My 30-year-old sexual epiphanyJill Layton

People say that turning 30 is a milestone. You become more of an adult than you were at 29 ¾. You somehow have a better understanding of who you are and what your needs and wants are. And it just magically happens on your 30th birthday. Ridiculous, right? Well, for me, it couldn’t have been more spot-on.

I’ve always dated boys. Lots of them. At least, lots of first dates. A handful lasted a few months, but rarely, if ever, would they amount to lasting relationships. I would always find something wrong with the guys, even if they were great (they weren’t always great). I started to think something was wrong with me. Maybe I’m too picky? Maybe I’m incapable of having a real long-term relationship? One where two people love each other unconditionally, want to spend all of their time together and are attracted to each other in every way possible (physically, emotionally, spiritually, sense of humor-ly, etc.). I knew I had a lot to offer someone, so what was the problem?

I was searching for the wrong person.

I come from a liberal family, have a great group of open-minded friends and I live in West Hollywood (one of the gay capitals of the world). So, why did it take me so long to figure out that the problem wasn’t that I was incapable of loving, or that I couldn’t find the right guy? I don’t know. But it did.

When I turned 30 last June, I discovered that I wanted to be with a woman. Literally, on my birthday, I had a gay epiphany. A gaypiphany. So many of my friends are gay, my sister is a lesbian, my uncle is gay, other members of my family are gay and it’s possible my dog is gay. I’ve always been surrounded by gay. It just never occurred to me that I might be gay, because gay just never felt right to me.

I fell in love with a woman, and I’m still in love with that woman. We are going to get married, have kids and do life together forever. I have no desire to be with a man, but I also have no desire to be with another woman. So, for me, it’s not about being gay or straight. It’s about being in love.

People ask me all the time, “So, you’re a lesbian now?” My honest answer is, “I don’t know, and I don’t really care.” I just feel like me. But to satisfy the need for people to understand, I may say yes, I may say no or I may say, “What should we have for lunch?” Sexual identity is confusing for people, because it’s not black and white (or gay or straight). We’ve been taught that we’re one thing or the other, and when you’re one thing, it’s really hard to understand what it must be like to be the other.

I believe we can fall in love with anyone at anytime. Straight, gay, bisexual and whatever else someone may be… we’re all the same. We all want love. Of course, a lot of lesbians label themselves as lesbians, and the same with gay men; however, that isn’t the case for everyone. But that doesn’t make their love and commitment any less real. I just consider myself to be the way I am right now, and that very well may last me the rest of my life.

comments

Please help us maintain positive conversations by refraining from posting spam, advertisements, and links to other websites or blogs. we reserve the right to remove your comment if it does not adhere to these guidelines. thanks! post a comment.

  1. Congratulations on discovering yourself and a new path in your life. Thank you for sharing this story with us. I definitely agree that it’s about being in love – not about labelling yourself as gay or straight.

    Labels are everything in today’s world. I remember one of my gay crushes said to me “what? you’re STRAIGHT now?” when I told her it would never work out between us. I was super annoyed and pissed she even said that! I mean, does it matter? At the end of the day, it’s the person that matters, not the gender.

  2. This happened to me! I could have a very satisfying friendship/satisfying sexual relationship with a man, but nothing of those two ever combined. I felt broken; what was wrong with me? Then I laid eyes on her. It was even just a photo of her, but I knew, I really knew that I was going to love her. I did, and still do. Also, for the first time ever, the sex is beautiful! I never knew sex could be such a story. ‘Satisfying’ is no longer my word of approval; I’m so fulfilled.

  3. A positive affirmation to life’s journey, may your new path be filled with love and joy.

  4. Wow, I know this is besides the point of your article, but you two make a *stunning* couple! Congratulations on finding the right person for you, and for that sexual epiphany. I’m already married to the love of my life, but it makes me look forward to turning 30. :)

  5. Labels have never really mattered, what matters the most is that you seem to have found your place in life and that’s the end of it. Or the beginning. I’m very happy for you, thank you for sharing this.

  6. Beautiful piece. :)

  7. I love this! Congratulations on your new found love. I can relate to this seeing as I didn’t come out until I was 23. I had a serious of boyfriends. I was surrounded by gay friends and never realized I was gay. Once I realized that I may never have the chance to be with a woman, I decided to give it a try…..and wow! So much made sense that didn’t make sense before, like being IN love with someone instead of just loving them. Some of my friends and family just didn’t understand how I didn’t know. While dating my second girlfriend, she made the hard decision to transition to become male. This was tough for me as well, because I had only been out for 6 years and now I had to decide if giving up the love for her was worth it simply because her gender would change. It was tough, but I decided that I loved and was IN love with her as a person, not as a gender. So now, it’s 8 years into our relationship and we are still in love and best friends. That really threw our friends for a loop and some accused me of no longer being gay. What I’ve realized over the years is it doesn’t matter who labels me with what, what matters is that I am with the person I am in love with and he is my best friend. That’s unconditional love and I am so glad you have found it as well. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  8. Amazing! Could relate to lots of what you said :)

  9. This is so great! I’m so happy you found love :)

  10. I love this. <3

    Gina Vaynshteyn | 4/18/2014 11:04 am
  11. Such a beautiful piece. It wasn’t what I was expecting when I started reading, but it was perfect all the same. Thanks for sharing!

  12. “its not about being gay or straight. It’s about being in love”
    PRECISELY

  13. This is one of the most honest, thought-provoking posts I’ve seen on HelloGiggles. Thanks for sharing, Jill!

    Tyler Vendetti | 4/18/2014 09:04 am
HelloGiggles Podcast