Are You There Blog? It's Me Caragh In Which I Compare Shaving My Legs to War Criminal Joseph Kony's Various Atrocities Caragh Poh

The worst thing in the world is shaving. I know we all think it’s Kony, but that’s wrong. It’s actually shaving. I can’t get into the details of how a man who murders children isn’t worse than being inconvenienced for 5 to 10 minutes a day in a warm and comforting shower, but it is. Don’t worry about understanding me right now. You can check it out in my new viral video that’s dropping next week. It’s called Invisible Hairs and it’s Linsane!! (Is this how the Internet works? Am I viral yet? Do I need to throw a #hashtag in here?)

I don’t like body hair. It’s a personal preference that is no more or less valid than women who enjoy the look of the au naturale appearance. Their legs stay warm throughout winter, their armpits hold on to deodarent much better, their vagina remains free of STD-looking ingrown hairs.

I’m not one of those women. When I don’t shave for a prolonged period of time, I stop seeing a woman in the mirror and start seeing a highly evolved chimpanzee, or perhaps Bigfoot’s Wife or maybe even Bigfoot’s Teenage Son, because I also feel completely unfeminine. Which is, again, a personal hump I need to get over. I don’t look at other women who prefer not to shave and think, “That woman looks like Bigfoot’s teenage son.” I see a confident lass who saves so much money every month and so much time every morning. She’s probably much more emotionally healthy than me. She doesn’t try to relieve her stress by spending money on fingernail polish and  binging on carbohydrates.

Despite feeling like a She Yeti whenever I stop shaving for an extended period of time, I consistently stop shaving for an extended period of time. I love to sleep in almost as much as I hate going to bed, which means I often crawl between the sheets at 2 in the morning. When my alarm goes off at 6, I hit snooze in 9 minute intervals until 7 AM. This leaves me with half an hour to shower, eat breakfast, do my hair and my make up. What usually ends up happening is that I spend my first 10 minutes awake by checking my e-mail. The next 20 is dedicated to hurried showers and frenzied moments of throwing clothes every where before I find a pair of acceptable jeans.  More often than not, I do my make up on the drive to school or work and throw my soaking wet hair into a soaking wet bun on top of my head. I feel like a mess of a human being when I do this every morning, but I feel like more of a mess actually typing it out in black and white letter-shaped facts.

I’ve found a new way of dealing with all of this by waxing at home. I bought a Sally Hansen wax warmer, some no-paper hard wax, and went to town on my legs recently. The pain is more than tolerable. It’s almost a form of therapy. It’s the modern day lady’s form of the ball scene from I Heart Huckabees.

While I still run late every morning, I at least run late with the smooth shins that are reminiscent to a very unhairy infant’s bottom. For the next 3 – 5 weeks, anyway.

Shaving image via ShutterStock

comments

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  1. I don’t really care about the hair removal thing (no one other than me sees my legs atm) but I can’t believe how much you just described my morning routine. Esp. the bit about loving sleeping in as much as staying up, I thought it was just me.

  2. Caragh, keep doing you! You are one of my favorite voices on this site and on the whole Internet. You’re the best– really honest, really silly and really smart. Forget the haters ’cause those of us who get how smart and funny you are only want more x 1000 from you.

  3. I think this article is hilarious, Kony and all. OBVIOUSLY Kony’s war crimes are atrocious. That isn’t being argued. Caragh is a fantastic writer and I’m a big fan of her blog. Don’t get all worked up over a little bit of tongue-in-cheek writing.

  4. People are funny when they’re clever. This isn’t very clever. So it isn’t very funny. It’s not about perception of humor. It’s about wit. Just think of all the young sex slaves in Africa who don’t have a razor, but rather a raper. Don’t brush them aside when you say, “different strokes for different folks.” You’re article would’ve been much funnier if begun with something else. Notice these young ladies above have not spoken to the Kony thing because it did not add value to your article.

  5. Hi, I am you. Or you are me. Either way…we have the exact same morning routine. Home waxing, eh? Intriiiiguiiiing….

  6. I hate it. I wish I would have never begged my mother to let me start doing early ugh!

    Anonymous | 3/28/2012 09:03 am
  7. You’ve described my mornings. I hate body hair too :S. And for me waxing is the best solution, the pain thing it gest better with time or you get more used to it. I only shave when I’min a hurry if not, wax is the best solution!

  8. ugly laughing and binging on carbs as i read this. so true to real life! alright the kony thing may be a little insensitive but please people, that’s comedy! people joke about rape all the time and i’m sure you’re not tweeting all the comedians about it. come on now. it’s called creative/comedy journalism KAY?

    srsly real life though. gotta try that wax!

  9. I know this all too well…going to sleep at 4 am because I HATE going to sleep; having to wake up for work and school and setting the alarm for 10 but waking up at 11:00, with less than an hour to pick an outfit, get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, and commute…shaving is the worst. Shaving is a vain waste of time, yet I continue to do it for the exact same reasons as you.

  10. Wondering how many of the people getting upset over the Kony comparison are only upset because it’s the new fad world issue to be passionate about.

  11. Not funny to compare our 1st world problems to ACTUAL world problems.

  12. “is this how the internet works? am I viral yet? do I need to throw a #hashtag in here?”

    best lines ever!!!

  13. got past that first comparison, and laughed the whole time. shaving is just the worst.

  14. I agree with what you’re saying here, and yeah, shaving really does suck. But the thing about Kony isn’t funny at all. I think that one comment really ruined this otherwise awesome post for me. That situation is not a joke, it’s not something to be taken so lightly. And it’s a really hot issue right now. To say that something as miniscule as shaving is worse than a man who murders children can really make a lot of people mad. For the record, I know you were kidding. But it’s still not funny.

  15. I need to leave the house in ten minutes and I am sitting in front of the computer in my pjs reading this. Your 20 minutes is an inspiration. you go girl!

    oh look, 9 minutes now!

  16. “I can’t get into the details of how a man who murders children isn’t worse than being inconvenienced for 5 to 10 minutes a day in a warm and comforting shower, but it is.”

    This isn’t funny. It’s beyond insensitive, and I feel a little sick having read it.

    • Agreed. This just seems to be an immature girl trying to be funny by comparing shaving her legs to child slavery and murder of any kind, Kony or not.

  17. I totally get where you’re coming from. Every time I shave, I end up telling people it’s the worst day of my life. #Hairy2012

  18. uhhh.

  19. “It’s the modern day lady’s form of the ball scene from I Heart Huckabees.” this has made me no longer fear waxing. thanks, caragh!

    • It’s da best. And if the pain is too much, they have this numbing cream you can put on your skin beforehand.

  20. Not a great start to the blog. Every girl that shaves understands how annoying it is. But that is just it… annoying. Comparing it to any tragedy is horrible.
    And, rather than complain… get the laser hair removal. Then it’ll be gone forever and we don’t need to hear about how 1/4″ hairs are worse than Kony…. or 9/11…. or global warming… or whatever overly dramatic remake you’re going to make.

    But to agree…. I’m not a fan of shaving. I don’t really like hair. I don’t even like the hair on top of my head. I could shave it but I’d feel like a man. So I opted to try and grow it out so I can just pull it back.

    • I so can’t afford laser hair removal, but I can afford to make silly jokes on the Internet. I was just using hyperbole and exaggeration. Shaving isn’t worse than child murder. I promise I don’t actually think it is. Unless I’m lying and I do? No, I don’t. :)

    • I have to agree with most of this comment. Except the laser hair removal aspect, that’s expensive and not everyone can afford it. Although I wish I could. (I also wish it was pain-free)

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