If You Can't Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

My entire life has been a series of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em”s. That line of thinking is how I started playing guitar and DJing, so I use that phrase a lot because it makes sense to me. I’m the first one to suggest that as a solution, unless of course this particular “them” to be joining is a gang of gutless intolerant creeps in odd costumes. In that case, I suggest you run. Yes, a knee brace-breaking sprint, a Forrest Gump run. I would suggest not stopping until you either die from exhaustion, or find a safe haven.

Growing up in New York City, school children were told that if ever they were scared while traveling to or from school, they should look for the yellow “safe haven” sticker in the window of a shop or restaurant and they could call home or the police (depending on the situation) from inside. I was lucky enough to never have to use this amazing service but I do wish there were more “safe havens” in my adult life. For instance, casinos should have safe havens for being too drunk, restaurants should have safe havens for eating too much – and I don’t mean a bathroom – and the universe at large should have safe havens for falling in and out of love.

Falling in love is super scary but I’ve found it is not nearly as scary as falling out of love. My friend Brad once told me that to be the one who is loved is much more painful than to be the one in love. I thought he was nuts at the time but as I get older (trust me, I’m old) I realize that I’d much rather have someone leave me than be the one to leave. In fact, most of my relationships have ended with me making it impossible for the other person to stay. I push them to the point where they have no choice but to walk away. This scenario works best for me because then I never have to be the one to say, “Yes, I want you to leave.”

Speaking those 6 words is almost impossible for me. Just because you’ve fallen out of love with someone doesn’t mean you don’t still love them. At least it hasn’t been that way for me. Sometimes it isn’t even about falling out of love, it’s about finally taking a stand on being disrespected. Other times it’s about doing what is best for the other person and, well, sometimes it’s just about being selfish because you’ve met someone you like more. We’ve all been in at least one or two of those scenarios and they’re no fun – and let’s be honest, “fun” is why we were there in the first place. However, if plates are being thrown about like you’re at a Greek wedding, don’t try to beat ’em or join ’em, just walk away.

Image via Safe Haven

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=561227572 Jennifer Cole

    I did the same thing with past partners. With my husband I told him I wanted a divorce by note and then went to the beach 3 hours away. I ditched on boyfriend at a wedding. He got drunk and passed out. I left and went clubbing. I’m engaged now so I’m hoping I don’t have to worry about this topic ever again. We’ve been together 8 1/2 years so I think we going to make it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1429924536 Yvonne Nicole

    I like your style of writing very much and the idea of having a save haven now… Maybe they just got a new name in our adult life and in these situations… but they don’t wear stickers on their heads 😉

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisasazcamero Lisa Engles

    Marry me Samantha!! Love you…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001470041934 Mónica del Pilar

    good blog! love samantha

  • http://www.facebook.com/bnroberts Brittany Roberts

    Going back to something you said about not being the one to tell them to leave, but making it so they have to leave because you don’t want to say ‘yes, I want you to leave’. Aren’t you saying that in your actions, though? If you’re making it impossible for someone to stay then you are telling them to leave. It may seem easier because you aren’t verbally saying those words so you don’t have to see the reaction. But, something that could take minutes to say you seem to prolong it by pushing them away. So, is it really easier? I have the tendency to just shut down and walk away without either saying it’s done. It shatters the other person because there really wasn’t an end. That’s never my intention to hurt someone else, but it is what it is. Love hurts – no matter how it ends – because it’s the death of something you’ve invested yourself in without a positive outcome. Glad I ran into this post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1165326988 Tina Cerami

    So true. Fantastic blog!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bonnie.gail Bonnie Birdsell Williams

    I love the honesty in this post. Thanks Sam!

  • http://www.facebook.com/renata.zaliznyak Renata Zaliznyak

    Why did it take you three years to leave? As I recall plates were flying back in 2009, glasses in 2010. You could have saved so much pain to yourself and to you-know-who by just being honest and strong. It’s good that you acknowledge your complicity in the demise of your relationship, but it’s a little too little and a little too late and a lot self-serving.

    • http://www.facebook.com/samantharonsonmusic Samantha Ronson

      as crazy as it may seem, i have been in more than one relationship, so for those of you assuming this is about someone in particular…. it’s not!

  • http://www.facebook.com/renata.zaliznyak Renata Zaliznyak

    Thanks for the answer Samantha. Sorry I came off so judgmental. One of your relationships was played out very much in public and unfortunately that’s all most of us know about you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/samantharonsonmusic Samantha Ronson

      fair enough.

  • http://candicefullyloaded.tumblr.com/ Candice Sesi

    Clicking the “Love” button for this article.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=879260331 Kelly Oxford

    I hope you write more; your style is insightful, sensitive and honest. It’s too bad people have to read into it like it’s gossip, don’t let that dissuade you from giving us your voice. It’s a good one.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=808614761 Sophia Rossi

      I agree. Now, Kelly get up on here. thanks

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1656386342 Bárbara Casandra Begariee

    who deleted my comment?? i wasn’t mean at all,i just gave my point of view…I feel like Fidel Castro is blocking my feelings.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=827391771 Frances Whipple

    It is hard to break up with someone, but I think it’s kinder to say the words than just distance yourself. Of course that is much easier said than done. I am delighted by the fact that you’re blogging! I’m excited to hear more of your thoughts. Keep it up!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=19910604 Amanda Blair

    I am going through something exactly like this in both ends of the spectrum. I was in love with a guy for 8 years who always just led me on and made me wait. I finally walked away because his words no longer meant anything to me because his actions didn’t back them up. I don’t blame him because frankly, I let it happen but do I wish he would have had the balls to just sit me down and say,” Hey, I’m just not that into you, sorry”. Or even just a good, “go away!” or anything really because it would have snapped me out of my love and made me get over it. Now I know how hard this is because I had to get the boobs- tried to make the expression more female appropriate but it doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? I digress- and tell him another guy who was really into me but I was less into him, “hey man, sorry but I’m just not as into you as you are to me and I think you should move on”. Even though that sucked telling him that and hurting him, it felt good knowing that I was respecting not only him but the time we spent together. I wish that I would have received the same courtesy.

    But….I totally agree with the safe havens…lord knows I need them all the time! Like a magic one that makes you disappear when you don’t want to run into someone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1475340020 Erin Farley

    Great post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bonniejane Bonnie Jane

    I’m totally going to make a “Safe Haven” poster to hang in my apartment. I’m living on my own for the first time and I’m doing everything I can to make it like a little love nest full of nothing but good vibes, better music and fresh baked goods.

    Loved this post and thank you for the inspiration!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001474253299 Karin Bossman

    The thing about Samantha is…that even if we will probably never meet, you get this big sense of honesty in everything she does. Lots of respect and keep up the great work.

  • http://www.facebook.com/teemoneyhoney Taryn Allison Boyle

    I love this. Breaking up is hard no matter what side you’re on. I was the dumped but I have been the dumpee many times (I have a habit of biting it in the butt first before I can get hurt) and I’ve often wished for safe havens lately. Thank you Sam!

  • http://www.facebook.com/samantharonsonmusic Samantha Ronson

    thank kelly

  • http://www.facebook.com/samantharonsonmusic Samantha Ronson

    i mean, thanks.

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