It finally happened, you guys. America’s Royal Highness got hitched and we got a front row pass to all of the tears, break downs and freak outs that occurred behind the scene.
For the purpose of our sanity, from here on out Kris Humphries will be referred to as Kris and Kris Jenner referred to as Mom. Kris is our Mom now, Gigglers. How does that make you feel? I’m feeling very product dealish. I think it’s only a matter of time before she finds out she’s my Internet Mom and approaches me with a fragrance idea. Hint: it’s just Febreeze and patchouli mixed into a delightful glass bottle.
Not one for waiting for what she wants, Kim decides to tell her mother that she is getting married in 90 days, instead of waiting a year as they had originally planned. Why? Kris Humphries informs Mom that it’s because Kim is in her prime, and wants her pictures to look good because the photos are forever. Kim Kardashian is going to look good FOR LIFE. Her appearance is her talent. I’m sure the real reason has absolutely nothing to do with E! Entertainment wanting to air the wedding as soon as possible.
Mom is upset that she has developed a little loose skin around her jaw area, and admits that she wants a face lift before the upcoming wedding.
This is a pretty bizarre way of thinking, because Mom’s face is all over every network and magazine constantly — it’s not as if the wedding will reach a larger audience than she is usually surrounded by.
The Kardashian/Jenner clan gather in the back yard to discuss details of the Fairytale Wedding, when Khloe calls Kris Frankie after he gets a little sassy with her. “Do you know why I call you Frankie? Because you remind me of a glimpse of Frankenstein. What you’re going to learn really fast in this family is that the men have no say whatsoever.”
Bruce nods agreeably at this message.
Kim later reveals wants to put this:
into a crate.
Here’s the thing: dogs can learn to love crates. If your dog was raised to sleep in a crate at night, he will take all of his little naps and cuddle up for the night inside of that crate and you never even have to lock the door anymore. Why? I don’t know. I think it replicates den-like situation for their adorable little brains.
But you don’t tell a man what to do with his dogs. You don’t tell anyone what to do with their dogs. If someone ever tried to tell me how to care for my daught– I mean, dogs, I would stuff their orifices full of Snausages and tell them to have a good day. I only include the last part because I am very polite, ladylike, mature and generally wonderful.
While picking out delicate China (read: expensive plates) for their wedding registry, Kim calls Kris to yell at him for being late. When Kris arrives, Kim informs him that Mom had already been waiting for 45 minutes.
“I was going to be here for 15 minutes before you, and I went to eat because you were still at home when I called you.” “I was counting on you to be on time.”
So not only was Kim also late, but she had planned on being late and had planned on Kris being the one who was on time. The hypocrisy is astounding and one of the reasons I earnestly love Kim.
The process to pick out silverware and dishes is a jaw dropping pain stake.
“I would feel weird putting this in my mouth,” Kris says as he picks up a fork. Can you imagine putting that much effort into picking out forks? Because I can’t. You know how my mother got her last batch of silverware? She went to Ocean State Job Lot, a chain discount store in New England, and bought all of the discounted monogrammed forks that were engraved with a Z, Q, and U — all uncommon surname initials that were left over due to the lack of Zinowskis and Uranguoays in the world. And that’s how you get the silverware picked out when you’re part of the 99% #OccupySilverware
I just wanted to put this picture of Kim Kardashian eating string cheese here.
I eat string cheese, too! It’s like, where do the similarities between me and Kim Kardashian even end? How can people tell us apart?
Mom has decided to go through with her facelift because the aging process is totally gross! Ew! Just kidding, but she looks great and it wasn’t really necessary.
In the waiting room, she begins to cry. This is kind of cool because we get to see her without her signature heavy eye make up. A Kardashian without make up is like a rare Pokemon or a unicorn.
Robert has a big butt while comforting his mother
Mom goes under with no complications and –
Oh god, her chin skin.
IS SHE GIVING BIRTH TO SOMETHING? IS HER FACE GIVING BIRTH?
Granted, I’m not a doctor, but I know a brain when I see one. That’s a brain. Mom has a brain in her chin.
“You look gorgeous,” Kim tells her mother as Mom lies in bed with bloody drainage situations hanging out on either side of her head. That is one good daughter.
