About a month ago, I fell in the shower. It was an epic fall that left me on the brink of death. As my side throbbed and head went dizzy, I thought to myself, This is what death feels like. I got up, tried to keep shaving my legs but ended up passing out instead. Seriously. And all I could think about was how I am clearly really old.
Now it has come to my attention that on Monday I turn 24, which only confirms my suspicions that I will die soon.
Twenty-freaking-four. I’ve been told this puts me in my “mid-twenties” as opposed to the “early-twenties” which sounds so much more carefree and fun and sexy. I never thought I’d be that person who had a problem with getting older but as my belly rounds out and I notice some cellulite on my butt and wrinkles around my eyes, I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable with this mid- idea. Because I am nowhere near being adult.
I’m watching Sex and the City and Miranda just said, “Sometimes I don’t do laundry for two weeks.” She said this as if it was really shameful, which makes me wonder just how ashamed I should sound when I tell you guys that it can take me a month or longer to get my laundry half-done. And it’s not like I have a ton of clothes that make laundry unnecessary for so long. I have very few clothes. And I hardly do laundry. Don’t breathe deeply around me.
Then again, Alanis Morissette is kissing Carrie Bradshaw right now, so I’m not sure I can take this show seriously ever again.
Also, doing dishes is like, really complicated for me. And taking out the trash. Honestly, if I didn’t have a roommate and fairly regular guests, I would be living in filth. I also hardly ever eat full meals and mostly rely on Auntie Anne’s because they have a mall employee discount. Also, Chick-Fil-A workers may or may not recognize me and go, “Heeeeeey!” every time I come in. We have a rapport going, you know? Yeah, you know.
This one time, I was charged a fee at my bank that made no sense to me so I went in to figure it out. The woman was awesome and nice, but as she looked at my account, she went, “Wow, you, ah. You eat a at Chick-Fil-A a lot.” I don’t think I’d ever been so embarrassed in my life. She wasn’t mean about it, she was joking around, but I know I went bright red.
“I DON’T HAVE A KITCHEN IN MY HOUSE!” I practically yelled this in her face and I’m pretty sure spit slapped her on the cheek. It’s a complete lie: I have a fridge, an oven, even a sink, but there is literally no counter space which makes it impossible to cook or even make a sandwich to go. So I eat a lot at the mall food court and since there is no salad place, Chick-Fil-A is my safest bet, okay?
Yeah, I get their nuggets or fried sandwich, but why make a federal case about it?
Anyway, she seemed to forgive me for being completely disgusting and said, “Oh yeah, they’re opening one down the road from us, I guess I know where I’m going for lunch every day, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!” and I think she felt so bad for me and that’s why she gave me that overdraft fee back. Thanks, PNC – your pity saved me $30!
I do have a savings account. Like, a real savings account that is stored away and I cannot get to. It has $220 in it! That’s SO MUCH! I’m kind of impressed with myself. I’m pretty sure this pre-approves me for a Visa Black Card.
Speaking of credit, I only have one credit card. It’s to the store where I work. I know whenever a payment is coming up because, you know, I work there. And yet once in a while, this payment totally eludes me. I take everyone else’s payments and go, “Thank you ma’am, yes sir, great day today!” but do I make a payment? No. Do I go home and set one up online? No. I ONLY HAVE ONE CARD! AND I WORK FOR THE COMPANY! And I still miss payments? This is not the life choices of a mid-twenty-year-old!
I’m more concerned about my Pottermore email than I am paying bills. Sad, but true. (Update: I got into Pottermore but I am not Gryffindor or Hufflepuff as predicted in my HelloGiggles bio, rather a Ravenclaw – who am I?!?!!? I’m in my mid-twenties and don’t even know myself! MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE!)
I am 4,000 miles and 10 months overdue for an oil change. My boyfriend is a mechanic. He has a coupon for a free oil change. I still have done nothing about this.
THE MUSIC AT THE BAR IS WAY TOO FRACKING LOUD.
I finally tried those popsicles with the antioxidants and survived, so that’s good news.
I still can’t hang a picture straight.
I still don’t prime before painting.
I like bed.
How often should I wash my sheets?
I AM NOT READY FOR THE MID-TWENTIES!
I have just a few days to get focused and learn to act like an adult. I need to prepare. I need to vacuum more often and dust the baseboards and hang curtains and buy red AND white wine glasses. I should learn what a 401k is and get another towel and regularly brush my hair. I should also learn to cook something that requires a vegetable. Those are the keys to adulthood.