Dating is a dangerous game. What to do, how to act, what to wear, what to think and wondering what the other person’s thinking are only a few of the many considerations that go into navigating the Oregon Trail of looking for love. Sometimes people need help. From a pug. Enter Gemma Correll’s A Pug’s Guide to Dating. Now, why would you need advice from a Pug of all dog breeds? Either because you’re so bad at dating you need help from a pooch, or because you know the Pug is the most successful canine in the romance department and you’re in search of wisdom.
Tough questions are tackled, like what’s the best time to ask someone out?
The pug is calculating and clever, knowing to wait until the opportune moment – for example, “just after a good poop in the grumpy next-door neighbor’s garden.” You want to pick a time when your object of affection is comfortable and in a great mood. This guarantees excellent results. And if not, fear not, in A Pug’s Guide to Dating solutions are also offered for those times you are unfortunately and devastatingly rejected.
And once you’re on a date, what in the world are you going to do? Again, guidance is given accompanied by adorable illustrations.
The book also covers how to appeal to your love: good grooming and costume are key. The mighty pug advises smelling your best with a spritz of Eau de Fox Poo or Dead Squirrel Parfum. You can’t go wrong with those classics. Keep it simple and natural and show off your best assets.
The basics of courtship are also covered, giving you the basic tools of love on which you can elaborate. If you’re a dancing fool, impress her with such moves as “The Fart ‘n’ Twist” or perhaps “The Booty Wiggle.” Or if you’re more verbal, poetry or a howling serenade will suffice. Or maybe you want to go whole hog and make a romantic feast. If so, fear not – Gemma’s pugs have the menu planned. Perhaps start with “medallions of cat poop nestled on a bed of crispy ryegrass” followed by “artisan underwear atop a puree of pinecones” and for dessert? “Hamster droppings in a decadent vomit compote.” Bon appetit! Again, so many amazing tips! This menu is sophisticated and whimsical and sure to charm the pants off your heart’s desire.
And once you’re in that relationship, what the heck do you do? Why, you buy this book and find out the secrets to keeping that flame alive! The pugs know all. They really do.