Kris picks up his friend. The conversation meanders its way to the issue that is Kris getting a little mouthy in a family where the women are always right.
The only thing I care about is the monogrammed head rests. Whose car is he driving? Is Kris so cheap that when he bought a used car, he decided to leave Don Rickle’s personal touches intact?
At the beautiful yet simplistic (for the Kardashians) engagement party, which is held at Khloe and Lamar’s house, tensions run high between Khloe and Kris even during the toast to the future bride and groom.
When Kris walks out onto the veranda which holds Khloe and her friend, his original intentions are to thank Khloe for hosting the party. Instead, he feels the need to tell her that he knows when he is being spoken ill of, and their expressions when he walked through the door reflected that.
Khloe denies talking behind his back, but admits she has reservations about his intentions. Kim is better than a trophy wife: she has her own money, an amazing work ethic and (according to Khloe…) a great personality. She tells Kris that he has nothing to lose if they get married and then divorced, he can only gain from the situation. Khloe then points out that Kim falls in love hard and often.
This understandably angers Kris, who delivers the only intelligent sentiment I have ever seen him deliver when he points out the fact that Khloe should believe in his love if he’s willing to marry a girl who is known to fall in love so often that her nickname is Elizabeth Taylor.
Fresh out of the hospital recovery center after having her face rearranged, tightened and nipped, Mom invites her family over for the great unveiling of her new face!
Which looks exactly like her old face!
She looks absolutely gorgeous, but at some point she has to admit that the aging process is going to find her some way or another. You can’t hide from winkles forever, y’all.
Khloe visits her mother in the office to discuss the issue of protecting the Kardashian brand. If things go sour between Kris and Kim, apparently the whole Kardashian brand will be affected. While Khloe is nervous about her sister’s future with Kris, she’s obviously just as worried about her own financial future. Get it, girl. I bet your business oriented mother is actually super proud.
Mom immediately dials the people in charge of the prenuptials and is informed that they have not been signed by neither Kris nor Kim. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of Kim making a huge mistake.
Via Skype, Kris sits in on a wedding planning sesh with Kim and her entourage.
“I was thinking black, white and sparkles,” Kim tells him.
He responds that he was thinking about a casino theme. He doesn’t go into detail about what that exactly entails, but I believe he means he wants to invite a lot of elderly people on oxygen to sit at slot machines while other people walk around smelling like debt, desperation and stale cigarettes.
The kids decide to cook dinner for Mom to show how much they appreciate her, after it was revealed that she felt a little miffed that only Kim visited her in the hospital while she was recovering from surgery.
I bet Khloe commissioned this cake.
They even made her a scrapbook.
Kris, glancing through the photos, remarks that the girls all “had mustaches when they were little.”
Keep the good comments comin’, Kris! You’re doing great! Also, newsflash: if you think your wife hasn’t been lasered beyond belief, you don’t know anything about women. She’s a mammal, bro. Mammals have hair.
Later, at their home, Rob reveals that he went HAM on a cheeseburger, fries and some coffee cake at 3 in the morning. I feel you, Rob. I had a riveting conversation with a breakfast burrito at 1 in the morning last night.
“The coffee cakes have been my number one go-to,” he says in regards to being a junk food junkie.
The weight criticism continues the next day at the wedding cake tasting. Khloe admits that she would normally not be the one to criticize someone’s weight, seeing as she is known in the family for being the “fat, chubby one,” but she’s worried about Rob’s health.
To catch Rob in the act of sneaking late night junk food, Khloe installs an alarm on her pantry door. Sure enough, later that night, the alarm goes off and we see this:
Rob, sitting on the pantry floor in a basket seat, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and boxer briefs, with a bag of chips sadly sitting in his lap. This is like, Lifetime Original Movie sad.
Because Rob feels like his junk food addiction stems from living with a couple of junkies themselves, he decides to move in with Scott, Kourt and Mason to partake in the snacking of items like Kourtney’s Kale Krunchies instead of Cheetos.
He also gives kisses to Mason, melting hearts everywhere.
