Warning: Please note the following post deals with some controversial and difficult subjects, if you are sensitive to the subject of sexual assault or rape please read with some caution. This post is all based on my opinions, I am not an expert and I am aware people’s opinions vary which I respect. I am also writing from a female perspective and on this particular subject only.
I have wanted to write an article on this subject for so long, but one of the first things that struck me whilst putting it together was the wording…It seems to me these days the only acceptable way in which to talk about rape is when making a joke of it. Facebook and twitter status’ regularly refer to someone feeling like they have been ‘raped’ in reference to a hefty hangover but worst than this is the jokes that portray actual rapes as the subject for comedy. Yet when talking about the act itself it almost seems taboo to mention the word. It’s not a serious subject and people don’t want to hear it unless it’s funny…the only problem is, it is never funny but is always serious.
I keep coming across articles in which victims of sexual assault are afraid to come forward through fear of being demonised by the media, if they happened to be under the influence of alcohol at the time or wearing a dress that revealed their legs, it’s assumed they are at fault. This horrific way of thinking stops victims seeking council, reporting incidents and leave a victim feeling guilty and a perpetrator free and most of the time not even deeming what they did as a crime.
What about the 16 year old cheerleader in the US that lost her case after refusing to cheer for basketball player that admitted to assaulting her (independent.co.uk). He was cleared of rape but found guilty of assault so a fine and a few anger management classes later, and he was able to represent his school again as an admired sportsman, whilst the girl is dropped from her squad and made to PAY the school district for her ‘frivolous’ law suit. So let’s get this straight, a girl is assaulted and violated and because the guy is only found guilty of assault (probably downgraded from rape due to the fact how seriously sport is taken in Texas – this is my own assumption) she is then shamed further when she loses her role, has to reimburse the same school district that allowed her attacker to return to his sports team unscathed. How are things like this able to happen? No wonder so many cases go unreported.
How about awareness campaigns…more often than not these campaigns are targeting possible victims, now while it is VERY important to be aware of dangers of intoxication, walking home alone and being aware of your surrounding and letting people know where you are etc. The fact remains it is not down to a victim to stop themselves being attacked. No woman chooses to be raped. They are the victim of someone else’s choice. Alcohol poisoning is a hazard of drinking; being cold is a hazard of wearing a skirt on a night out NOT RAPE.
“Rape is an act of violence…NOT a natural hazard”
Surely the concentration should be at the source. Around 97% of callers to rape crisis lines knew the assailant of their assault suggesting most of the time it doesn’t even occur in circumstances they could have avoided e.g. walking home alone. Maybe it is the potential attackers that should be educated and taught that under no circumstances should they force any kind of sexual act on someone. It is an attitude adjustment in the attackers that is needed not the victims. There should be no excuses and zero tolerance for such violations.
I recently saw a TV show address this subject and I applaud how they handled such a storyline, they didn’t sugar-coat it, it was emotionally raw and painful at times to watch but that is exactly what these assaults are, and more to the point, it is the constant downplaying that makes it almost acceptable for people to take it so lightly and prosecutions to be so frequently dropped before they ever reach court. The amount of strength it takes a person to report such a traumatic experience is phenomenal and the fact it may not be taken seriously is just mind blowing.
My own experience with such events is thankfully quite limited, although not zero and usually I would not share this information in a public forum but for the sake of contributing a personal perspective I will here.
After a night out I was walking home from a club (with a friend) and a guy began pestering us, now we lived down a less then pleasant road to walk down which is why we always went home in pairs. The guy was intimidating and would not leave us, despite us asking him to repeatedly, he proceeded to grab me and begin walking into a darker area with me and forcing his hands up my dress (etc.) I will leave it there but for that split moment before my friend began smacking him and my screaming caused him to drop me and run I was terrified. It didn’t matter to me that someone else was with me because in that moment he had already been able to force his hands on me and I knew if he wanted to he could overpower us both, not to mention the fact I was inches from the stairs to my flat so I was scared to run home as he would know where I lived. Anyway when he ran, we ran indoors and shaken I began messaging our other flatmates to make sure they came home together and was going to leave it at that not even thinking to report it, but there was a knock at the door and two policeman there. A gentleman had seen the incident and called the police. We went to the station to report it as there had been other similar complaints and they had already caught the man. The night was an absolute blur, they asked me repeatedly how much I had drunk (I was unwell at the time so very little) but it clearly made a difference. But the oddest thing was after spending the early hours in a police station reporting someone I went home feeling guilty. I know the impact sexual assault charges could have on him and I was worried that I shouldn’t even be complaining.
The fact is I have worked in bars, I have been a uni student that enjoyed many nights out, and it had become almost the norm for unpleasant drunk men to try and cop a feel or make crude comments (this is by no means a brag- it’s not cause I was special but because they thought it is acceptable) so I did not know if this was just like another one of those situations. But after thinking about the fact a man had seen the event and called the police, knowing other complaints had been made about the perpetrator and the fact he later pleaded guilty, I knew I was right to. If he hadn’t of been locked up for the night another girl may not have been so lucky.
But more to the point it is NEVER okay for a guy (no matter who he is) to touch you in that way without your consent. It isn’t okay for a man to think because you are enjoying a night out in a skirt it means you are ‘asking for it’ or being a tease. A girl should not have to feel intimated walking down her road, or hear disgusting comments while she tries to do her job.
