiss your animals on the lips?
4. Have you ever used the men’s bathroom at a bar?
5. Has your milkshake ever brought all the boys to the yard?
6. Do you own a pair of pants that has a phrase across the butt?
7. Can we kiss?
8. Would you think about making the first move if you could dangle upside down like Spider Man?
9. Do you own a shade of lipstick that looks like a stripper might own a pair of fishnets in the same color?
10. Have you ever pretended that a bracelet you wore was like Wonder Woman’s and pretended to deflect a bullet?
11. Your first kiss involved you kissing little Jimmy Collins with the retainer, didn’t it?
12. Have you ever imagined climbing into a guys bedroom window a la Joey in Dawson’s Creek?
13. Do you have a close friend who you consider to be a “loose goose?”
14. Do you consider the Bride from Kill Bill to be a role model?
15. Is there at least one Britney Spears song on your “gym” playlist?
* bonus point: does that gym playlist have the word “fierce” in it?
There you have it. If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you’re fully qualified to kiss any and everyone including Santa Claus, your middle aged biology professor, turtles, Turtle from Entourage, me, me some more and yourself in the mirror. I hereby declare 2012 to be the year of the female kiss initiators. So get out there and kiss a man who smells like Irish whiskey.
Image via: easyonlinestudy