Champagne Problems

Just Because You Yelp Doesn't Make You God

Have plans to grab dinner out on the town tonight? Oh you do, do you? Well, I heard of this tiny place right off the corner of so and so that has the best squash soup, but be careful – the waitresses there are more evil than a handful of Slytherin students. How do I know? Well, I read that on Yelp… right after I posted it on Yelp. Because I am a person filled with fury and I need to spread it throughout the free world using… Yelp.

Does that sound familiar to you, my little popcorn seeds? Oh, look at me, I Yelp, therefore I know all. No. No. NO. Are you a nuts person living in a nuts person home filled with other nuts person-people? Pull it together, humanity. Yelp does not mean that you can open fire on hardworking men and women that have put their blood, sweat and tears into a restaurant, spa or subway  just so some anonymous nobody can chime in with a horrid negative comment about how they “ordered chicken fajitas and the skillet wasn’t as hot and steamy as the skillets at Applebees”. Come on, you converse wearing hipsters – we need to fight back.

The world of restaurants is there to be different and specific to the food and culture of the head chef and those that assist him/her. The fact that you are appalled that your water wasn’t refilled in a timely manner, though logical, doesn’t mean you bring out them fightin’ words in a public forum where you aren’t faced with consequences per your commentary. And guess who doesn’t have water as that sort of luxury? ALL OF AFRICA. I’m sorry, banana butts, but this is where I draw the line. The fact that my favorite waitress at a downtown spot that I dig got ‘written up’ from the manager because a Yelp reviewer called her “rude and uninviting” means that we have begun to give clout to literally nobody of importance.

Who is that Yelper to go onto an anonymous site and claim that somebody’s personality trait wasn’t up to their standards? How about this, you donkey – why don’t we follow you around for an entire day and see where your Mother Theresa persona leads you? It’s like, enough is enough. The same people that insult a chef’s delicious Carne Asada tacos calling  them “dry and not as big as they had thought they would be” happen to be the same people that get drunky Tuesdays on a weekend and end up grubbing garbage at a local Taco Bell at 3 am. (No offense TB, you have made many of my nights fantastic). But that’s my point. That person, and the many others that call themselves critics, do not have trained palates that give them the green light to insult or compliment food to a degree that Yelp allows people to do. Some people smoke, some don’t. Some drink tequila, some prefer water. Some people hate their spouses so they take it out on the waitress. And where can they let it all out? You guessed it…Yelp.

It’s one thing to have your comments up there so people can research for themselves based on your experience, but it’s another for establishments to be reprimanding their employees or kitchen staff based on some dummy’s drunken post. It’s the same for YouTube comments. Human beings that eat, sleep, and poop the same are going onto that website which encourages original content and they are literally word vomiting insults anonymously towards people that work hard to just be creative. It’s a modern day form of internet bullying and it’s about to stop. My vote, let’s make a website that deanonymousizes (word?) commenters thus finding out their identity, phone numbers and addresses that way we can all meet them out back with snap bracelets and sting their wrists until they word vomit an apology. Man, people today are really making me wish I knew Karate. POST.

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  • Jc Coccoli

    I think people are afraid to comment! But don’t be!

  • Becky Simmers

    WOW! Great article! I was just researching a local mechanic that someone recommended and I came across this guy whose reviews are all exactly as the article describes. Clearly some people think that they are the definitive word on restaurants and businesses. I can’t even begin to explain how irritated I was after reading this guy;s reviews and guess what? I took his negative opinion about the mechanic even more lightly after i read that most of his yelp reviews were scathing and pompous with no actual reasons behind the poor reviews. What a joke. Some people think way too highly of their own opinions!

    • Jc Coccoli

      Thanks Becky! Keep reading away!

  • Becky Simmers
  • Margie Mintz

    You speak the truth in such a funny way and you have really great hair!

    • Jc Coccoli

      Well, now you are just the cat’s meow!

  • Marem Massoud

    JC if you see this, I love converse and you talked nothing good about them, I think. But what I want to say is that I am a waitress and I am EXTREMELY grateful that you wrote this. Feels like you’re talking for us. Has been through a lot of idiots who are not grateful for what we do. Thank you and once again THANK YOU!

    • Jc Coccoli

      You’re welcome Marem! Stay pretty!

    • Jc Coccoli

      You got it, lady! Thanks for reading and keep it hip out there, k?!

    • Marem Massoud

      Oops sorry!

  • Colin Monty Powell

    I wish this article was on Yelp so I could give it a bad review.

    • Jc Coccoli

      Go get em’ Colin Powell!

  • Daisy Sandoval

    I am on yelp. I write reviews. I don’t hide behind any fake internet name or anything. It’s true that some people are very petty, but there are other people on there that write thoughtful, responsible reviews. The reviews are all opinions and people perceive people through their own biased filters. When using yelp to help inform your decisions, it is best to look at the average ratings and to read a few reviews. People that write reviews or comment on Hello Giggles articles don’t necessarily have a ton of time. It doesn’t take long to write a few words about something.

    You should direct your frustrations with the management of the restaurant and not to any yelp reviewer. If the waitress was reprimanded, that is more of an issue with the manager or supervisor or who ever reprimanded her. Was the business significantly affected by the negative review? In what way was the waitress reprimanded? If the reviews have power it’s because the restaurant owners are giving them power.

    The waitress may not think she is coming across as rude and a customer may interpret it that way. Someone else may experience the same service but think it is excellent.

    I’m surprised that hello giggles allowed such a biased rant.

    • Jc Coccoli

      Everything’s gonna be fine Daisy! Cheer up!

    • Barry Rothbart

      I think Daisy’s service is good, but quality is to be improved upon.

  • Marem Massoud

    to post a comment

  • Amiee McCrea

    Oh yes! I have been dreaming of this “reverse yelp” website for quite some time. I work at a small-ish hotel, so of course I go online and read our yelp reviews. a) I am the only woman that works in the front of the house portion of the hotel, so every time anyone mentions a female, everyone knows it’s me, and you know what, sometimes this is not cool! And b) Nine times out of ten, people go on yelp and complain about something that they DID NOT talk to us about during their stay. Hello, that’s what a front desk staff is for! Tell them if anything sucks and they will try their gosh-darnedness (?) to fix it for you! In those cases I want to throw those people under the bus and be like, “This person stayed at our hotel for several days and smiled and chatted with me and acted like everything was fine and then went online and DISSED MY PERSONALITY FOR THE WORLD TO READ. Lame.”

  • Bryan Esper

    “Are you a nuts person living in a nuts person home filled with other nuts person-people? Pull it together, humanity.” BEST. LINE. EVER.

  • Almba Lira

    I’m not sure how I feel about this article. Yes, as a Yelp user, I see the downside to prude people trying to come off as some world renowned blogger because they think their rude reviews will be read and taken to heart by every person that reads it but I also see Yelp as an amazing app that allows me to find a burger place, good or bad, in just a few minutes. I personally don’t write any reviews so I’m proud to say I’m not one of these patronizing “hipsters” but I do still enjoy Yelp and without it I know that I’d be lost with what the next activity should be.

  • Christina Boucher

    I’m gonna go show this article to all my friends who say we shouldn’t go to that restaurant on 45th because those idiots on Yelp say it stinks.

    You seriously rule for writing what I’ve been thinking for AGES. So, thanks. :]

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