Oh man, I love engagement stories almost as much as I love birthing stories. Don’t judge me. Which must be why I loved The Five-Year Engagement. I mean, lemme get this straight: produced by my Godfather, Judd Apatow (not true about Godfather thing), written by and starring freckly-baby Jason Segel and gut-popping doughnut jokes from queen Mindy Kaling? What’s not to love?
The basic story follows man-child Tom (Jason Segel) and shrink-in-training Violet (Emily Blunt) during their extremely long betrothed relationship. They get engaged with the Golden Gate Bridge glittering in the background and fireworks popping off in the sky like my bra on a Monday night. It’s beautiful, despite it’s trite-fulness. But then, like always, life hands them lemons, and they don’t make lemonade. No, they metaphorically place those lemons in a fruit bowl and let them grow a bunch of mold. And those lemons are symbolic representatives of their relationship.
Ugh, this is getting confusing.
The point is, when life hands you lemons it will not make you feel better to make lemonade. Instead, throw them out of the driver-side window of you car at slow-moving pedestrians. That will almost always make you feel better, even if you miss.
No, that’s not the point either.
The point is, no matter how many times Jason Segal bares his Christmas hams, engagements always make my eyeballs fester up with sweet tear nectar. It’s just like, really? You wanna spend forever with that person? Even when they have to have webbed toes and then they go blind from accidentally looking at an eclipse. And even if the only marathons they participate in involve The Real Housewives and a plate of raw cookie dough? And even if they have a strange fear of valet parking? Even if? True, it sends me to a place of extremes, granted. But that’s gonna warrant some tears.
I mean, bottom line, if you like engagements, you will like this movie.
And while on the subject of engagements, I really enjoy a unique proposal story so here’s a list of some of my favorites. Notice that I didn’t say ‘best’ because I don’t think that would be the proper adjective, hilarious might be more like it.
1. Proposing in a fierce cola display, a diabetic dream. I hope she spelled out ‘sure’ in Twinkies.
2. I know it’s the technology age and everything, but stop trying to make Facebook proposals happen, people. Also, don’t bring up your mom in your proposal speech – rule number uno, dude.
3. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like chicken in a bucket.
4. This is my worst nightmare. Worse than my dog suddenly being able to speak.
5. I hope when I look back on my engagement pics, I look like I’m in a wind-tunnel.
6. You vandalized a Tom Sawyer’s fence for me? Of course I’ll marry you.
As for me, my dream proposal would take place on the set of Jeopardy. My signif-other would get on the show and under the category ‘Queens,’ Alex Trebec would say:
Alex Trebek: “Answer- Totes Magotes”
Significant Other: “What is – Ali, will you accept my dowry of assorted/expensive cheeses and be my: partner on The Amazing Race/bar-trivia teammate/wife?”
Someday, my prince will come, right?
Also, if there’s not a grizzly bear riding a unicycle at my wedding, I’m not going through with it.