While doing some research for this post I found this campaign mystrength.org and it was so refreshing to see a campaign that actually addressed the possible culprits and not the victims.
Yes a girl should always try to keep herself safe…and not every guy is a sexual predator but I think a generation that blames victims for crimes committed against them is one that is getting it wrong on a daily basis, and one that then proceeds to mock and create humour from such an awful situation is one that it is truly devastating to be a part of.
Stay safe girls but please know, nothing you can do means you deserve to be assaulted or raped, being drunk, in a relationship/married to the man, being dressed up etc. NONE of these things are a crime and NONE of these make it acceptable. It is never okay, it is always a crime and it is never your fault.
Support the victims, not the criminals.
If you should ever need help or counselling on such subjects, there are many charities and organisations to help (see below) and please report any circumstances in which you are a victim of such event. Tell a friend, a relative or the police but do not suffer alone.
You can read more from Natalie Borriello on her blog.
Feature image via.
Hey Guys! I was going to reply to each of you one by one but thought it better to do a bulk reply! I am so overwhelmed with the wonderful support for this article, I was pretty nervous about it and to know so many of you support the message it amazing! And to know I may have provided a tiny bit of support to any victims is truly incredible! Please feel free to get in touch should any of you wish to chat and please keep sharing
xxx
Powerful article! Thank you for presenting this perspective and these truths so honestly.
Few weeks ago i was victim of a sexual assault. But thanks to articles like this, that I’ve been reading before the incident I know that it was not my fault at all, it was someone else’s decision as the article points out. I truly believe that the best way to deal with this is through education and not keeping it to ourselves. Fortunately, I have wonderful people who have supported me through all the difficult process, still reading about it gives me the strength and courage to move on.
Totally. When we have a hang over, or if we get addicted to drugs, or if someone leaves us because of unfaithfulness – those are all consequences of our own choices and actions. Being raped isn’t. It’s the result of SOMEONE ELSE’s choices and actions. Let’s be just and put the blame on who deserves it.
Thank you for this article, Natalie. Lots of great points to think about… Makes me feel like the number one thing I need to teach my future son is to respect women.
Wow, this is incredible! It is so true! I’m not afraid to admit that I pretty much always like to wear skirts and dresses, and that sometimes they’re a little short. But, that doesn’t mean I’m “easy,” “a slut,” “a tease,” or that my short skirt is an invitation. My outfit has nothing to do with whether or not I’m attracted to someone. My dresses don’t mean “yes.” Still, this is always a fear of mine because I know that if I ever were assaulted, my small skirt would most likely be used against me in a courtroom. And that’s just ridiculous.
Great article, I’d like to see more information about the dangers of drinking though, i.e. watch your cup to make sure no one has added anything to it, or don’t drink with strangers/at a stranger’s house. Drinking (for anyone, anywhere wearing anything) is dangerous enough on its own and sadly can make anyone vulnerable.
But the point is that even if a girl decides to drink, why should she have to watch her cup? Why do we have to teach girls this? Why don’t we teach boys that it is NOT okay to roofie a girl and rape her. Because it doesn’t matter if she was drunk as sh*t. When a girl drinks (even if it’s a bad decision), she isn’t asking men to rape her.
Great article!! You spoke from your heart. I just shared this article with a friend that went trough a ugly situation with a boy, and she feels a lot better after reading this. (So do I)
I think people,in my personal experience mostly men/boys, underestimate how girls and women feel after such assaults, and don’t understand how vulnerable we can feel after and during these experiences, because for them ”it was nothing”.
I also suffered from an abuse when i was only 14, and i remember clearly the few people i told at the time (friends) didn’t see it as something serious, because of the fact i wasn’t raped. I was also asked what did I do for that to happen? My answer was that i said No, and that No was worth nothing at the time. Of course i didn’t report it. Now i understand that is does mean something, it does mark you and for all of these years i have tried to understand why i was feeling that way if it was ”nothing. I finally came to the conclusion, IT WAS SOMETHING.
Thank you so much for posting this article! Victim blaming is one of those topics that isn’t talked about enough but it has an impact on everyone, even people who have never been assaulted.
This was great. Why aren’t we teaching boys to NOT rape instead of teaching girls how to protect themselves against something that is out of their control?
Thank you for sharing this article. So many women and men are so ashamed or frightened to report sexual assault. Its so important for them to know it is not their fault. I truly believe this article will help someone out there and hopefully turn a victim into a survivor.
what a great article, it’s all so unfortunately true – that somehow a victims way of dress, alcohol consumption or sexual history is in some way relevant to prosecuting their rapist/attacker; the simple fact that this monster made the conscious decision too victimize and violate an innocent person for some reason, becomes defendable – when there is never a situation in which it is – if someone says no, thats it, they mean no. There is NO excuse for rape or sexual abuse
This was a really great article to read. Very accurate and enlightened. As a law student I was constantly warned about the dangers of over-victimizing someone during a trial, but I never heard the opposite argument and that keeps striking me as outrageous. A woman is constantly judged by the way she acts, dresses even smiles while society looks for a valid excuse for the aggressor. Guess what? There isn’t one. There’s no excuse for the aggressor and there’s definitely no excuse for a society that operates under the “boys will be boys” motto. Great article. I’m sharing it