John Mayer Ruined My Relationship (But It's Not His Fault)

We broke up because I retweeted John Mayer.

And then we got into a fight because I tweeted, “we broke up because I retweeted John Mayer.”

Okay we didn’t really break-up because I retweeted John Mayer. But that was one of the final fights. “You idolize a trashy musician. It’s embarrassing for me as a guy who is dating you. You should be embarrassed as an adult,” he texted the night before I dumped him.

Truth is I wasn’t embarrassed. I saw this coming. We fought about my borderline-creepy Mayer obsession before. But I still wanted this relationship to work. The hopeless romantic in me was convinced we were soul mates because we both loved The Simpsons and hated the pretzel pieces in Chex Mix. I wanted to be perfect for him. Even if it meant giving up the one thing I loved the most. So I stopped listening to my favorite artist John Mayer. I treated my music taste like an addiction and cut it out cold turkey. Sure, there were some relapses. When we fought, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with, “When You’re Dreaming with A Broken Heart” on loop. I’d quickly hide the evidence, deleting my YouTube history of Mayer’s live performances, ashamed.

It’s ironic (did I use “ironic” right?) that Mayer’s music created a wedge between me and my now ex. John Mayer is artist who’s known for songs like “Your Body is A Wonderland” and “Daughters” –  songs that men use to seduce women. But it’s not just the music. It’s the lifestyle. You see, I don’t just listen to John Mayer, I live his music. I use his lyrics as dating advice. Opting to not see a therapist and instead relying on his song lyrics as my therapy. Which in hindsight is probably a terrible idea.

Here are five lyrics I’ve been living by (and most likely misinterpreting) that have ruined my (love) life. This is what happens when you take dating advice from John Mayer song lyrics:

1. “You love who you love.” (Who You Love)

He treats me like crap but OH WELL! This is who I love! Now why isn’t he texting me back?!

2. “Say what you need to say.” (Say)

You don’t have to tell me twice! I use this rule of thumb for my twitter feed. Which explains my twitter feed, and my habit of tweeting and deleting. But hey! I’m just saying what I need to say!

3. “Don’t say a word just come over and lie here with me. Cause I’m gonna go back on all the things I believe.” (Edge of Desire)

In his live performance at the Hollywood Bowl, before he goes into this song he says something, which has always stuck with me, “When they ask you if you’re up and you’re up and you love them, tell them, just write back, ‘yep, come over.’” I’ve done that. And then I’ve entered that gray area again. Cause if you love that person and you are female, you’re gonna want to know what that meant, and where this is going. You’re going to get upset if you check his Instagram the day after your reunion to see him posing with some girls. I’d use this song as the hall pass to hang out with an ex. Lesson learned: Don’t recycle exes. It’s called dumped for a reason.

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