John Mayer Ruined My Relationship (But It's Not His Fault)


We broke up because I retweeted John Mayer.

And then we got into a fight because I tweeted, “we broke up because I retweeted John Mayer.”

Okay we didn’t really break-up because I retweeted John Mayer. But that was one of the final fights. “You idolize a trashy musician. It’s embarrassing for me as a guy who is dating you. You should be embarrassed as an adult,” he texted the night before I dumped him.

Truth is I wasn’t embarrassed. I saw this coming. We fought about my borderline-creepy Mayer obsession before. But I still wanted this relationship to work. The hopeless romantic in me was convinced we were soul mates because we both loved The Simpsons and hated the pretzel pieces in Chex Mix. I wanted to be perfect for him. Even if it meant giving up the one thing I loved the most. So I stopped listening to my favorite artist John Mayer. I treated my music taste like an addiction and cut it out cold turkey. Sure, there were some relapses. When we fought, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with, “When You’re Dreaming with A Broken Heart” on loop. I’d quickly hide the evidence, deleting my YouTube history of Mayer’s live performances, ashamed.

It’s ironic (did I use “ironic” right?) that Mayer’s music created a wedge between me and my now ex. John Mayer is artist who’s known for songs like “Your Body is A Wonderland” and “Daughters” –  songs that men use to seduce women. But it’s not just the music. It’s the lifestyle. You see, I don’t just listen to John Mayer, I live his music. I use his lyrics as dating advice. Opting to not see a therapist and instead relying on his song lyrics as my therapy. Which in hindsight is probably a terrible idea.

Here are five lyrics I’ve been living by (and most likely misinterpreting) that have ruined my (love) life. This is what happens when you take dating advice from John Mayer song lyrics:

1. “You love who you love.” (Who You Love)

He treats me like crap but OH WELL! This is who I love! Now why isn’t he texting me back?!

2. “Say what you need to say.” (Say)

You don’t have to tell me twice! I use this rule of thumb for my twitter feed. Which explains my twitter feed, and my habit of tweeting and deleting. But hey! I’m just saying what I need to say!

3. “Don’t say a word just come over and lie here with me. Cause I’m gonna go back on all the things I believe.” (Edge of Desire)

In his live performance at the Hollywood Bowl, before he goes into this song he says something, which has always stuck with me, “When they ask you if you’re up and you’re up and you love them, tell them, just write back, ‘yep, come over.’” I’ve done that. And then I’ve entered that gray area again. Cause if you love that person and you are female, you’re gonna want to know what that meant, and where this is going. You’re going to get upset if you check his Instagram the day after your reunion to see him posing with some girls. I’d use this song as the hall pass to hang out with an ex. Lesson learned: Don’t recycle exes. It’s called dumped for a reason.

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  • Charlotte Doolaege

    I’ve been in a similar situation and I know how much it sucks and how lost you probably feel right now – you’ve tried to be perfect for someone you loved and it leaves you a bit empty, and maybe you’re not quite sure who you are right now. But things will turn around. And while everything is working itself out, you should just blast John Mayer all. day. long. Things will get better!

    • Gabi Conti

      Thanks Charlotte! You’re right!

  • Annie Baria

    LOVE this!! Hilarious, poignant & solid advice. Blast that Mayer from your speakers, girl.

    • Gabi Conti

      Thanks Annie!!! Oh I am! Born & Raised on loop!

  • Krystin Behannon

    love this. love Mayer. but the line in EOD is actually “I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe.”

    i hate when people correct me, so right now i’m on my own nerves. but for the sake of the feeling that song evokes, it has to be right. because that line? all. the. feelings. whoosh.

    • Gabi Conti

      Ah! You’re right! Crap. Maybe I’m misinterpreting (spelled it right this time) the lyrics because I’m remembering them wrong. Such a powerful song.

  • Angela Harris

    Totally support you! I would definitly break up with someone who put me down for loving something I love! Love John Mayer he’s brilliant!

    • Gabi Conti

      Thanks Angela! 😀

  • Melanie Markell

    Best article ever! This was my life until I met my actual Mr. Right – and we’re taking the plunge in 5 days. I’ll still listen to John though, and I’ll never be ashamed if it!

    • Gabi Conti

      Congrats Melanie! Thanks for reading! :)

  • Preston Hau

    seriously….john mayer’s the bomb. that guy you dated is a sucker.

  • Phil Santos

    Ok, that was funny, ’cause Facebook recommended this text from nowhere. . . but I’m here loving this article. Well, it’s also funny ’cause since I’m a man, a musician (just a hobbie, I want to, but I still don’t take any refunds from it) and a huge fan of Mayer, I only know one single (double meaning here) girl who almost lives his art (and she did make me a Mayer addict, heeheehee). She’s just a friend, anyway.
    Well, I don’t wanna write another article here, but I just wanna say that I kinda understand you. . . from the inside. . . and it’s not just a lyrics game but if you feel in the gray and every f***ing thing saying “nevermind”, well, nevermind. It’s the “Perfectly lonely” good news. Still, keep up the hope, keep singing love songs even if there’s no one around (who deserves it from you). And you will be found.
    Now, as a man lemme tell you something and then I’ll quit: make it clear to the next guy, “who do you love? Me or the thought of me?”. Maybe you know it but I’ll be redundant: with most men, things work like “friends, lovers or nothing”. As binary numbers. 0 or 1.
    Ok, I speak too much, haha. Be fine. Bye. =)

  • wal

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  • Tiffany Michelle Jeanty

    Never take advice from a person who’s never able to hold on to the girl, or at least just don’t trust John Mayer. Sure, he’s cool, suave and a little bit silly-or at least he pretends to be. But let’s get real here, great lyrics or not, he has no idea how to keep a girl happy. I listen to his songs on repeat like a mantra when i’m having issues, relationship or other. But if i actually took his advice i would be chasing after John myself. Use his music for post breakup pot stirring and early morning drives. Anything else will seriously make you doubt what you have, or keep what you don’t need. Your Ex was a jerk for not indulging in your passions, mildly creepy/obsessive or not, he should have taken you to a concert or let you play his songs on repeat during road trips. But i won’t lie, “Your body is a Wonderland” gets me going every time!

  • Tathiana Abreu

    Wow that guy you dated sounds like a real jerk. I’m glad John Mayer got you to break up with him.

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