For weeks I’ve waited in patient anticipation for the arrival of Sunday, June 12. I hope you made a date with your couch that night, because it was the premiere of the sixth season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the very first episode of Ice Loves Coco. I’ve taken to calling this magic time between the hours of 10 and 11 PM the ‘Big Booty Power Hour’. You don’t need to tell me how great that title is, I know it to be so and am already confident that E! will try and use it in their promos. No money orders or personal checks, E!.
Keeping up with the Kardashians opens with Kim eating pasta in a restaurant, which immediately leaves me with a fleeting suspicion that this season is completely fake. It’s not, of course, but I don’t think really pretty people with great bodies should be allowed to eat refined Italian carbs. I just think you should be graced with either natural beauty or the opposite, which is owning the power to drown your average self in a sea of spaghetti sauce, not both. This is more my problem than it is Kim’s, really. I guess I’ve turned my write up of The Kardashians into something all about me. How novel! How surprising! I never act so narcissistic!
My momentary hatred of Kim is quelled when her new boyfriend, New Jersey Nets’ player Kris Humphries burps in her face when going in for a smooch and she laughs while returning the gassy favor. I am already won over by their love and begin to wonder what dress I will wear (in my living room) when I am invited to their wedding (episode that will inevitably air on E!).
This episode is fueled by the lack of family time that the Kardashian-Jenner clan is so use to. Kourtney decides that the best remedy for this is to host family game night. What Kourtney doesn’t realize is that for her, every night is family game night, and that game is How Long Will it Take Kourtney to Realize How Much Better She is Than Scott?
After Kim and Kris (mom, not boyfriend) prove to be no shows, Scott laments that “nobody cares about game night,”while shaking his head. For the first time in my life I identify with Scott instead of fiercely hating him. I love board games and often have trouble coercing my friends into playing them. Anytime you want to go a round of Apples to Apples, Scott, give me a call. I’ve always wanted to try small talk with someone who possess the mind of a serial killer.
After Kris feels slighted by her daughters over a meeting they purposely missed, she takes it to my favorite mental health personals, Dr. Couch and her assistant, Ms. Wine. She tearfully explains her situation to Bruce, who listens with the most thoughtful look on his face. The love I have for Bruce is unwavering, like the love a daughter feels for her father, or the way Sarah Palin feels about media attention. It never falters and it’s always there, just like Bruce is there for Kris. I hope that when I’m that age that I have a Bruce to come home to; someone who will watch me drink alcohol while listening to my complaints. He probably even gives really great foot rubs. I’m so about Bruce Jenner, you guys!
One of the next scenes finds us in Khloe’s bedroom, where Kim has discovered pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend Miles Austin on Khloe’s shelves. She pitches a fit until Khloe takes them off and throws them in the trash, frame and all.
They make peace quickly, cuddling on a chair together while twirling each other’s hair. One thing I will never get about these girls is how touchy-feely they are with each other. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s bad, but if my sister ever tried to twirl my hair I would probably avoid her for a week to ensure it never happened again.
The sisters relate to each other over their basketball playing beaus. Kim exclaims that she finally knows what it’s like to be a Basketball Wife. With a twist in her neck and a purse of her lips, Khloe replies: “I ain’t no Basketball Wife, honey, he’s a Reality Star Husband.” Do you see why Khloe is my favorite?
My biggest complaint is that Keeping Up is not filmed with several cameras that would allow for multiple angles of what happens next: Kim Kardashian falling on her face. This entire episode could have been 22 minutes of the same moment shown over and over again from different angles and played at different speeds and I would have loved it. It would have killed in the Nielsen’s.
I leave you now with the eloquent words of Kris Jenner’s emotional and intelligent toast during the family dinner. “What I really want…Here’s the thing, you know, it’s like, if you really want to go to that extent, it’s like…” So true, Kris. So true.