I Should Not Be Reviewing Movies

I'm Addicted To Girl Scout Patches

Oh, Wes Anderson, how you break into my tween-age heart and steal dreams from my Lisa Frank diary. This week I saw Moonrise Kingdom and fell in love all over again with dear, old Wes. I mean, are we all on board with the idea that Wes Anderson is an O.H.? (original hipster) I always love his films. It’s like he crafted a living, breathing Instagram straight out of 1965. In fact, are we sure that Mr. Anderson didn’t invent Instagram? I dare you to watch this movie and not have an intense craving to fall in love with a man wearing a raccoon cap.

The story follows Sam and Suzy. Two pre-adolescent, yet vividly imaginative, youngsters on their quest to run away and marry. He is the least-liked member of the Khaki Scouts who wears a stoic face knows the ways of the wilderness while she, the oldest of her siblings, has a penchant for blue eye-shadow and stolen library books. They are a match made in tiny hipster heaven. This is one of those movies that you walk out of feeling like your faith in idiosyncratic humanity is restored.

While I watched Sam impress his lady counterpart with all of his outdoor skills, my eyes couldn’t help but zoom in on his sash rife with patches. And I couldn’t help but long for my own nostalgic zombie-apocolypse training from my past: The Girl Scouts. I was only a Girl Scout for two years and I never made it past the rank of Brownie. It stands as one of my most humiliating moments when I was asked to lead the Pledge of Allegiance, messed up on all of the words and one of my fellow scouts loudly referred to me as a ‘traitor.’ I was also really crap at the whole cookie selling thing. I would feel fine walking up to the stranger’s door, but once I rang the doorbell, I would panic and run. Lots of my neighbors got doorbell ditched those years.

But for those two years I thought of one thing, and one thing only: Patches. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to earn a patch. Plant a garden? Easy. Sing at a nursing home? Fine. Pierce my freaking ears? There’s a patch for that. I haven’t been a Girl Scout for 18 years and I know that many of you guys are fellow alum, too. I think if we all band together, we can totally bring back into style the whole wearing a sash adorned with our accomplishments look. I prefer my accomplishments to accompany my heart right on my sleeve, represented in threaded letters and bordered clipart. I think over the last decade or two us alum have earned a few more patches, and I would like to give those to us now.

Pizza Party Patch: This patch is earned by eating a medium pizza in one sitting (or a large pizza in two sittings) while watching any romantic comedy.

Yoga Patch: This patch is earned by enduring a hot yoga session without passing out, throwing up or farting in public.

Movie Night Patch: This patch is earned by watching a double feature on a Lazy Sunday in marathon form. Some franchise suggestions: Batman, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings,  Kill Bill, Sex and the City, Toy Story or Bridget Jones Diary.

Bank Patch: This patch is earned by going longer than two weeks without over-drafting your account or by watching QVC for two hours without calling in a purchase.

Country Western Patch: This patch is earned by dating a true-blue cowboy or by learning all of the words to “Fancy” by Reba McEntire and performing the song sober at a karaoke club in the presence of at least 15 people.

I wanna know: What patches have you earned?

Patch images from Girl Scout ShopMoonrise Kingdom image from Focus Pictures