Broke and Single I'm Single…Not Dying Alec Banks

If being single were a medical affliction, I’d be “terminal”. There would be medication put in pill jars that indicated what day of the week it was. Friday would call for a horse-sized pill, coated in asbestos that could only be swallowed with the aid of Two Buck Chuck and a re-watching of The Goonies. Alas, and thankfully, being single isn’t a medical issue, because given the current state of our healthcare system, I’d definitely have a preexisting condition.

To tell someone that you don’t have a mate is to be a sea captain without one of the same name. People look at you strangely. First, they assess if you have all your vital appendages. Two arms. Check. Two legs. Check. Eyes. Ears. Nose. Lips. Check. Check. Check. Check. Then, when everything seems to be there, they think, “Then why is he single? Oh, he must not have a penis.”

I have a penis (arguably the first and last time that phrase will be shouted out on HelloGiggles)!

It seems as a culture, we like to ask two questions: what do you do for a living and are you in a relationship? The reality of the situation is people are more interested in the question: who do you do for a living? It seems unfathomable to people in healthy and functioning partnerships that you don’t have what they have. They see you as a starving pooch, pawing at window sills for a slurp of broth and their union is that warm feeling in both of their tum tums inviting you to lap up their contentment. Why aren’t you eating?! Why aren’t you dating someone!? The people in your lives demand to know why!

Best friend: “Are you, ya know, gay and confused about it?
Mom: “You can tell me what’s on your mind.”
Dad of a single male: “Play the field. Get more ass than the Wrigley Field bleachers.”
Dad of a single female: “Good. I like you perpetually virginal.”
Grandmother: “It’s because you’re too skinny. I’ll make you a sandwich.”
Person at work: “I can fix you up with someone. You have a lot in common. She/he’s lonely too and has aspirations for many cats.”

What people in relationships fail to realize is that being single isn’t necessarily a bad or life-threatening affliction. We’re conditioned to find “the one” from the earliest of ages, in between learning about where poop goes and why water is wet. A kid comes to the realization that if mommy and daddy didn’t find each other in the throes of passion, they’d be just another tailed swimmer who met their demise in a wadded up piece of Kleenex. Love exists outside of the realm of a classification system.

There’s nothing funnier then telling someone you’re single and seeing them look immediately uncomfortable at the admission. It’s like they’ve literally seen you with your fly down, booger in nostril and remembered that one time in grade school when the class ferret did his business on your LA Gear’s. Instead, they politely nod and file away in their mental Rolodex that you may or may not be an axe murderer because of your lack of a spouse. Yes, it’s gotten that bad in the current dating climate.  Being single is a considered a death wish for either you or the general public. Sound the alarm!

What couples fail to realize is that we judge their unions just as harshly as they view our situation. Their relationship is often a barometer for what we don’t want. There’s nothing worse than being in the company of a couple who absolutely loathe one another, yet are hanging on by the thinnest of heartstrings for fear that they will have to return to the dating circuit. They’d rather have someone to hate than have no one at all.

So the next time you’re judged for being single, or turn up a quizzical eyebrow when you meet someone that is, just remember they didn’t just tell you that they only had a week to live. There’s nothing wrong with being a free agent.

As for me…I’m broke AND single. I’ve got real problems. Cue the Beyoncé.

Featured image via: theantisocialmedia.com

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  1. my favorite is when guys get girlfriends and all of a sudden get really weird around me. over the weekend i ran into someone i used to be friends with, and he was with his girlfriend. i knew she was his girlfriend because facebook exists. he didn’t introduce us when i said hello, and i was about to introduce myself but she walked away for a moment and he says, “that’s my girlfriend.” so apparently because i am single and he no longer is, i would only talk to him because i was unaware that he has a girlfriend and he needed to inform me. right.

  2. And the older you get, the more looks of pity you get when you say you’re single. I almost want to invent someone just so people would shut up.

  3. Story of my life. I love being single.

  4. “I have a penis (arguably the first and last time that phrase will be shouted out on HelloGiggles)!” — arguably the best line that will ever be read on HelloGiggles

  5. Yes! Thank you! This is awesome. And I can relate to your “no penis” story. At my company Christmas party this year, a group of married guys started asking me questions about why I was single. They said that their group had talked about me (ew) and determined that they have some theories as to why a pretty, successful girl like me is still single: 1. I’m crazy (as all single girls obviously are) 2. I’m a lesbian (I play roller derby, so I must be gay) 3. I’m a slut (cue me getting up to leave the conversation) 4. And this is the clincher – that I have a tumor on my vagina. Thanks guys.

  6. Brilliant article! People just usually gasp at me when I tell them I’m single. Like I have the plague, or the scarlet letter on my sweater, or suffer from some other glorious affliction.

  7. Love this! I really do enjoy being single… spending my time doing my own thing and enjoying my independence. My least favourite thing is when people get into a relationship and suddenly think they’re an expert on relationships, trying to set you up with everyone they know, as if there were no way I could possibly be happy on my own!!

  8. Should post this b4 the Valentine’s day, which has been totally commercial and discriminating

  9. Haha, I usually love your articles, and this one was no different. Keep on being awesome and hilarious!

  10. Today I joked with a coworker that I’m excited to teach my kindergarten students about Valentine’s Day and ‘force’ them to make heart-themed crafts because I’ve always celebrated it Single’s Awareness Day style. Her response was an “awwwe” with a you-poor-baby face. So I feel ya.