I'm in Love with RobesJason Shapiro

I have to express my love and undying affection for robes.  I’m not commemorating “National Robe Day” or anything like that, I just want to get my feelings out there.  These things go unsaid and then you wake up thirty years later, thinking to yourself, “Do people know how much I love robes?”  Robes are always there to dry me after a shower or keep me comfortable when I’m just chillin’.   They deserve 1000 articles from 1000 A-list celebrities, but hopefully this can be a placeholder until the world joins together in celebration.  I love my robe and I love all robes (I do not discriminate).  I love them so much.

Robes are the blankets of the world, the garment of the sky.   When times are cold, dark and uncertain, my robe is there to comfort me.  It envelopes me in its warm embrace and reminds me that there is beauty in this world.  I sink and it carries me ashore.  I am wet and it make me not wet.

If my robe had a Twitter account, I would fav and retweet it all the time.  Even the bad ones.  If my robe needed to borrow money, I’d empty my bank account.  If my robe had an annoying dog, I’d still babysit for it!  I’d do all of these things because I love everything about robes.

I love the way robes look.  I love the way they make me look.  I love that when I wear my robe and wash my hands, I can dry them anywhere on my person.  I love that if I am eating flaming hot cheetos, I can wipe away the residue and dive right back into that bag.  I love how I feel when I’m wearing my robe; like a presidential king (if that even makes sense).  I love that robes can be super casual OR super formal.  There is literally no other clothing item like that.  I love that robes come in all different colors and each one represents something different.  What beautiful complexity…

White washes away the dirt of my daily dealings.

Red is the phoenix –  rebirth.

Blue is a flowing ocean that lulls me to slumber.

Green is a lush garden – mother gaia.

Purple is the Minnesota Vikings –  my favorite football team.

Brown is the soil of the earth.

Grey is the smoke of the ancient fire that is ever burning.

Black is the abyss – the vast universe.

Yellow is obviously the sun.

Each color is sufficient on its own and brings next level comfort but together they can make a technicolor dream robe, akin to the titular coat in that Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical.

I fell in love with robes the moment I put one on.  I remember it like it was 20 or 21 years ago.  I stood in the shower, worrying about the future, longing for the past and thinking about how cold I would be when I got out.  Then I saw it on the towel rack.  I didn’t know who it belonged to but it caught my eye.  Maybe it was my visiting uncle’s.  Who cares….it looked radiant.  I turned off the shower, threw it over my shoulders and instantly knew that I had found the best thing in the world.  A robe changed my life that day.

History tends to remember the victors and so robes will never be forgotten.  In the days of old, people wore robes way more than they do today but their legacy of power lives on.  Judges know what’s up.  Choir people know what’s up.  Rabbis leading high holiday services know what’s up.  People at spas know what’s up.

Without robes, my world would spiral into a meaningless bog of confusion and discomfort.  Life is so much better with a robe on.  Sunday mornings would never be the same if I didn’t have my robe to wear all day.  Tuesdays would suck if I didn’t have my robe to wear all day.  What would a Kid Rock concert look like without robes?  I don’t even want to think about a world like that.

The world needs to stand together and honor robes.  My robe, your robe, all robes, robe_2.0, alpha robe and omega robe… let’s honor them all.  I will wear my robe in public and shout from the mountain tops about how comfortable I am.  What will you do?

Featured image courtesy of EcoBodyWear.com

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  1. Robes… oh, robes.

    Few things inspire such mixed feelings in me as a hotel robe.

    I tend to agree with you on robes in general; but the germaphobe in me gets hung up on the fact that the robe is not mine.

    Last time I encountered a hotel robe, I felt this way about it:

    It looked fluffy and white and full of promise for an afternoon lounging on a chaise or at a spa or by a pool or with Alec Baldwin and a magnum of champagne at noon on a Wednesday. And *probably* it was well laundered in boiling hot water with hotel bleach. But unfortunately, the imagination train had already left the station, so I couldn’t think of anything but this: What if the person in this room before me tried the robe on? Naked? And wore it just long enough to change bandaids on that pesky weeping sore; administer to himself/herself a Sally Hansen bikini wax; give a quick hug to the child laid out on the loveseat with a trashcan because the vomiting just won’t stop; and ultimately decide that it would really be better to go ahead and get dressed. AND THEN they took it off and hung it right back in the closet, nice and neat… so that when housekeeping came, they’d see that the robe appeared unworn and just leave it there.

    And so, while I glanced at it many times with anxious longing, I did not put it on.

    (That was actually part of the very first post in an online humor column, but I know you’d prefer comments without links, so feel free to delete this: http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/03/11/down-on-the-farm/ — or if having an excerpt from that is a problem in your comments section, you don’t have to run it. No biggie. Just wanted to say: ROBES. You are not alone in your strong feelings for them.)

  2. Throughout school, I always heard my writing professors say that if you can write about something simple and menial in the world, it means you are a good writer. So cheers to good writing!

  3. My family (and friends) scoff at me because I always wear my robe around the house. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in my robe-session. I’m wearing one right now as a matter of fact. :)

  4. I never thought it possible to write such a piece about robes, alone. But you did it. This really is an awesome article. I am so grateful that you are able to see and appreciate such fine things in life such as the robe. There are quite a few under appreciated items that I love much like you love robes. And maybe I need to show my own robe a little bit more appreciation? It is incredibly soft and cozy. My robe thanks you for opening my eyes.