iPhone, Why Won’t You Let Me Love You?Lauren Halperin

I think my iPhone and I are star-crossed lovers. I mean, I don’t think I would stick a dagger in my heart if it died considering I leave my charger at home a lot, but there are definitely some obstacles standing in the way of me loving it unconditionally.

For all of the great revolutionary things technology has done for us (landing on the moon, those little green things that you put in the lid of your Starbucks so that it doesn’t spill all over your car, etc.), iPhones are confusing! Here is a list of some things that are challenging our relationship.

1. Siri

Apparently you can make Siri British, so that’s kind of cool to listen to, I guess, but other than that, I don’t get it. She never listens. And when Siri doesn’t understand what I’m saying, I feel like an ashamed mother yelling at her child in public

Sound bite: SIRI, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’M GOING TO ASK YOU. WHERE IS THE NEAREST TACO BELL!?

2. Snapchat

Why? No, seriously, why? It’s not a good look when you’re sending your friend a picture and a stranger walks by, confused at how somebody’s face can morph into such an odd shape. AND the fact that you can screenshot a snap chat… REAL FRIENDS DON’T SCREENSHOT SNAPCHATS! And you’re pretty much enemy number one if you put it on Facebook.

Sound bite: I TRUSTED YOU!

3. Vine

This app just seems like a way sadder version of Instagram… or maybe I’m just not doing it right. Vine really should just be called “Yes, I DO spend this much time with my cat, and now you get to have the pleasure of watching a six second video of it. You’re welcome.”

Sound bite: Are you vining me?

4. Safari

There is absolutely no use for the “recently searched” bar in Safari . I JUST searched it, so I’m not going to need to search it again two days later. Plus, nobody’s searches should be saved. What you search on Google should be your business and your business only.

Sound bite: No, you CAN’T borrow my phone because my recently searched items consist of “Confessions of a teenage drama queen IMDB” and “She had a big booty so I called her big booty lyrics”.

5. Autocorrect

I really think that autocorrect is Siri trying to mess with me. I cayn’t spehl so I thought that autocorrect would be my new best friend. But that just doesn’t seem to be the case. Instead of simply changing my spelling, it completely changes the trajectory of my conversation.

Sound bite: Actually, I meant to say “See you later. Can’t wait!” But yeah, okay, let’s go with “Semen gator. Gaspacho!”

6. Headphones

For some reason, I have an issue with plugging the headphones in all the way. And when this happens, everyone in the library can hear that I’m listening to “Temperature” by Sean Paul while studying for finals (true story).

Sound bite: Well woman, the way the time cold I wanna be keepin’ you warm / I got the right temperature fi shelter you from the storm.

Featured image via WePlayDifferent

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  1. “Semen gator. Gaspacho!”

    This just made me shake violently with silent laughter.

  2. All above plus my iTunes issues. That thing hates me, for real.

  3. There IS a use for that “recently searched” bar in Safari as I probably WILL be searching Henry Cavill again two days later

    • Okay, yep, I could definitely see that. You’re right.

      Lauren Halperin | 6/19/2013 11:06 pm
  4. Strangely, Siri works at best when you offend her. It’s like a mother not listening to her kids but hearing every insult you mumble on the way to your room. The English version of Siri still works best and has lots more to offer. In German, it’s complicated. I never use it though.

  5. Siri’s limited use, or that fact I have to say a certain phrase. She’s not the brightest. And that fact that autocorrect likes to change the tense of my words. Like I’m some bumbling fool!

  6. I once managed to put my headphones in the perfect amount, so the sound was coming out of the headphones and the phone. I was listening to the Muppets Movie soundtrack – don’t judge me…everyone else already has!

  7. I didn’t get Vine up until this weekend & now I <3 it!