Me: Hi, Santa! Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me; I know you’re extremely busy right now, with your big day right around the corner and all.

Santa: I always have time for all the good little boys and girls out there! That’s what Christmas is all about!

Me: You’re very kind to refer to me as a little girl, but let’s be honest, I’m in my thirties and in full disclosure, I’m Jewish.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho, well, I already blocked out this time anyway, so let’s make the best of it!

Me: Works for me!

(Silence)

Santa: So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?

Me: Hmm? Oh. Sorry, I was just distracted. Looks like you have a little something stuck in your beard. What is that? A gingerbread house?

Santa: Probably. But don’t tell Mrs. Claus Please! I’m supposed cutting back on the sweets and treats.

Me: You do look a little jollier than last year. What does your doctor say about your weight?

S: Oh, I don’t believe in Doctors. They’re just a made up legend to get kids to eat their vegetables and exercise.

Me: Fair enough.

Santa: Would you like a bite?

Me: No thanks, I just had a grilled cheese.

Santa: Well, it’s here if you want some.

Me: I probably won’t, but thank you.

Santa: Well, if you do…

Me: I won’t.

(silence)

Me: So, Santa, I’m sure you get asked this all the time, but what would YOU like for Christmas this year?

Santa: Actually, no one has ever asked me that before.

Me: Really? So, I’m the first?

Santa: Yep.

Me: That’s amazing!

Santa: More sad, really.

Me: True. But still. I’m the best!

Santa: Let’s not lose focus here.

Me: Right. What would you like for Christmas this year?

Santa: What I want is simple. Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men.

Me: That’s very swee–

Santa: Oh! And season 3 of Gilmore Girls on DVD.

Me: Consider it done.

(silence)

Me: Just to be clear, I just meant the DVD.

Santa: I know.

Me: I’ll try for peace too though.

Santa: That’s all I ask.

Photo by The Tarica Family

Deborah is a writer and comedian who performs regularly at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Hollywood and secretly tweets as @InstantDeborah (don't tell anyone). She is obsessed with her dog, fancy cheeses and fixing typoes. She is a Leo, but doesn't really care to follow up on what exactly that means.
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