Our beloveds are still on vacation in Bora Bora this week. We open with Rob explaining that his lack of a career is really bumming him out, brah. The constant jabs from his family, friends and foes are starting to get on his last nerve.
Trying to play the role of a big brother, Scott offers up advice. He explains that he’s taking meetings while on the family vacation because “money never sleeps”.
I received an insider tip that this scene was edited too hastily, because what he really said was “money never sleeps, but you can sleep with it, get it pregnant and then latch on to its family and their implied promise of a weekly paycheck.”
After hearing one negative comment too many from Kim, Rob snaps and calls her a whore.
He admits to the camera that he was using all of he emotional ammo he had access to. Anything that he knew would hurt his sister he said without hesitation.
Kourtney responds by checking her milk.
Mama Kris has a heart to heart with her son that just results in everyone crying. Rob is crying, Kris is crying and I am crying.
In a shakey voice, Rob explains that he is angry that he does not have a career and that he doesn’t mean to lash out on others. He wanted to be a lawyer like his father, but now he feels as if it’s too late. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life and it’s scary. It can be a terrifying experience when your future looks like an endless, black infinity that may be lined with mediocrity if you can’t find your niche. Okay, I might be projecting a little on that last one.
He is the saddest tan man in rainbow board shorts in the entire world.
Like nearly every single mother in the Universe, Kris turns her child’s crisis into an opportunity to guilt trip.
“The worst thing as a mother, honestly, is seeing you unhappy,” she says tearfully.
And so Rob comforts her.
Hold the phone. Right about here:
Is when I realize that 60% of Humphries’ stupidity is his hair. Don’t believe me?
Upon Bieberization, Kris immediately looks… slightly less dumb. Science! Olé!
Annoyed that Scott, an alcoholic, has started to drink again under the excuse that he just wants to relax and socialize, Kourt takes him aside and explains in no uncertain terms that if he were to get half as out of control as he was in Miami, the relationship would be over. The conversation turns into an argument and the argument turns into a long, drawn out blow out that cumulates in front of Humphries.
Kourtney calls Scott a loser and Scott responds with a string of f-bombs as he walks out of the room.
Kris H. is shocked.
“What was that?” Asks Humphries.
“His pet peeve is when you call him a loser.”
“Wait, so knowing that, you still call him a loser?”
Kourtney just eats more Pringles, unfazed by everything except that delicious canned sodium.
At their vow renewal ceremony, Bruce presents his wife of 20 years with something very sentimental and subtle. You know, from the heart; a bajillion dollar diamond set in gold:
Seeing the Jenners renew their vows puts a wacky, crazy idea into Humphries’ head, a momentous occasion in and of itself. There’s usually not much going on up there.
Humphries takes Bruce golfing, and like a big brother pats his kid brother on the back, clasps one giant human hand onto Jenner’s normal sized body:
“I want to ask you if I could marry Kim.”
Spoiler alert for those living under a rock the size of Kris Jenner’s diamond: they get married.
They head back home to tell Mrs. Jenner. Upon hearing the news that her daughter is getting
her very own E! special married, Mama Kris starts to cry out of sheer joy and immediately starts to help Humphries plan this proposal.
“I know Miss Jenner loves to be apart of special moments and stuff ike that, so I’m going to let her help out a little bit,” Kris H. tells the camera.
Oh, no honey. Kris Jenner is going to let you help out a little bit. The woman is a mogul and moguls get things done.
Later at Kim’s house, Humphries tells Kim that if she loves him, she will eat the food that he has in his mouth. And you know what?
That dude baby-birded masticated food right into her mouth! I’m partially disgusted, but mostly shocked Kim would do something in front of cameras that she knows is perceived as gross. Maybe Kris is good for her.
Our old faux-friend Jonathan is back and on his return flight home he is supposed to bring the ring Humphries picked for his soon to be fiancée. Unfortunately, there is a problem. The stone is so expensive that they wouldn’t insure the piece of jewelry.
Jonathan explains that the ring is on its way but it is in a Brinks truck and had to delivered to a business due to its value. What business did he have it sent to? Dash, of course! The store that everyone who is not supposed to know about the ring owns! Smart move, brah.
When Kris arrives at the store, Brinks has already come and gone. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, Khloe signed for the package. When she asks what it is, Kris mentally grasps wildly in the air and comes up with,
“The checks I ordered.”
“Mom, it says it’s 2 million dollars.”
Caught in her poorly constructed lie, Kris panics and then tells Khloe that she can’t tell her what it is because it is a surprise from Lamar and he would be angry if she revealed the contents. Realizing her mistake of giving her daughter a false sense of an upcoming surprise, she begins to back track and say it has nothing to do with her.
Exasperated, Khloe falls to the floor in a lifeless heap.
Glad to know I’m not the only one who does so after trying to get a straight answer from their mother.
On the day of the night Kris is meant to propose, the couple get into an argument. Kim Kardashian wants to buy Avril Lavigne’s house and suggests they buy it together because it is “very expensive.”
Kim Kardashian doesn’t have Avril Lavigne money? Is that what’s going on? Why can’t she afford it alone? In what world has Avril ever made more money than Kim? Why’d she have to go and make things so complicated?
Kris informs Kim that he has his finances planned for the future, and that she can’t change those plans, something that expensive just won’t do. Kim counters that she can’t deal with “down grading” her life style any more than it is now, it just “isn’t worth it” to her.
“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little,” Kris appropriately responds.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that you should do whatever you want with your money. If I had Kardashian money, you bet I would buy a Kardashian house. There is just something about the way Kim reasons her wants and goals that really sound nauseating.
The disagreeing couple arrive to the family dinner where Kris is meant to pull out the ring and Kim seems surprised to see everyone, including Kris’s sister.
By the way, and yes I am totally bragging, my friend works with Kris’s sister. Not in the same office, physically, but they’ve exchanged e-mails. Bible.
After Kris J gives him the knowing side eye for the entire dinner, Kris finally stands up and…
He later explains that he just wants to be in higher spirits for the proposal. The fight they had early? It didn’t exactly brighten Kim’s mood.
How he does propose, though, turns out to be incredibly sweet.
I’m shocked. Who knew he had it in him.
It’s simple, and classy and personal. Why he ever chose flower petals after she expressed anxiety over flower petals on her bed in Bora Bora is beyond me but he’s a millionaire and I’m not so I don’t really have a valid argument. That’s how opinions work, right? The more money you have, the more you get to say?
As we hear heels click-clacking down the hallway, Kris takes a knee.
Finally, Kim opens the door.
She smiles and gives a simple, yet pleasant, “yes” as she walks into his embrace. I mean, where are the theatrics? At the very least, you think her voice would get a little bit louder? No? Gonna stay the same pitch and volume? That’s fine.
I guess I too would be left speechless if I knew I had to carry around such a heavy piece of rock forever.
She does get more excited the more and more she looks at her new ring. Sounding poetic as ever, she states, and I quote, “Oh my God. Oh my gosh. Oh my God.”
Then she and Kris stare in the mirror for awhile.
Is that what pretty couples do when they’re happy? Do they just stare in the mirror and look at how pretty they are together? I bet it’s super effective. I’m not knocking it at all.
Because Humphries joked about having miniature horses at his wedding, Kris Jenner orders a few for the dinner.
It is a little hard to hate on a guy who loves on mini horses. I can see what Kim sees in him.
And that’s it until October, Kardashianofiles, when they return with a 4 hour special set to air over the course of two nights! Yes, 4 hours. Khloe only got two. And a smaller ring. If you think Kim isn’t taking note of all of that and smiling, you’re sorely mistaken.
(first picture via okmagazine.com)