If You Can't Beat ‘Em, Join ‘EmSamantha Ronson

My entire life has been a series of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”s. That line of thinking is how I started playing guitar and DJing, so I use that phrase a lot because it makes sense to me. I’m the first one to suggest that as a solution, unless of course this particular “them” to be joining is a gang of gutless intolerant creeps in odd costumes. In that case, I suggest you run. Yes, a knee brace-breaking sprint, a Forrest Gump run. I would suggest not stopping until you either die from exhaustion, or find a safe haven.

Growing up in New York City, school children were told that if ever they were scared while traveling to or from school, they should look for the yellow “safe haven” sticker in the window of a shop or restaurant and they could call home or the police (depending on the situation) from inside. I was lucky enough to never have to use this amazing service but I do wish there were more “safe havens” in my adult life. For instance, casinos should have safe havens for being too drunk, restaurants should have safe havens for eating too much – and I don’t mean a bathroom – and the universe at large should have safe havens for falling in and out of love.

Falling in love is super scary but I’ve found it is not nearly as scary as falling out of love. My friend Brad once told me that to be the one who is loved is much more painful than to be the one in love. I thought he was nuts at the time but as I get older (trust me, I’m old) I realize that I’d much rather have someone leave me than be the one to leave. In fact, most of my relationships have ended with me making it impossible for the other person to stay. I push them to the point where they have no choice but to walk away. This scenario works best for me because then I never have to be the one to say, “Yes, I want you to leave.”

Speaking those 6 words is almost impossible for me. Just because you’ve fallen out of love with someone doesn’t mean you don’t still love them. At least it hasn’t been that way for me. Sometimes it isn’t even about falling out of love, it’s about finally taking a stand on being disrespected. Other times it’s about doing what is best for the other person and, well, sometimes it’s just about being selfish because you’ve met someone you like more. We’ve all been in at least one or two of those scenarios and they’re no fun – and let’s be honest, “fun” is why we were there in the first place. However, if plates are being thrown about like you’re at a Greek wedding, don’t try to beat ‘em or join ‘em, just walk away.

Image via Safe Haven

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  1. thanks for this post, Sam. being in love is absolutely terrifying on both ends, and what baffles me about love is that you’re essentially best friends that kiss/share deep dark feelings/go on dates….so why can’t the whole situation be safe? this is incredibly well written, and i feel like we’re friends now :)

  2. A bit of procrastinating, a bit of don’t ‘share-itis’, a bit of shyness — but I overcome this by wanting to THANK YOU for finally posting thoughts that are inclusive. All it takes is a little ambiguity. Being a girl’s girl I’ve been really disappointed at HG’s singular approach to singular problems — sleep-overs, sex, et al, these are issues for every person. Marriage, how I trapped my man???? Sorry, probably funny/insightful but didn’t bother to read… I signed up for HG before it went live (much love to Molls), but have gotten not only bored, but annoyed. Anyway, one reason I procrastinated was not wanting to make this rant at you (of course I have a massive crush on you and thank you also for the exuberant happiness … and your straight-up you-ness, although in my last couple of days in Amy-land I’ve now gotten pretty upped on Mark…) Hoping everybody understands and takes a cue — it’s us, not them and those. BTW utterly and completely share your inability to end things maturely… and I was watching Elf, too! Ish…

  3. hahahahahahaha I love doing this :P

  4. Thanks Sam :) I kinda felt awkward posting that since I’m a guy. lol

  5. I myself have always been in a safe haven when it comes to love because I’ve never really experienced real love. I’ve always been shot down by women whether it was that they couldn’t be seen with someone like me who wasn’t popular and viewed by others as a loser, to laughing in my face when I asked them out, looking me up and down and saying no because I’m ugly, saying they wanted to go out but instead ditched me and laughed about it. Then I remember someone saying to me that it’s probably because I as a person have nothing to offer to anyone and they can see that. How can they see that from me saying hi and asking them out? It was at that point that I give up one ever finding love and decided to stay single forever. Some days it hurts some days it doesn’t, but I wonder which one is worse the pain of not being loved, or never finding love, and being alone the rest of your life? Or the pain of being with someone only to lose them when the relationship doesn’t work out? I guess as long as we have our own safe haven to protect us. We will all be OK. Well some of us. :(

  6. That could be a six-word novel–”Yes, I want you to leave.” Joyce Carol Oates’ choice words were “Revenge is living well without you.” They had a challenge one year to write a six-word novel, maybe you were throwing plates. It doesn’t matter who, it matters that you recognized a pattern today, and next year you’ll just be having dinner on those plates.

  7. I love this website girls, it was alot easier in the 70′s!

  8. my ciggie has always been a great safe haven, especially when working on the hosp floor. great piece! waiting on that album…….

  9. i’m grateful for twitter, tumblr and now hellogiggles because (among other things) i’m able to find out what a great and regular person you are, sam. keep writing, because you’re really good at it. i may never be in a position to see you work as a dj, but i’ll take every chance i get to read something you’ve written. your humanity, humility and honesty are inspiring. thanks.

  10. i mean, thanks.

  11. thank kelly

  12. I love this. Breaking up is hard no matter what side you’re on. I was the dumped but I have been the dumpee many times (I have a habit of biting it in the butt first before I can get hurt) and I’ve often wished for safe havens lately. Thank you Sam!

  13. The thing about Samantha is…that even if we will probably never meet, you get this big sense of honesty in everything she does. Lots of respect and keep up the great work.

  14. I’m totally going to make a “Safe Haven” poster to hang in my apartment. I’m living on my own for the first time and I’m doing everything I can to make it like a little love nest full of nothing but good vibes, better music and fresh baked goods.

    Loved this post and thank you for the inspiration!

  15. Great post!

  16. I am going through something exactly like this in both ends of the spectrum. I was in love with a guy for 8 years who always just led me on and made me wait. I finally walked away because his words no longer meant anything to me because his actions didn’t back them up. I don’t blame him because frankly, I let it happen but do I wish he would have had the balls to just sit me down and say,” Hey, I’m just not that into you, sorry”. Or even just a good, “go away!” or anything really because it would have snapped me out of my love and made me get over it. Now I know how hard this is because I had to get the boobs- tried to make the expression more female appropriate but it doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? I digress- and tell him another guy who was really into me but I was less into him, “hey man, sorry but I’m just not as into you as you are to me and I think you should move on”. Even though that sucked telling him that and hurting him, it felt good knowing that I was respecting not only him but the time we spent together. I wish that I would have received the same courtesy.

    But….I totally agree with the safe havens…lord knows I need them all the time! Like a magic one that makes you disappear when you don’t want to run into someone.

  17. It is hard to break up with someone, but I think it’s kinder to say the words than just distance yourself. Of course that is much easier said than done. I am delighted by the fact that you’re blogging! I’m excited to hear more of your thoughts. Keep it up!

  18. who deleted my comment?? i wasn’t mean at all,i just gave my point of view…I feel like Fidel Castro is blocking my feelings.

  19. I hope you write more; your style is insightful, sensitive and honest. It’s too bad people have to read into it like it’s gossip, don’t let that dissuade you from giving us your voice. It’s a good one.

  20. Clicking the “Love” button for this article.