Every four years, something happens in America that makes 98% of Facebook users forget the roots of their existence. For months on end, they depart from their M.O. of announcing their engagements (side note: IS EVERYONE ENGAGED BUT ME?!), liking cat videos while commenting “bahahahahahaha, I LUV katz!”, and, of course, incessantly bragging about their kids/dogs/boyfriends/jobs etc, etc, etc… The old Facebook is bad enough in itself, but let’s be real honest here: you know what you are signing onto, literally.
You know that when you hop on Facebook there will be multiple opportunities for you to pass judgement, like things you didn’t need to know about in the first place and share articles and videos that make you seem highly intellectual. THIS IS WHAT YOU LIVE FOR. However, what you didn’t sign up for was the constant stream of political fodder that has taken over your minifeed, your timeline and apparently the whole entire world!
“BARACK OBAMA IS A MUSLIM JIHADIST”
“MITT ROMNEY IS RICH”
“RON PAUL IS STILL TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO HIM”
“Like if you believe in ‘MERICA”
“Like if you want an end to $ociali$m!!!!”
“Like if you think politicks R DUMB!!!!”
What has happened to the great state of FACEBOOK?! Where’s all the stuff I care about?! Have the internet cats, Willy Wonka Memes and HONEY BOO BOO all simultaneously taken a break from running the world wide web?!
This is serious. You know what – I get it. “Facebook is the modern day acropolis. What if the ancient Greeks weren’t allowed to speak freely in favor of democracy?” etc. You’re right; of course you’re right. Democracy is GREAT. I mean, without democracy there’d be no American Idol, X Factor, Dancing with the Stars, or TRL (may you RIP). But what is currently happening on Facebook is not democracy – it’s TROLLING.
And not this kind of troll…
The orange-haired, bejewelried, spreading joy and kindness kind:
The kind that sits around all day just waiting for someone to post something about Barack Obama/Mitt Romney so they can immediately tell them 100 bajillion reasons why they’re wrong, in the most kind and reasonable way possible (sarcasm).
This is not America. America is better than this. Ask yourselves, people, WWPDD? Yes, that’s right. What Would Paula Dean Do? You think she cares about politics?! About Big Bird?! No, she cares about the real America, the one that loves butter and biscuits and hilarious internet cats!!!
So let’s get back to the good old days where Facebook was about stalking your ex-boyfriend, liking your friend’s new Instagrammed profile pic (don’t even get me started) and, of course, the CATS. Bring back the cats. Cats playing piano. Cats using an iPad. Cats teasing dogs (silly cats). #CATS2016
And if this all fails and we must continue posting political ads on Facebook, then do it like Ellen, with some kindness and humor.