In my daydreams, I am the World’s Best. I do everything better than anyone. The Guineess Book of World Records is 250 pages of 8 X 10 photos of me, and when you thumb through them quickly, you create a flip book of me winking at you while shooting duel finger-pistols.
Here are some ways I could improve this world:
World’s Best Drug Counselor
I would create a popular, nationwide 12 Step Program that does not involve God or any other religious figure. Although a firm non-believer (the quickest way to guilt-ridden atheism is being brought up Irish-Catholic), I respect the faith of others because I’m mad tolerant. But shouldn’t the steps towards sobriety be respectful of non-believers? Shouldn’t there be a 12 Step Program that knocks God off the pedestal and gives the former addict full credit in kicking their habit?
World’s Best Dog Seamstress
While battling a particularly awful cold, I once fell into a NyQuil induced k-hole and bought dog clothing patterns off of E-Bay even though I’ve only sewn one thing once in junior high Home Ec. Actually, looking back, it was a pillow in the shape of a puppy, so we’ve come full circle.
Anyway, it was $2.50 with shipping so when it arrived in the mail I looked at it and then threw it away, because I was sober and thinking clearly.
I have no doubt in my mind that I could become a great dog seamstress if I wanted to, though. I know that story does not reflect such a claim, so you will just have to take my word.
World’s Best Spaghetti Squash Cooker
Yo, have you guys heard about this? This “vegetable” business? It turns out that if you grow up within a family that only eats carbs and sugar, you will become fat! I’ve somewhat recently discovered vegetables and have proclaimed myself the champion of Spaghetti Squash. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, next to moisturizer and mattresses.
World’s Best Napper
If you don’t know how me napping is aiding in improving this world, you have obviously yet to encounter me when I’m sleepy.I excel at napping so much that this past Saturday I, for the hundredth time in my existence, started to take a quick nap at 8 before I went out. I awoke at 4 in the morning to 5 missed calls and a fleet of texts asking where I was. Sorry! Guess you didn’t know you were friends with World’s Best Napper!
This is just the beginning leg of my journey at being The Best. Look out for my new book, The Guinness Book of World Records, coming to a book store near you in 2032. Or, like, whenever the world catches up in regards to the knowledge that I am universally skilled, like a remote control you buy at Wal Mart. It’s probably 2032ish.