I'm Not Over Any Of My (Fictional) Exes Andrea Greb

So I’m thrilled that NBC renewed Community, not just because I love the show, but because I get another season with my pretend boyfriend, Jeff Winger.  I may or may not have gone on a Hulu Plus binge last weekend, which left me convinced that no real life guy could ever live up to Jeff, which is probably true, because he’s a fictional character.  Alas, he’s not the only character who’s ruined me for real life men.  Below, a list of all my pretend exes and why I’ll be carrying a torch for them forever.

Floyd (30 Rock)

30 Rock

I was actually kind of legitimately upset when I heard that Jason Sudeikis was marrying Olivia Wilde in real life, because to me, he will always be Floyd, Liz Lemon’s best boyfriend (until he wasn’t) and also my soulmate.  I have not yet forgiven him for breaking Liz’s heart, and also mine.

Trent (Daria)

trent

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who was disappointed that Daria and Trent never actually got together.  As a sarcastic high schooler who wore glasses and didn’t date ever, watching Daria and Trent flirt gave me hope that maybe I could have a friend whose cool, raspy-voiced older brother who was in a band might develop maybe sort of a thing for me.  While Trent would never be my type in real life (I’m no groupie; and I may not have even have been to a real concert since high school), his hotness and unexpected wisdom make me swoon for him, even if he is a cartoon character.

Fox Mulder (The X-Files)

mulder

I think Bree Sharp has said it best:  “So smooth and so smart, you’ve abducted my heart.”  David Duchovny, why won’t you love me?  Cute, brilliant, a little spooky, I love Mulder so much I was willing to get over the fact that the plotline of the X-Files usually terrifies me.

Matthew (Downton Abbey)

Downton-Abbey-Mathew-CrawleyHandsome, honorable, and willing to keep pursuing the bitchy brunette who keeps rebuffing him….clearly Matthew was made for me.  He is also the reason I refuse to watch Season 3 of Downton Abbey.  I know something horrible happens and I never wish to know what.  Matthew and Mary (or me) forever!

Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice or Bridget Jones’ Diary)

colin firth mr darch

This could be a Mr. Darcy thing, or a Colin Firth thing…it doesn’t really matter, they’re both among the most perfect men ever created.

Vaughn (Alias)

vaugn alias

I would totally join the CIA if someone could promise me my handler would look anything like this.

Seth Cohen (The O.C.)

seth cohen

As someone who went to a snooty private high school, I always felt incredibly cheated that there was no adorable nerdy misfit like Seth Cohen at my school.  I did not understand how no one wanted to date Seth Cohen until Ryan showed up, because I totally would have dated Seth Cohen.  In fact, I went to senior prom with a Jewish nerd thinking it would be like going with Seth (it was not).  But now that Seth is dating my alter ego Blair Waldorf, it’s pretty much like we’re dating.  Kind of.

Jim Halpert (The Office)

jim halpert

Oh Jim.  The man who taught me how to put other people’s stuff in Jello (try it, it’s awesome).  The man who made me think office romances are okay (they’re not).  The man who sang Katy Perry on national television (you’re welcome).

Josh Lyman (The West Wing)

josh-lyman

I realize I’m supposed to pick Sam Seaborn in this scenario, but I can’t handle it.  Rob Lowe is just too pretty for me.  Bradley Whitford, I could handle.  So dorkily inept with women, so dedicated to saving the country. Swoon.  Josh has ruined dating in DC for me.  RUINED IT.  You guys, I actually looked up the current West Wing staff to see if any of them were dateable.  They all look to be married.  I am still not above sitting outside the White House gates and seeing who looks cute.

Jeff Winger (Community)

winger 2

Seriously, you guys, I’m never getting over Jeff.  It’s not just that he’s more attractive than the guy who’s famous for being good looking.  It’s the combination of acting like he’s way too cool for everything, but secretly really actually caring.  Since the dawn of time, women (mostly me) have tried to go after emotionally unavailable men and make them care, and have failed miserably, but Jeff makes you believe that it’s possible.  That, and he’s really, really easy on the eyes.

With fake ex-boyfriends like these, it’s no wonder no real guy has lived up to expectations.  I’m sure that’ll all change once I enroll in a community college Spanish course.  Who are your fictional ex-boyfriends?  (Don’t say Jeff; I will have to fight you for him.)

Images via hereherehereherehereherehereherehereherehere

 

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  1. Brandon Walsh. Swoon

  2. Jeff seasons 1 and 2 … he (and the whole show) changed for the worse after that. *sigh
    Ben Wyatt
    Gilbert Blythe
    Wesley Snipes (the 30 rock version)
    Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbour
    Captain Georg von Trapp (maybe just Christopher Plummer?)
    And Captain Jack Sparrow

  3. Trent was one of my firsts (and only cartoon character)…Vaughn too….and Winger, oh my yes! But my fav….Mr. Bradley Cooper! (he was also in Alias!)

  4. Ben Wyatt and Ted Mosby. <3

  5. Definitely David Tenant as the tenth Doctor. He is cute and nerdy and smart. Perfect.

  6. Finn Hudson from Glee… to date I have had TWO dreams now where I have been in a group situation with real life friends and instinctively known that he is my boyfriend in them… Luckily he seems to be getting increasingly attractive throughout each season.

  7. Neil Caffery in White Collar. In loveeeee!!

  8. Luke from Gilmore Girls, Andy from Weeds, Nick from Freaks and Geeks, and Spike from Buffy., oh and SPIKE FROM BUFFY now and FOREVER. I will argue to the depths of forever that Spike kicked some Angel booty any day.

  9. Danny Castellano is my ultimate fictional guy crush right now. If you’ve seen the Mindy Project, is a straight girl/gay guy, alive and ANYTHING like me, you’ll understand why. Yes, I know he can be a kind of a jerk, he’s sweaty and weird plus he’s like 20 years older than me, but I still want his babies.

    Other crushes… Well Captain Jack Sparrow, Nick Miller, Aladdin (I was like five), Candler Bing, Luke (GG, ofc) Jack in While you were a sleeping, Tony Stark… And Mr. Darcy of course, I agree, he’s one sexy fellow :P

  10. Almost every man on Lost. Oh to be on that fictional island of emotionally twisted men with no shirts on.

  11. I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that Seth Cohen is not my boyfriend.. or a real peson.

  12. A resounding YES to Josh Lyman, the leading man of my recent sex dream. He even brought me a cookie in bed. What a GENTLEMAN!

  13. I, too, have REFUSED to watch S3 of Downton. I will not do it. I refuse. And no one can make me. Actually, that’s a lie. Jeff Winger could make me. If he held me throughout the whole thing and promised to never leave me, ever. Then I could watch it.

    Maybe.

    (excellent list, and SUCH PROPS for the Bree Sharp reference!)

  14. Yeah, Jim and Josh are my TV loves. They really are the only two I’ve ever got so attached to.

    I am genuinely concerned that John Krasinski has ruined men for me. ~sigh

  15. I am convinced we are the same person. I literally wrote a post just like this (with about 3/4 of these men!) on my blog! Great, great post!!