The worst thing in the world is shaving. I know we all think it’s Kony, but that’s wrong. It’s actually shaving. I can’t get into the details of how a man who murders children isn’t worse than being inconvenienced for 5 to 10 minutes a day in a warm and comforting shower, but it is. Don’t worry about understanding me right now. You can check it out in my new viral video that’s dropping next week. It’s called Invisible Hairs and it’s Linsane!! (Is this how the Internet works? Am I viral yet? Do I need to throw a #hashtag in here?)
I don’t like body hair. It’s a personal preference that is no more or less valid than women who enjoy the look of the au naturale appearance. Their legs stay warm throughout winter, their armpits hold on to deodarent much better, their vagina remains free of STD-looking ingrown hairs.
I’m not one of those women. When I don’t shave for a prolonged period of time, I stop seeing a woman in the mirror and start seeing a highly evolved chimpanzee, or perhaps Bigfoot’s Wife or maybe even Bigfoot’s Teenage Son, because I also feel completely unfeminine. Which is, again, a personal hump I need to get over. I don’t look at other women who prefer not to shave and think, “That woman looks like Bigfoot’s teenage son.” I see a confident lass who saves so much money every month and so much time every morning. She’s probably much more emotionally healthy than me. She doesn’t try to relieve her stress by spending money on fingernail polish and binging on carbohydrates.
Despite feeling like a She Yeti whenever I stop shaving for an extended period of time, I consistently stop shaving for an extended period of time. I love to sleep in almost as much as I hate going to bed, which means I often crawl between the sheets at 2 in the morning. When my alarm goes off at 6, I hit snooze in 9 minute intervals until 7 AM. This leaves me with half an hour to shower, eat breakfast, do my hair and my make up. What usually ends up happening is that I spend my first 10 minutes awake by checking my e-mail. The next 20 is dedicated to hurried showers and frenzied moments of throwing clothes every where before I find a pair of acceptable jeans. More often than not, I do my make up on the drive to school or work and throw my soaking wet hair into a soaking wet bun on top of my head. I feel like a mess of a human being when I do this every morning, but I feel like more of a mess actually typing it out in black and white letter-shaped facts.
I’ve found a new way of dealing with all of this by waxing at home. I bought a Sally Hansen wax warmer, some no-paper hard wax, and went to town on my legs recently. The pain is more than tolerable. It’s almost a form of therapy. It’s the modern day lady’s form of the ball scene from I Heart Huckabees.
While I still run late every morning, I at least run late with the smooth shins that are reminiscent to a very unhairy infant’s bottom. For the next 3 – 5 weeks, anyway.
Shaving image via ShutterStock