Recent events (your concert and full relistening of your entire catalog) has convinced me of something: I think we should be best friends. Hear me out. I know everyone out there wants to be your best friend, but I really think we’d have some stuff in common.
You’re a Texan girl? Perfect. I’m also from the South. Sure, Southern California and Southern America might be different, but I’ve seen enough Friday Night Lights to know I could hold my own with a fake southern accent. I’m actually more Texan than you might realize. I love Sonic, Chick-Fil-A and grits. Ya’ll, I’m real Southern.
Like you, I’ve recently made a bold, life-changing move in my life – bangs. It’s completely revolutionized the way I see things. I feel like I can conquer anything, now that I’ve finally conquered finding the right hair style for me.
I’m a tour guide at a movie studio. Okay, this one doesn’t seem like it’s something that we have in common, but look at it this way: people pay lots of money to listen to you, a celebrity, in concert, while people pay lots of money not listen to me and just look for celebrities.
Girl, I’m just gonna say it. At your LA concert, you tripped a little bit in front of thousands of people (but totally played it off, I’m sure no one noticed [I’m a very supportive bestie]). I’ve never actually stood in front of thousands of people so I have no idea what the feels like, but when I was in high school I feel in front of three really cute football players and I have to assume it feels the same.
Do you like to read? I just bought the first Harry Potter book, which tells you two things – I love to read and I’m kind of a trendsetter for my generation. A lot of times, the media likes to pick on people in the spotlight for things like being single or not having a kid. In my case, I don’t have the media, but I do have my Grandma to give me a hard time about it, so I feel your pain. We’re young, independent women, focused on our careers and we all know babies can’t be raised on a tour bus (or in my case, a tour cart).
Which reminds me – tours. You do national and world tours, I do 110-acre tours. Smaller? Sure. But I do three of those tours a day. Trust me, I worry about losing my voice just as much as you do. Maybe we can trade tea and honey recipes?
Now look, I’m no fool. I’m sure you hear stuff like this all the time, so let me tell you what I’m bringing to the friendship table (which, btw, always serves sweet tea):
How do you feel about Disneyland? Not to brag, but I’m sort of a Disneyland aficionado. Looking for a hidden Mickey? Check Indiana Jones’ office in the Indiana Jones ride. What about a bullet hole from a acid-tripping guy in the ’70s? Haunted Mansion. Plus, I get free parking, so you could spend your $15 elsewhere – like on some Dole Whip.
How many people do you know that can sing every word to Evita or Legally Blonde: The Musical?
Do you like cupcakes? Trick question. Every one likes cupcakes. I’m awesome at cupcakes. Margarita cupcakes. Or even just margaritas. I’m great at both of those things.
You have a lot to think about, I know. So let’s start slow. Maybe just hang out, watch some old episodes of Reba, do some Pinterest crafts and build a friendship.
You know where to find me.
By Kim Moffat.
Featured image via.