Champagne Problems

Just Because You Yelp Doesn't Make You God

Have plans to grab dinner out on the town tonight? Oh you do, do you? Well, I heard of this tiny place right off the corner of so and so that has the best squash soup, but be careful – the waitresses there are more evil than a handful of Slytherin students. How do I know? Well, I read that on Yelp… right after I posted it on Yelp. Because I am a person filled with fury and I need to spread it throughout the free world using… Yelp.

Does that sound familiar to you, my little popcorn seeds? Oh, look at me, I Yelp, therefore I know all. No. No. NO. Are you a nuts person living in a nuts person home filled with other nuts person-people? Pull it together, humanity. Yelp does not mean that you can open fire on hardworking men and women that have put their blood, sweat and tears into a restaurant, spa or subway  just so some anonymous nobody can chime in with a horrid negative comment about how they “ordered chicken fajitas and the skillet wasn’t as hot and steamy as the skillets at Applebees”. Come on, you converse wearing hipsters – we need to fight back.

The world of restaurants is there to be different and specific to the food and culture of the head chef and those that assist him/her. The fact that you are appalled that your water wasn’t refilled in a timely manner, though logical, doesn’t mean you bring out them fightin’ words in a public forum where you aren’t faced with consequences per your commentary. And guess who doesn’t have water as that sort of luxury? ALL OF AFRICA. I’m sorry, banana butts, but this is where I draw the line. The fact that my favorite waitress at a downtown spot that I dig got ‘written up’ from the manager because a Yelp reviewer called her “rude and uninviting” means that we have begun to give clout to literally nobody of importance.

Who is that Yelper to go onto an anonymous site and claim that somebody’s personality trait wasn’t up to their standards? How about this, you donkey – why don’t we follow you around for an entire day and see where your Mother Theresa persona leads you? It’s like, enough is enough. The same people that insult a chef’s delicious Carne Asada tacos calling  them “dry and not as big as they had thought they would be” happen to be the same people that get drunky Tuesdays on a weekend and end up grubbing garbage at a local Taco Bell at 3 am. (No offense TB, you have made many of my nights fantastic). But that’s my point. That person, and the many others that call themselves critics, do not have trained palates that give them the green light to insult or compliment food to a degree that Yelp allows people to do. Some people smoke, some don’t. Some drink tequila, some prefer water. Some people hate their spouses so they take it out on the waitress. And where can they let it all out? You guessed it…Yelp.

It’s one thing to have your comments up there so people can research for themselves based on your experience, but it’s another for establishments to be reprimanding their employees or kitchen staff based on some dummy’s drunken post. It’s the same for YouTube comments. Human beings that eat, sleep, and poop the same are going onto that website which encourages original content and they are literally word vomiting insults anonymously towards people that work hard to just be creative. It’s a modern day form of internet bullying and it’s about to stop. My vote, let’s make a website that deanonymousizes (word?) commenters thus finding out their identity, phone numbers and addresses that way we can all meet them out back with snap bracelets and sting their wrists until they word vomit an apology. Man, people today are really making me wish I knew Karate. POST.

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