Though I have no husband to speak of, I do have a close friend who gets angry with me because she has never heard me – and I’m sorry for saying these rude and disgusting words – pass gas. The happiest I’ve ever seen her was when, after weeks of badgering, I finally answered her question of “if you’re not going to do it in front of me, at least tell me the last time you farted.”
“This afternoon.”
The sheer joy and cheer this information brought to her face was almost worth the immediate wave of nausea that hit me as I began to break out in a cold sweat after admitting that I did that sort of thing.

And now I’m writing about it on the Internet.

Over lunch, Kris Jenner tells her daughters that she is not excited about their upcoming trip to Bora Bora because she feels self-conscious in a bathing suit around her daughters. The lady looks great for her age but let’s get real: no one in the world would expect her to look 25 whilst in a bikini. Come on. She’s no Kim Kardashian.

Always one for fashion, Kourtney matches her eye shadow to her Iceberg Lettuce.

Because Kris is a role model to young girls everywhere who would like to become a mogul manager just like her, she decides to combat her low self-esteem with the best solution around: plastic surgery!

When she asks a woman in the waiting room if she was a patient of the same doctor, the woman responded in the affirmative. Kris follows up by asking her what she had done.

“My breasts.”

That’s it. That’s all the woman confessed. I don’t know, maybe she was honest. Maybe E! had to cut the rest of the lengthy list short to make time.

Despite being a straight woman, I got a total boner when I saw Kim in this long, striped dress.

How is she even a real person? How can a person like that not be seriously flawed? All this chick has for flaws is the inability to dance and occasional psoriasis. Also, little to no personality to speak of.

I hate being judgmental (that’s what I say to make myself feel better about constantly being judgmental) but Kris Humphries has just about the worst head I’ve ever seen in my life. I paused the show at just this moment:

And audibly, and without meaning to, made a noise that sounded like “pughggh.”

The first thing Kim does in Bora Bora is claim that she is going to have a panic attack because her room is too big and spacious and the beautiful flower petals on the bed are giving her anxiety.

Evidently forgetting the problem of her bedroom being just too big, she and Kris Humphries decide to take a walk along their little pier.

First they play fight, threatening to push each other in.

Then she jumps in herself.

Then Kris throws her in.

Which results in these tears:

You see, when Kris threw her in, she lost her earring.

That sucks, you must be thinking to yourself, just like I did. I once lost the stone to my ring in the waters of Martha’s Vineyard when I jumped off a bridge. I’ll always remember the way my heart sank when I looked down and noticed the gold claw that usually held that blue stone was now bare. Its fingers were clamped around air and I mourned the loss of my $35 ring my mother bought me on clearance at Marshall’s. To this date, it remains the most expensive ring I’ve ever owned in my life. Bible.

So, I feel you, Kim. I totally relate to you because I lost that low priced ring of mine.

Uh, what.

Girl, you go into the ocean with $75,000 earrings and you blame your boyfriend when they go missing? Girl, do you know what the ocean is? Or do you not know what money is? There is something you are totally not understanding right now, because there is no reason why anyone needs to go into the ocean wearing diamonds.

By the way, Kris’ futile attempt for looking for the missing earring solely consists of kind of putting his face in the water.

$75,000 at stake, and the dude won’t even put his entire head under water to look for the missing diamonds.