Not even a week of healthy living later, he tells Scott that he needs a junk food fix. After ordering enough Taco Bell for a high school football team, Rob says, “Honestly, eating tacos is so awesome, it’s like, the best experience.” Oh, word, boy. WORD.
Scott even offers to hold the wheel so as to allow a clearer passage for the taco to make its way into Rob’s mouth.
This isn’t safe driving, but it does give way to optimal taco:mouth ratio.
Realizing that the problem of his carb loading ways doesn’t lie within who he lives with, but rather himself, Rob moves back in with Khloe and Lamar, the latter of whom greats him with hugs and farts. Yeah.
Kim and Khloe get into a little tiff over the negative comments Khloe made to Kris regarding his upcoming marriage. I wish I could give you witty insight on the argument, but iTunes completely cuts the fight out, and so I was only left with a 4 second “previously on…” clip when starting hour 3 of the Fairytale Wedding.
What I gather is that they argued. It was probably full of a lot of eye rolling and hair flipping, Khloe most likely insisted she was right and Kim stormed out.
Kim has gone full on wedding postal at this point, as evidenced by the face she makes as she enters Vera Wang’s boutique for her second dress fitting.
Listen, I’m not one to negatively comment on another person’s body. For all I know, Vera Wang is naturally that thin. Yet I see her arms, and I am compelled to shove a cheeseburger down her throat or, if she’s vegan, at least a veggie bean burger with a cheese substitute.
Though gorgeous, the lady looks straight up frail, like her bones are going to collapse at any moment, leaving nothing but the essence of a brilliant designer in its wake.
Khloe visits Mom to admit that she feels like she flubbed big time by trying to be too honest. Mom advises her that one can never be too honest, which I don’t agree with, but I’m poor and they’re rich, so I guess they’re right.
Khloe was meant to throw the bachelorette party, but seeing as Kim actually disinvited her to the wedding, she sends her mother to the sex store to get the appropriate decorations and gift bag swag.
This is Bruce’s expression over hearing the words “sex store.”
When Mom drags Bruce to said store of sex, this is his get up so as to not get recognized.
What is with celebrities thinking baseball caps and sunglasses inside buildings make them less noticeable? I recently saw Kevin Bacon at Logan Airport, and the only reason I didn’t glance right over him like every other average looking middle aged dude was because he was dressed in black pants, black shirt, black jacket, black shoes, black baseball cap and black sunglasses. Indoors. In the summer.
While sitting in a Boys and Girls Club classroom, Kris tells Kim that he never wants her to get plastic surgery. Which, er, someone needs to Google “Kim Kardashian’s old nose”.
Later, while packing for their Las Vegas trips for their bachelor and bachelorette parties, Kim reveals that she plans on changing her last name to Humphries to honor her traditional husband. In response, her traditional husband touches her butt and traditionally tells her that her butt is sweaty.
“I’ve been packing!” she exclaims.
Those of you who have kept up with my reviews know that I love any and all of Kim Kardashian’s physical flaws because they are so far and few between. She is nearly flawless. Yet here we see that she too suffers from the dreaded swamp ass. Amazing. It’s like she’s almost human.
Upon watching the groups arrive in Vegas, I literally gasped and the murmured, “Oh my God,” as I watched Lamar walk around the hotels.
I’ve never seen a man look so badass in my life. God bless the dude.
At the wedding party, or bridal shower, or oh my God, I don’t even know — there are so many freakin’ parties for this wedding — Mom overhears Kim tell Serena Williams that she is planning on ditching her maiden name. In a panic, she escorts Kim to a private room where she proceeds to tell her what a horrible idea that really is.
Kim, understandably upset that her mother is lecturing her during her own party, storms out as Mom yells behind her, “Britney Spears didn’t change her last name!”
Moms are Moms forever, aren’t they? This reminds me of every time I got into an argument with my mother. “Tina never speaks to her mother like that!” What is it with parents constantly pitting their children against their own friends?
After allowing a few days to cool down, Mom calls Kim into the office to show her the mock ups she has made for joke products that could be associated with the new possible last name. Such products include a Hump Rope, to get your bottom into shape, and Hump Fragrance. “Spray Hump after taking a dump,” Kim muses.
