I Should Not Be Reviewing Movies I'm Addicted To Girl Scout Patches Ali Ashbaker

Oh, Wes Anderson, how you break into my tween-age heart and steal dreams from my Lisa Frank diary. This week I saw Moonrise Kingdom and fell in love all over again with dear, old Wes. I mean, are we all on board with the idea that Wes Anderson is an O.H.? (original hipster) I always love his films. It’s like he crafted a living, breathing Instagram straight out of 1965. In fact, are we sure that Mr. Anderson didn’t invent Instagram? I dare you to watch this movie and not have an intense craving to fall in love with a man wearing a raccoon cap.

The story follows Sam and Suzy. Two pre-adolescent, yet vividly imaginative, youngsters on their quest to run away and marry. He is the least-liked member of the Khaki Scouts who wears a stoic face knows the ways of the wilderness while she, the oldest of her siblings, has a penchant for blue eye-shadow and stolen library books. They are a match made in tiny hipster heaven. This is one of those movies that you walk out of feeling like your faith in idiosyncratic humanity is restored.

While I watched Sam impress his lady counterpart with all of his outdoor skills, my eyes couldn’t help but zoom in on his sash rife with patches. And I couldn’t help but long for my own nostalgic zombie-apocolypse training from my past: The Girl Scouts. I was only a Girl Scout for two years and I never made it past the rank of Brownie. It stands as one of my most humiliating moments when I was asked to lead the Pledge of Allegiance, messed up on all of the words and one of my fellow scouts loudly referred to me as a ‘traitor.’ I was also really crap at the whole cookie selling thing. I would feel fine walking up to the stranger’s door, but once I rang the doorbell, I would panic and run. Lots of my neighbors got doorbell ditched those years.

But for those two years I thought of one thing, and one thing only: Patches. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to earn a patch. Plant a garden? Easy. Sing at a nursing home? Fine. Pierce my freaking ears? There’s a patch for that. I haven’t been a Girl Scout for 18 years and I know that many of you guys are fellow alum, too. I think if we all band together, we can totally bring back into style the whole wearing a sash adorned with our accomplishments look. I prefer my accomplishments to accompany my heart right on my sleeve, represented in threaded letters and bordered clipart. I think over the last decade or two us alum have earned a few more patches, and I would like to give those to us now.

Pizza Party Patch: This patch is earned by eating a medium pizza in one sitting (or a large pizza in two sittings) while watching any romantic comedy.

Yoga Patch: This patch is earned by enduring a hot yoga session without passing out, throwing up or farting in public.

Movie Night Patch: This patch is earned by watching a double feature on a Lazy Sunday in marathon form. Some franchise suggestions: Batman, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings,  Kill Bill, Sex and the City, Toy Story or Bridget Jones Diary.

Bank Patch: This patch is earned by going longer than two weeks without over-drafting your account or by watching QVC for two hours without calling in a purchase.

Country Western Patch: This patch is earned by dating a true-blue cowboy or by learning all of the words to “Fancy” by Reba McEntire and performing the song sober at a karaoke club in the presence of at least 15 people.

I wanna know: What patches have you earned?

Patch images from Girl Scout ShopMoonrise Kingdom image from Focus Pictures

 

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  1. I want to go to Sweden!

  2. In Sweden we have these kind of patches at uni!:P We have special “student overalls” (Google it :)!), and then there are parties/dinners/competitions/other special events where you can buy a patch, and it’s designed especially for that event. (Also, you have different colors on your overalls depending what you’re studying, And on one of your legs you put your name.) It’s really quite fun:)

  3. So irreverant and so funny!! Considering that I am a legitimate ‘GS Patch Freak’ (I have the patch to prove it!) I can relate TOTALLY!! I loved Girl Scouts and was a Badge-aholic as a youngster — I went through GS from Brownies to Cadettes and then became a Leader and Day Camp Director as an adult. Your link to the GS shop intrigued me — despite the fact that I concluded my involvement for the short term once my daughter finished Cadettes…. I may just have to get reinvolved so I can get more patches. I wish I could show you my Leader Shirt that is covered in Patches to prove my addiction!! This was a great little story!!!

  4. While I had absolutely NO problem winning the SNACKS badge (yes, it really exists) and, in fact, believe I am still a record-holding snacks eater, I am most proud of the Brownie GIVE BACK badge, which I hold for the MOST clothing returns at some of the finer stores – I’m talking WalMart, Target, Kmart, ShopKo (since it’s always a good idea to buy your apparel where you buy your toilet tissue). The reason it is the GIVE BACK badge is that I never have the receipt, and generally wait so long that the item is now 90% off of the price I paid.

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