The concept of “self-esteem” is a seriously in-depth conversation, but it is also one that seems to fall by the wayside among human beings. I am not a parent, I will start this conversation off by saying that much, but I do have an ever-deepening interest in the concept of confidence within children, for it affects us so very much as adults.
I am an extremely confident young woman, and I was an extremely confident young girl, and I was an extremely confident child. I joke that it is because I am a Leo, but to be honest, I am not entirely sure where my confidence all stems from. The other characteristic I identify with, almost as strongly as my pride of self, is my realism. Yes, I think I am awesome, but no, I do not think I am awesome at everything. Can I sing and dance? Nah, but I still will when the good jams come on, let’s be real. Can I draw you a picture? Nope. Do I believe I could run for President of the United States of America, and even potentially succeed in earning that title? ABsolutely not.
Why is that? Because my voice is not strong enough to sing you a song. Because I have natural rhythm, but I cannot dance like a Fly Girl, nor can I swing my hips in a salsa dance way, nor can I even pretend like I know where my feet or hands go, ever. Because I just cannot draw, I just cannot do it. Because I am not smart enough to be President of the United States of America, not to mention I do not have the money, the drive, or the interest in doing so.
My generation was told that we could do anything we want to do, that we could be anything that we would like to be. Is there danger in this mindset, though? Is there danger in fluffing your children up to believe that they are the best of the best? No one is the best of the best, not in all aspects of life. It is impossible, not to mention undesirable, to dominate at everything life has to hand you.
There are mathematical thinkers, and there are artists, and sometimes someone can dip into both, but oftentimes, you will not excel at everything. As a parent, is it damaging to not let your child’s feelings get hurt from time to time, by telling them that they are not always going to be great at everything they do?
The Wall Street Journal recently published an article, written by Sue Shellenbarger, that explores the idea of ”overpraising a child.” The balance of making sure your child knows he or she is incredible, and important, and successful and keeping your child humble seems to be a real struggle for many parents. How does one successfully encourage confidence in a young person without pumping up their ego to the point of arrogance? Can that balance even be controlled?
So much thought goes into raising a little human being, and as aforementioned, I do not have children so I admittedly do not know the right answer here, nor do I believe in there ever being a “right” or “wrong” answer to most of life’s problems. However, I can speak from my personal experiences, and reflect on what I believe went right and what went wrong in my own personal life.
Psychologists are recently discovering that it is “good” for kids to have low self-esteem, preferably temporarily, at some point in their lives because it builds a realistic vision of themselves, which allows for resilience.
And ahh, this I do believe: life is all about resilience.
What´s perfect anyway.
I believe realism is definitely the way to go. While the truth is sometimes hard to bear, dealing with it as early as possible and creating a realistic world in which children can thrive now and as adults, is crucial. Somebody else is bound to come along and crush their spirit with the reality about their soprano or their triple axel.
I have an example of something I experienced as a senior in college: I took my Critical Literary Theory class, received excellent grades and excellent feedback from my professor, and left the class with an A. Moreover, my professor nominated me for UNH’s Edmund Miller Prize for an Exceptional Essay in a Literature Course, which I won. I dared to feel good about myself. I’d always planned to go onto graduate school and planned to apply the fall after graduation. This professor offered his help and advice, so we met for coffee one day. It was at this point that he told me the truth. Yes, I was the smartest person in his class and he wanted to thank me for making it interesting, but in truth I was pretty average. In fact, the essay for which I won a prize was “shit.” Imagine that in a Russian accent. I was pretty devastated and nearly two years later, guess who’s still working at the office she’s been at for almost 8 years? This girl. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with everything my professor told me that day; I know he did it out of “kindness,” and it was not meant to discourage me from going to graduate school, but to show me just how much harder I had to work. The point is, I almost wish he had pushed me harder in the first place, instead of pumping me up with false hope. I almost wished he’d been like my Freshman Literary Theory professor who was the only one who gave me a C+ instead of an A like every other Literature and History professor. That C+ pushed me to strive for those As later in my college career, whereas the professor who nominated me for a literature prize was the one who destroyed my self-esteem in the space of an hour.
I’m a pretty self-deprecating person anyhow, so I’d rather get it straight than allow myself to feel false confidence. Had this professor been realistic with me from the start, I would have made it to graduate school in spite of him. I would have earned that essay prize instead of being the only person who was nominated for it and winning it by default, as he felt the need to tell me. Instead, I feel as though he undermined all the hard work I had put into my college career.
While this example is quite personal, I feel as though it does demonstrate the negative effects that plush parenting or advising or teaching can bring about. I am now at the point where I can begin to rebuild my motivation and determination, and I am applying to graduate programs this fall, but it’s taken a while and I regret that time lost. I think we are doing children a favor by reinforcing their talents with positive and realistic feedback; by the same token, their failures should not be excused or falsely idealized. If a child is bad at drawing but wants to be an artist, tell him/her he/she will have to work his/her a** off to get there, but if he/she does make it, it will be all the sweeter. Don’t tell children they can do anything only to have them fall even harder when they fail. It won’t do them any favors.
It’s like you’re in my head! I can’t tell you how many people I’ve probably ticked off by sharing this exact sentiment. Great job (I know you worked hard on this article, and it has paid off)!
Thank you! And thanks for the compliment! Well said!
Our mom always went out of her way to compliment us on things we could control. Of course, I didn’t realize she was doing it until she told me recently, but she was very careful about it. She praised hard work, generosity, being nice to each other, etc. We grew up being very aware of what we were good at even when it was different from our siblings. For example, I’ve always been a good writer and speaker but am really awkward with kids, whereas my brother hates writing but is essentially a baby whisperer. Our sister is more artistic than either of us, but we’re more comfortable with new people. I’ve always been aware of how unique we each are and of how we complement each other and of how we rely on others to “fill the gaps” where we just aren’t good at something. It’s made my siblings and I very confident, very comfortable with being individuals, and good at placing stock in qualities that aren’t related to our looks or societal expectations. My mom said it was the best parenting advice she ever got!
I think the most important thing is to learn that you have an inherent value because you are a living being and need to be treated like this but that there is always room for improvement and that humans never stop learning as long as they live. The hardest thing is to reflect about yourself and your actions on a regular basis without falling into obsessive self-doubt. As a teacher, on the other hand, I have to say that excessive praising can lead to very delusional self-images and that many children are simply not able to deal with throwbacks if they aren’t told that everyone makes mistakes but that it is okay to make mistakes because you can learn from them. Maybe it would help to them that the worth of a person is not connected to their achievements, that every person something great about them but that everyone has very different talents and that failing is okay and doesn’t make you less worthy.
Fuck it. I’mma just go ahead and tell you you’re really great, and so is this article. It is so great seeing how hard you worked writing it, because it paid off. Congratulations! (Not to be over-confident but I think I nailed this comment.)
Aww, I’m sorry we’re not allowed to heart comments anymore… Here’s one anyway: <3