Though annoyed, she sees her mother’s point. Humphries just isn’t a profitable last name, especially when her entire financial empire is built upon the alliteration of her family.
She takes this information to Kris, who is understandably upset that she has changed her mind over what he deems such an important issue. They leave the argument unresolved. Even while at their rehearsal dinner, they exchange harsh words through false grins.
The atmosphere at the actual rehearsal is uncomfortably palpable, mostly because of the argument between the future bride and groom, but partly because of Kris’ pedophile gym teacher’s mustache.
My absolute favorite part of this 4 hour special (4. Hours. Four hours. I’m in college, you guys! I have real homework! Why am I doing this!) is Rob’s outfit for the wedding rehearsal.
There he is, on the right, in sweats. He doesn’t change out of it for the rehearsal dinner, either.
Nothing made me laugh more this whole Kardashian Event, but I’m also a little worried that he’s severely depressed or something.
Luckily, the boy cleans up nicely.
So nicely that the sisters are reminded of their late father, Robert Kardashian Sr.
To honor her father, Kim has decided to take one of his shirts, cut a heart from it, and sew it into the inside of her wedding dress near her own heart. Bruce brings some of Kim’s father’s clothing out of storage for her to sort through.
Between wedding planning, the arguments between her and Kris and sorting through the memories of her father, the stress finally gets to Kim and she cries on Bruce’s shoulder. She misses her father and is sad that he is not there to celebrate such an important part of her life.
Bruce, the world champion of all Olympics and Step Dad duties, comforts Kimmie by telling her that he is going to get her down that aisle, expensive diamonds and all.
Later, Bruce walks into Mom’s office where she tells him that Kylie is a really smart girl. Apparently, she wants to go on a family vacation to Hawaii but Mom informs her that it is too expensive. Recent Bora Bora trip aside, we’ll pretend that’s true. She then explains that Kylie is so smart because she found this new website called LivingSocial.com, where she got the vacation for 50% off.
This is a barfingly placed product deal on Mom’s part. I’m actually really disappointed she would sink to such obvious levels. Come on, lady. You turned your own incontinence problem into a product deal for urine panty liners. That is your level of business talent and you come at us, your beloved audience, with this?
I just thought you guys would appreciate this picture of Kim’s finger knuckle deep into her nose while getting her make up done for the ceremony.
Mom’s dress might be the most fabulous thing I’ve ever seen, aside from Mason’s general lifestyle, of course.
Before I actually saw Kim as a bride, I thought that perhaps she would not come across as breath-taking. She is so beautiful anyway, and is always dressed to the nines with a constant face of elaborate make up to match. That leaves nothing special for the wedding day.
I was wrong, of course. She is stunning. Physical perfection dripping in diamonds and lace.
Kourtney escorts Mason who is acting as the little ring bearer.
He adorably and successfully runs down the aisle on his newly found legs, is then picked up by his loving mother who has been walking for nearly 3 decades longer than he, and… she stumbles.
The reactions in the audience are priceless.
Before walking down the aisle, Bruce tries to give Kim a little heart-felt speech. She snaps at him, saying she can’t cry right now, she just wants to make it down the aisle.
On one hand, I get it. There are dozens of cameras, hundreds of people and Sugar Ray Leonards all around her. She doesn’t want that runny mascara look, even if it means missing out on encouraging words from the man walking her down the aisle.
But then the Pastor, who Kris flew in (I wonder how Pastor Brad feels about this?), tells Kim, in front of the entire venue, that he knows her father is looking down on her from Heaven.
Kim then shoots a look that seems to say, “Dude, I will end you if you dare make me feel emotion during this very beautiful and elegant moment that is meant for pictures, product placement and cash money.”
Just look at that side eye!
All in all, everything about the wedding was aesthetic perfection.
From the bridge to the black and white carpet, nothing was out of place. I know money can’t buy everything, but it can buy 3 wedding dresses and a crapload of diamonds, and that’s good enough for me.
Was it as good for you as it was for me, Gigglers? And by that, I’m asking if we are all super behind on homework because we just dedicated hours upon hours watching, screen capping and then writing about the Kardashians?
Because my professors are going to kill me.
Worth it! (?)