Keepin’ It Tight On Gravy Night: How To Be A Thanksgiving Girl In A Bandage-Dress World

Never have I had more complicated feelings for a holiday than I do for Thanksgiving. On the one hand, I love my family. On the other hand, I only love my family in theory and actively avoid most of my family in reality. One side of me looks forward to late-night board games; the other would rather gauge my eyes out with letter tiles than explain to my 85-year-old grandpa why “thang” is now an acceptable Scrabble play. (Mostly because I really need someone to explain this to me first.) So I’m already feeling unattractive due to these mismatching hands and mismatching sides when I come to face the truly polarizing part of this holiday…the food.

Oy vey, the food. A wonderful-evil-unicorn-piranha gift on a plate. Like Zac Efron, a Thanksgiving meal is a thing of utterly unimaginable beauty that I want to molest immediately and all night long. However, like my lifelong dream of accosting Zac Efron, I know that attacking those sweet potatoes with utter abandon is something I (and my collection of crop tops) will soon live to regret.  So, here I am, facing that every-episode-of-Sex-and-the-City dilemma: Can a girl have it all?

But wait. Here I am a sentence later, delivering that every-episode-of-the-TV-version-of-Clueless answer: DUH. I’ve got the recipe for living it up this Thanksgiving without gaining a pound, and all it calls for is a tablespoon of creativity, 2 cups of enthusiasm and 3 gallons of eschewing all social norms and/or moral codes of conduct. Dinner is served, my little sass-quatches.



You see your second cousin walk in the front door and you panic. You haven’t seen her since you accidentally-on-purpose left your dog to eat all of her Crocs. We all know that this is what she should be thankful for this year. But people can be stupid and stupid people are usually owners of Crocs. So how do you dodge the fake apology? Sprint. Up the stairs. Two-at-a-time. Kiss those cheese-and-crackers calories goodbye! But don’t forget to give yourself enough time before the first course to cool down…maybe the dog will have eaten her by then too.


You know what happens when you drink a lot of water? Sure, you stay hydrated and balanced and healthy. Whatever. What water really does is make you pee. (#Science) Thus, there you are in the bathroom with the perfect me-time to do tricep dips off the sink, leg lifts on the toilet, and jumping jacks on the bathmat. Ta da! Interval training like a BOSS.


If you’re like the average human, half of your conversations during Thanksgiving will be as mind-numbing as Kellan Lutz on Conan (I beg you to watch this). So why not make them ass-numbing as well?

Here’s how this goes—

You: That’s such a funny and interesting story! The weather really is sometimes warm and sometimes chilly. You know what else is really funny? Running suicides in the living room!

…And now we’re bonding.


So your ex-boyfriend knocked up your mom and then showed up at dinner as the boy toy of your great aunt? Sister, we’ve all been there. But why throw a drink in his face and waste your perfectly good only-means-of-psychological-survival wine? That’s just silly. Instead, use this opportunity to rid your plate of the food you can’t stop eating! Nothing says “I’m so over you, I don’t even care that you’re gonna be my great uncle” like mashed potatoes to the face.

  • BE THE MOST SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS AT THE TABLE (Glutes/Quads/Abs/Self-Righteousness)

As our country faces a fiscal cliff, we must challenge ourselves to eschew the luxuries to which we have become accustomed. And what a better way to start than with chairs! Go chair-less this holiday season and proudly enjoy your meal as the family member with the biggest heart and smallest thighs. Everyone’ll be too busy checking out those glutes to notice your missing accessory. (But don’t let them check you out too long. Cuz, like, you’re related and that’s super weird.)

And if all else fails (though, really, how could it?)…

  • BRING YOUR OWN SILVERWARE (Weight Training/Appetite Suppression)

Kill two birds with one stone by eating your dead birds with one stone fork. A bicep curl in every bite. Having it all, party of one.

…But, really, Zac. I’m available. And I’ve got leftovers.

Images via Woman’s Day, Cheezburger

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