When we last left America’s Royal Family, Kim was soaking wet and sobbing because she evidently believed it to be a good idea to swim in the ocean with $75,000 diamond earrings dangling from her ear.
Kim immediately rushes to her maternal support. That’s the worst and best thing about moms, man. No matter how overbearing or annoying they may be, they’re always the first you want to rush to when things go awry.
When they leave Kris’s bungalow to search for the oceanic diamonds, Kourtney calls out from her little hut to ask what’s wrong. Kim explains, and Kourtney replies with the greatest verbal smack down I’ve ever seen, even if it is glaringly grammatically incorrect.
These recaps have essentially just become a place for me to point out Kim’s physical flaws. She is such a perfect looking person that I jump on any imperfection I can find. I know how petty that is. I know how I shouldn’t tear down other women. I know all of these things, but I’m still going to point out that Kim’s hair separates when she pulls it up while it’s still wet! Just like my hair!
HOW DOES THAT FLAW TASTE, KIM? HOW DOES IT TASTE?
Oh, who cares. Look at her. Look at them.
They’re beautiful, like wild flowers, baby ponies and when a bird poops on the person next to you and you don’t get even a little bit on your arm. Plus her little sister found her earring in the ocean. In the freakin’ OCEAN. Kim has everything.
Kris Humphries, with his amazing body and terrible head, has a beer with the guys.
Scott looks like a creature from Lord of the Rings when seated next to Kris. I’ve never read or seen Lord of the Rings, but I’m pretty sure that I’m right.
“I obviously –certain things I don’t care about, so I’ll let her do her thing, but other things it’s like, it’s gotta go my way on certain things.” So eloquently put, Humphries.
Later, Kim leaves Inglebert Humphriedink to eat lunch with Mama Kris, who is the most intimidating figure I’ve ever seen eat a light lunch.
SPECIAL MID-REVIEW MASON UPDATE:
MASON IS STILL ADORABLE.
While sitting by the water, Scott makes a comment about the big ship, which he calls a tanker, out at sea.
Mama Kris immediately assumes that Scott is talking about her, and becomes incredibly offended over being called a tanker.
The mix up is funny but sad, because you can tell the comment hurts Kris. I totally relate to having an ego so big that you assume every insult is about you. Once, a friend of mine friend spoke offensively and hilariously about cognitively challenged people, and I responded to her two minute diatribe with a hurt filled, “Wait, you really think that about me?”
“What? No! Caragh. Are you kidding me? I was talking about people with Downs Syndrome.”
I get u, Kris. I get u.
Rob and Scott squash their feud over beers.
Rob tells Scott that he doesn’t have to drink to kick back with him, to which Scott replies that he isn’t drinking to fit in, he’s just drinking for a beer.That is definitely not a sign of a relapsing alcoholic, not even one bit.
Bruce surprises Kris with a ceremony to renew their wedding vows. However, self conscious Kris will only agree to such an event if everyone promises not to post pictures of the ceremony anywhere.
When asked if she wants pictures of the ceremony on her wall, Kourtney twirls her hair and apathetically replies, “I don’t like photos in my house.”
I strive to be as steely and emotionless as Kourtney every day of my life. How did she get there? Is it a natural born trait, or did she have to train herself every day for years on end?