If the Presidential and Vice-Presidential Candidates Went to a Stereotypical Teen Movie High School

A common quip that your average intelligent high school outcast might make is “it terrifies me that my classmates will be running the country one day.” And it’s true. One doofus who is borededly sitting in algebra and doodling right now will one day be the leader of the free world, with access to the launch codes and the probably amazing White House Chef. We all hope that they’ll one day grow out of Doofus Disorder, but that is not a given.

One Vice-Presidential candidate showed his inclination towards the sophomoric when he posed for a series of photos that look like they belong in some kind of Log Cabin Tiger Beat magazine.

The picture made its rounds on the internet; with Ryan getting criticized for his outfit, his facial expressions, his decision to do the absurd photoshoot, and even his workout regimen: apparently that lift he is doing just accentuates some “glamour muscle” without building any strength (an opinion I’ll have to blindly trust, because I clearly don’t know anything about lifting weights.

Ryan was compared to a “stereotypical 90’s jock” for the set-up of the photospread. Which brings us back to the original question. High school. Stereotypes. If all these four guys trying to rule the most powerful nation in the world were characters in cliche high school movies, which character would they be?

note: In an effort to be non-partisan, I was originally going to make this in support of both parties, then I realized it’d be easier to just make fun of both parties.

Paul RyanGuy Desperately Trying to Lose Virginity Before Graduation / Guy Who Talks About Sex a Lot, Despite Inexperience: Originally cast as ‘jock bully,‘ hours of consideration have lead to the definite conclusion that Ryan is not on the top of the social ladder: the Vice Presidential debate proved that he is less cool than a jock, and more eager. Paul Ryan is more like the sex-obsessed friend of the main character (or in American Pie, the main character) who claims to know the ways of the sensual world, but his inexperience shows frequently. This character-type’s saga to lose his virginity before graduation is often a sideplot (just like Ryan’s quest for political experience is a sideplot to Romney’s vying for the presidency.) Ryan’s debate with VP Biden was a great example, as his views were laughed at frequently by the more experienced Biden. Also much like this stock character, Ryan has a basic misunderstanding of the female reproductive system but feels totally cocksure in his opinions regarding it.

Joe BidenGuy Who Hangs Around High School for Way Too Long After He Graduates: “That’s what I love about these Republican Vice-Presidential candidates, man. I get older, they stay the same age,” says VP Biden, as he takes the last sip of his beer, and throws the bottle across the White House lawn. Biden has been politickin’ since he was was but a wee lad, and his experience shows: at the VP debate he made Ryan look like a child. But his experience also made him come off as mean and condescending (even though that’s kind of the point of a debate,) and maybe he shouldn’t be hanging around here anymore, and just needs to finally get a job and move out of his parent’s house.

Mitt Romney The Rich Girl: “What do you need PBS for, why don’t you just watch HBO?” Usually a cheerleader, member of the student government, vapid overachiever, or mall rat, the Rich Girl has no conception of what its like to not be a Rich Girl, failing to understand why the kids who bike to school don’t just ask Daddy for a BMW, or why that girl with bad hair doesn’t just fly out to that great little salon in LA. The Rich Girl also has an extreme distaste for those of lower social strata than she, sneering in the general direction of the nerdy, the lower-middle-class, the intelligent, the not rail-thin and the pedestrian, while simultaneously ignoring them. The Rich Girl would never be able to survive without the amenities that come from wealth, and  would struggle with basic things like riding the subway, preparing her own toast, or having empathy. And none for Gretchen Weiners.

Barack Obama- The Charismatic Underdog The head of the ‘uncool fraternity,’ the leader of a nerdy clique, the captain of the chess team. The leader of the underdogs is always there to give a rousing speech when things are down, and usually succeeds. He is generally more well liked by the rest of the school than the other underdogs. Barack Obama is a great orator, and was always kind of the underdog throughout his political career (you know, until he became the most powerful man in the world.) Now he leads a nation that is slowly becoming an underdog with powers like China being the bullies. However, while Obama can give a rousing speech, they are often Jeff Wingerian: lots of great rhetoric with very little substance (yeah, I was complimenting Mr. President a little too much, so I had to think of something insulting.)


PS: For a really great comedic vision into what presidents and other high school figures would’ve been like in high school, check out Clone High, a great underappreciated cartoon series about a high school populated entirely by clones of great historical figures. The main character is the “cool nerd underdog” Abraham Lincoln, who pals around with his friends Joan of Arc (hopelessly crushing on Abe,) and party-animal Gandhi. John F. Kennedy is the schools bully-jock.

Photos via: Time Magazine, PhotoInduced, The Huffington Post, and the Associated Press


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