Somehow, somewhere, Kris has become ordained to co-officiate the wedding of Pastor Brad, who you may recognize as the Pastor who officiated Khloe and Lamar’s wedding.

After thinking about it, I’ve decided that I dislike Pastor Brad, and here’s a list of reasons why:

• He had part of his hair frosted during Khloe and Lamar’s wedding
• I full believe that he only asked Kris to become ordained because of the perks that inevitably came with it (a mansion to hold the wedding in, a television show to broadcast it).
• He told Kris that it was time for Kourtney and Scott to get married because since “things are going really well for them”, it’s a nice time to take the step. I’ve never officiated any marriages, but I’m pretty sure the quickest way to a divorce is to make the decision to get married when the fact that “things are going really well” for your relationship is out of the ordinary enough to comment on.
• I know I shouldn’t speculate, but Pastor Brad is tripping my gaydar mighty hard and he’s marrying a lady. I feel really sad when people can’t be true to themselves, and I hate feeling any emotion and that’s why this bullet point is on The List of Reasons Why I Hate Pastor Brad.

Kourtney opens the door to greet her mother and immediately insults her sunglasses. “What are those sunglasses?” When only ingested as the written word, that sentence looks completely innocuous, but that’s the power of Kourtney. The words spewed out of her mouth like a sarcasm volcano, coating the entire vicinity in the meanest of lava: Criticism. It is why I love Kourtney.

I can’t believe she would make fun of her mother’s sunglasses when her very own shades were only 18% less ridiculous. That is a very scientific number. I did a lot of math to come up with it, so don’t even try to dispute me.

Khloe appears to be sick, so Bruce stops by to feed her some chicken noodle soup. I think some made it into her mouth, but it turns out Bruce is as clueless about feeding someone as he is about everything else in life, except model airplanes. I digress, the fact that he even made the effort really tugs on my heart strings. If E! came out with his own reality show titled Bruce & His Model Airplanes, and it’s just 22 minutes of Bruce with his model airplanes, I would watch it.

The quick shot of Kim Kardashian’s facial reaction to Kourtney and Kris getting into an argument where F-bombs flew with ferocity is my favorite moment of the series thus far. That is the most evil smirk I have ever seen.

Kris leaves the room and Kim starts in on Kourtney. “My traditions and beliefs match up to hers,” says the once-divorced woman who made money off of the sex tape she made with Brandy’s littlebrother. Did you notice that the only people urging Kourt to put a ring on it are the people who have had failed marriages?

I had to get this screen cap of Kim saying, “Technically, your dog can become an ordained minister,” partly because I don’t understand the point she was trying to make with that sentence but mostly because it was the most I’ve ever seen her face move. Do Kourtney and Kim get Botox or is there just a natural Facial Paralyzation gene that runs through the Kardashian blood that prevents wrinkles? Khloe furrows her brow a lot, which further adds to my suspicion that she has a different father.

Kim and Kourtney have a heart-to-heart while picking out their dresses for Pastor Brad’s. Kourtney reveals that the reason she does not want to marry Scott isn’t because she doesn’t love him, but because of how rocky their relationship was just a few months prior. She doesn’t want Mason to go through a divorce like the Kardashian sisters had to endure. I loved Kourtney in this moment, as it was the first time she’s shown any bit of humanity. Or any bit of emotion at all.

The wedding commences and Pastor Brad wipes away a tear he has shed for all of the Queer Beer Nights at his local club that he will never get to attend. Also, I might have made up “Queer Beer Night”, but if you own a club that has designated gay nights, you can totally steal that from me for a moderate price.

“I don’t usually cry at the weddings I officiate,” Kris says, starting off her speech with a sniffle. Everyone in the room hates Kris at that very moment. Everyone in my room certainly hated Kris at that very moment, too.

I didn’t talk about Kris’ bowtie because I can’t handle talking about Kris’ bowtie.