I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of This Elevator!

On October 27th, a handful of celebrities were in an elevator that plummeted and then got stuck just below the 2nd floor of The Gramercy Park Hotel in New York.  My claustrophia kicked in immediately, even though I was in my apartment in Los Angeles at the time.  I often think about getting stuck in an elevator, so when I hear about it happening, I think on it for a week or two.  Excessively.  And plummeting to boot?  S**t, that’s not even in the mix in my regular anti-fantasy scenario.

It definitely is now.  Some people get on a plane and think, there’s a baby or there’s a famous person, or there’s a famous baby – phew, nothing will happen to our flight!  Looks like I can’t apply that to elevator rides, anymore.  Josh Charles was on that elevator!  Hey, Lord of the Elevators, what are you, crazy?!  He’s on The Good Wife!  And don’t even get me started with Dead Poets Society!  That’s Knox Overstreet!  And Alessandro Nivola?  He comes from the theatre!  What’s the matter with you!?  He’s married to Emily Mortimer, he can do a really good English accent and was in Laurel Canyon!  If you’re gonna f*$% with Laurel Canyon, you’re gonna have to go through me.  But not in a being-stuck-in-a-plummeting-elevator-kind-of-way, please.

This elevator was overcrowded.  There were 14 people in it.  Whenever I’m in a crowded elevator, I feel tingly until I get out.  I think my head would pop off if my overcrowded elevator plummeted.  And to then be stuck in between floors for an additional 30 minutes?  My headless body would be a nervous wreck.  I bet I’d be making really dumb comments so as to appear calm like, “So, elevators.  Am I right, guys?”  I’m embarrassed for myself already.  And probably as an homage to Airplane, I’d also offer, “I don’t think we’re gonna make it through this and I’ve never had sex in an elevator before.” My stuck in a plummeting elevator humor is likely going to be extremely hack.  But – and I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing – I’m very committed.  Therefore, I will likely have sex with every single person in that elevator (horses, too).

Also, I’m very aware of when I have to go to the bathroom when I step onto an elevator, because … what if?  I don’t care how Survivorman it gets in there, it’s still going to be a tiny square of very public real estate designated as the bathroom.  I didn’t sign up for Big Brother.  I’m just trying to get to the lobby.  Additionally, I’m not a big fan of crowds.  In short, I’m short.  I’ll likely need to get on someone’s shoulders in the elevator to feel even somewhat close to relaxed.  I feel like Kate Winslet might or might not be cool with that.  As I take myself through my elevator version of an earthquake drill, I can pick whatever celebrities I want to be stuck in an elevator with.  If one is going to get stuck in an elevator going forward and certainly if it’s going to plummet, I feel like the events of October 27th at the Gramercy Park Hotel have set the stage that it will always be with a handful of celebrities.   So that there’s an upside to the experience.  I guess I pick:  Kate Winslet, Patrick Fugit, Dr. Drew, Joan Cusack, Rachel Maddow and Justin Timberlake.  Six seems reasonable.  Seven celebrities seems obnoxious.

On this particular night at the Gramercy Park Hotel, it was taking help too long to help.  So these folks decided to climb, one at a time, out of the crack of space that was available to them, to safety.  It worked out.  But that freaks me out.  Because the elevator could have fallen again and smushed people as they were trying to crawl out.  And smush is no where near as adorable as it sounds.  Risk factor aside, I’m sure I’d have done exactly the same thing to get the hell out of dodge.  I’d certainly first look to Kate to see what she was going to do.  She knows stuff.  Once you do a certain amount of full frontal nudity, G-d shows you things before he shows them to other people.  It’s just a fair trade off.

I’m really glad that everyone who was on that elevator is okay and that following the plummeting and the being trapped part of it all, that things ended as they did. I’m sure the non-celebrity folks (NCFs) took some comfort or were at least temporarily distracted or amused by having some recoginizable faces from TV and Film stuck in that *haunted elevator with them.  (*Embellishment. But it raises the stakes, no?)  So it’s cool that they were there.

Although, to play Devil’s Advocate, maybe never get into an elevator that’s primarily filled with celebrities.  Gravity might be mad at them.

Featured image via 123rf.com